(CUTTO: Rudy Seitzer in the skybox.)
Seitzer: I’m here with the man who brought us all here… CSWA Co – Founder and Commissioner, Stephen Thomas!
(Rudy looks off – camera, and swallows hard.)
Allow me to elaborate. I’m here with the man who pays for all of our respective lives, the owner, founder, and life blood of the CSWA, Stephen Thomas.
(Thomas steps into view, waving to the camera.)
Thomas: Thank you, Rudy… you’re too kind.
(Even from here, the reaction from the fans could be heard. Thomas turned his back on the camera, faced the fans, and gave a royal wave.)
Seitzer: I understand… you have a PRIMETIME moment to share?
Thomas: Indeed I do, my son… indeed I do. The Day the Music Died.
(Rudy looked puzzled.)
Seitzer: Come again?
Thomas: December 20th, 1995. When eighteen midgets were banished forever from the CSWA.
Seitzer: Sir… that was SHOWTIME, not PRIMETIME.
(The look in his eyes said everything that needed to be.)
Thomas: Oh, and Gethard? I know you’ve got an ear into this feed. Go down there, find Randall Preston, and escort him off my property.
(Rudy laughed and shook his head.)
Seitzer: Fans, here’s the twenty – midget, under the top rope Battle Royal from December 20th, 1995.
(As Thomas turned his back, Rudy rolled his eyes and headed the other way.)
(CUTTO: CSWA SHOWTIME in Chicago -- December 20, 1995 – sadly, it's the whole thing, on Thomas's orders.)
BUCKLEY: Let's go up to Rhubarb Jones for the introductions of the combatants in this match!
RHUBARB: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the 20 Midget Under the Top Rope Battle Royal! (Crowd roars.) A participant may be eliminated if he leaves the ring UNDER the top rope in any way, and both feet touch the arena floor. If he goes over the top rope, he is still in the match. The winner of this match will be allowed to remain in the CSWA, while all other midgets will be banned! Now here are the midgets! First, making his way to the ring, THE DISCO MIDGET!
("Stayin' Alive" plays over the PA and a disco ball lowers from the roof of the United Center as the Disco Midget dances to the ring.)
BENSON: I thought Boogie Man and Inferno were bad, but this is much much worse. This guy combines two of the things I hate the most: Midgets and Disco! Where's my antacid?
RHUBARB: Next, making a special appearance from FantasyLand, here are Dopey, Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, and Doc...THE SEVEN DWARVES!!
(The crowd cheers as the Seven Dwarves walk to the ring.)
BENSON: Surely you can't be serious...
BUCKLEY: I am serious, and don't call me "Shirley."
RHUBARB: Next, from the Foxwood Indian Reservation in Connecticut, here is CHIEF JAY TINYFEATHER!! (War drums play as Tiny Feather does a war dance down the aisle and climbs into the ring.) Introducing next, from Sicily, here is LITTLE ITALY!! (Theme to the Godfather plays as Little Italy walks down the aisle.) From Mexico, here is THE MEXICAN MIDGET!! (No music plays as the Mexican Midget walks slowly down the aisle, completely covered in a black cloak and stops and stands in the corner, not entering the ring.)
BUCKLEY: That Mexican Midget is very strange. We still haven't seen his face, and now he won't get in the ring.
BENSON: Look at some of the freaks in there for goodness sakes! You've got a Disco Midget, Seven Dwarves, a mini mobster, and an idiot wearing war paint. And you're calling someone who doesn't want to go in there with them strange?
RHUBARB: "Next, here are Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello...THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA MIDGETS!" (Crowd boos as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets walk down the aisle, still arguing and yelling at each other.)
BENSON: These are the four guys that turned on Mad Mike at War Games, and they're the same guys that beat up Billy Buckley in the back, but there seems to be a lot of dissention in the ranks!
RHUBARB: "And last, but certainly not least, being accompanied to the ring by Stan Parsons, here are THE MIGHTY MORPHIN MIDGETS! (The crowd goes wild as the Mighty Morphin Midgets run to the ring.)
BUCKLEY: They're all in the ring now, except for the Mexican Midget, who has yet to remove his cloak and is just standing on the arena floor. And look who's come to join as at the broadcast table. Welcome, Stan!
PARSONS: It's good to be here, Bill, even if HE'S here.
BENSON: Yeah, I'm real thrilled to be sitting next to you, Parsons. I see the Red Midget is back in action. I guess that puts you out of a job. And what are you gonna do when all your little buddies are out of the CSWA after tonight? I think you should go with 'em!
BUCKLEY: The bell rings and this midget battle royal is underway! It's chaos in that ring right now! This one will be really hard to call! The Disco Midget has found his first target, and he is the Red Midget! This is Red's return to the CSWA following the savage beating he took at Fish Fund, and his injuries might not be totally healed!
PARSONS: They're not, Bill, but he wanted to be in this one with his buddies, and he wants to increase the probability of Might Morphin Midget Mania sticking around in the CSWA.
BUCKLEY: Chief Jay Tiny Feather is going at it with Happy! He catches Happy with a big tomahawk chop to the chest!
BENSON: Big tomahawk chop, Buckley? Please. Look at Little Italy take it to Sleepy! I think that stupid Dwarf actually fell asleep in the ring, and Little Italy sure woke him up with a hard right hand that would make Rocky proud!
PARSONS: Bashful is standing in the corner, not wanting to get into the action! Meanwhile the Mighty Morphin Midgets and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets are going at it right in the center of the ring! These two teams don't like each other, even after they combined to beat up on Mad Mike!
BENSON: Look at Dopey! Instead of getting in the action, he's standing by the ropes making faces at the Mexican Midget, who is still on the outside! Hold up! The Mexican Midget just pulled his arm out of the cloak, grabbed Dopey by the throat, pulled him to the outside, and now...whoa! That's a pretty big midget!
BUCKLEY: That's no Midget, Sammy! He's taken of his cloak, and oh no! It's El Nino! El Nino with a chokeslam on Dopey on the concrete floor! We haven't seen El Nino since Under New Ownership, when he was locked in a warehouse with you, Sammy...
BENSON: Great. Just when I stopped having nightmares, he shows up again! I hate these midgets!
BUCKLEY: El Nino is in the ring now, and I guess he's managed to trick his way into being a participant in this battle royal! The Seven Dwarves are not happy with his treatment of Dopey! Doc and Grumpy go after him, but El Nino catches each of them with a kick to the head! Sneezy over, and oh my! He just let out a huge sneeze, and caught El Nino is the face with some snot!
BENSON: I think that just made him mad, Buckley! He grabs Sneezy and throws him through the ropes and onto the floor! That's two midgets eliminated!
BUCKLEY: Now El Nino takes Doc and eliminates him as well! Grumpy jumps on the back of El Nino! He's got him in a sleeper hold! No! El Nino easily broke it and tossed Grumpy over his shoulder! Now a big legdrop by El Nino, and he rolls Grumpy under the bottom rope and eliminates him as well!
PARSONS: I don't like this, Bill. I don't like this one bit!
BUCKLEY: Me either, Stan. Now El Nino charges into the corner after Bashful! No! Bashful got out of the way and El Nino hit his shoulder hard against the post! He's irate now! He grabs a hold of Bashful, and oh no!
BENSON: He bashed Bashful, all right! He rammed him headfirst into the ringpost, putting his head right between the second and top turnbuckles! Bashful is bleeding profusely, and now El Nino dumps him out of the ring! This midget battle royal isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be! I'm actually starting to enjoy this!
BUCKLEY: You would enjoy this carnage, wouldn't you? Now Happy is organizing some of the other midgets. He's talking to Tiny Feather and Little Italy, and now they have surrounded El Nino, one midget on every side!
PARSONS: This is an interesting strategy, Bill. If he goes after one, three are gonna jump on his back! The midgets are cooperating in there because they know if they don't get the big guy out, they're all going down!
BUCKLEY: That's about right! El Nino grabs a hold of Happy, and Chief Jay Tiny Feather hammers El Nino in the back with a chop! Little Italy didn't jump in to help, and Sleepy fell asleep! Oh my! Italy just grabbed Sleepy and throws him over the middle rope and eliminated him!
BENSON: Never trust a mobster, Buckley! Now Little Italy just watching and laughing as El Nino has Happy by the throat in one hand and Tiny Feather by the throat in the other! He just chokeslammed both of them! Ha ha ha!
BUCKLEY: Look at Little Italy now! He's negotiating with El Nino!
PARSONS: This is a stupid move! El Nino certainly doesn't need him! Nino walks over to him and offers to shake his hand! Italy shakes the hand, and oh no! Shortarm clothesline by El Nino!
BENSON: Short arm!! That's hilarious, Parsons! There's hope for you yet!
BUCKLEY: El Nino just delivered a piledriver to Little Italy! He is just going through these midgets like a hot knife through butter! Meanwhile, the Mighty Morphin Midgets are still going at it with the Ninja Midgets, and the Disco Midget is trying to get the Red Midget over the second rope! The White Midget just DDT'd Leonardo, and now he runs over to make the save with a blow to the back of the Disco Midget! Leonardo is back to his feet! Donatello is holding the Orange Midget up! Leonardo with a spin kick! No! The Orange Midget ducked and Leonardo hit Donatello! Donatello is irate, and he goes after Leonardo!
PARSONS: Now Raphael and Michelangelo jump in! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets are going after each other now! This is ridiculous!
BENSON: This whole MATCH is ridiculous, Parsons!
BUCKLEY: Leonardo just dumped Donatello over the middle rope and onto the floor! Michelangelo and Raphael catch him with a double clothesline that sends him out of the ring and onto the floor! And now Raphael and Michelangelo are going toe to toe! The Blue Midget and the Green Midget walk over, and oh my! They caught both Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets square in the jaw with dropkicks, and knocked them through the ropes and to the floor! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets have all been eliminated, and now they are brawling with each other all the way back to the locker room!
BENSON: While that nonsense was going on, El Nino has eliminated Little Italy, Happy, and Chief Tiny Feather! That brings the total number of midgets eliminated by El Nino up to eight!
BUCKLEY: We're down to the 5 Mighty Morphin Midgets, the Disco Midget, and El Nino! The Red Midget and the White Midget are trying to eliminate the Disco Midget, and now the other three Mighty Morphin Midgets set themselves to go up against El Nino! The Blue Midget tries a dropkick, but El Nino swats him away like a bug! However, this opens it up for the Green and Orange Midgets each to clip him in a knee, and they have El Nino down on the canvas, and they are putting the boots to him!
PARSONS: Go Go Morphin Midgets!
BENSON: Shut up!
BUCKLEY: Meanwhile, the Red Midget and the White Midget have Disco over the second rope and now he's just hanging onto the ropes, standing on the apron as the two Mighty Morphin Midgets go to work on him! Red catches him with a dropkick that sends him to the floor, and he landed right on top of Dopey, who is still laying injured at ringside!
PARSONS: Now Red and White join in the attack on El Nino, and they continue to kick away at him! This was the man responsible for putting Red in the hospital originally!
BUCKLEY: Uh oh! El Nino just grabbed the Orange Midget's foot and tripped him to the canvas! He does the same to the Green Midget! Now El Nino is up to his knees! The Blue and White Midgets go for a double DDT, but no! El Nino is back to his feet and he's got the two midgets in the air, and oh my! He just delivered a double sidewalk slam! And now he catches the Red Midget with a vicious kick to the head! Red goes down like a ton of bricks!
BENSON: Now THIS is more like it!
BUCKLEY: Nino has Green and Orange, and oh my! A vicious double noggin knocker! You could hear the sound of their heads cracking together!
BENSON: And oh, what a sweet sound it was!
PARSONS: This isn't a laughing matter, Sammy. The five Mighty Morphin Midgets are all down in the ring. Now Nino kicks Green and Orange under the bottom rope and onto the floor!
BENSON: Hey, I just noticed that if El Nino wins this thing, then ALL midgets will be gone from the CSWA! What a merry Christmas it's turning out to be!
BUCKLEY: Will you stop! El Nino now picks up the Blue Midget and sets him up against the ropes, and oh my! A vicious boot to the face sends Blue over the second rope and onto the floor! This is horrible! Now he picks up the White Midget and whips him off the ropes and catches him with a dropkick to the face that sends him flying out of the ring! You know, Sammy and Stan, I just noticed something. The Disco Midget has not left ringside yet, and he's standing on the lifeless carcass of Dopey! I don't think his feet have touched the floor yet! He might still be in this thing!
BENSON: Well, after El Nino finishes off the Red Midget,I'll be sure to tell him!
BUCKLEY: Now El Nino picks the Red Midget up to his feet, and he's slapping him in the face a few times for good measure! He's torturing him! This is disgusting! He just delivered a hard chokeslam!
PARSONS: Just eliminate him already! There's no reason for this! This match should be stopped before Red gets killed!
BENSON: This match should have been stopped long before it began, but there's no turning back now, Parsons!
BUCKLEY: El Nino is taking great pleasure out of beating on the Red Midget, but he just made some sort of signal! He's ready to eliminate the Red Midget! He whips him off the ropes, catches him and throws him OVER the top rope! The Red Midget hit the floor hard, but he's still in this thing! El Nino thinks he's won it, but there are two midgets still left in this thing...Wait a second! Look what's coming down the aisle!
BENSON: It's....it's a sleigh being pulled by reindeer, and the lead one has got a shiny red nose! That's Santa Claus coming down the aisle! What's going on, Buckley?
BUCKLEY: I have no idea, Sammy. Santa calls the Red Midget over and pulls something out of his bag. He just gave the Red Midget a Christmas present.
BENSON: Open it, munchkin! I want to see what it is!
PARSONS: Red rips the paper off, and it's a Fozzie Bear doll! Santa just winked at the Red Midget! I think I know what's going on here!
BUCKLEY: Red rolls back into the ring with that Fozzie Doll! El Nino just turned around and saw him, and oh my! Red Midget just sprayed the flaming goo from the Fozzie Doll into the chest of El Nino!
BENSON: I don't believe this! El Nino staggers over to the ropes and he is howling in pain! I've felt that goo, and trust me...it hurts!
BUCKLEY: True...the last time I heard screams like that was at Under New Ownership when we left you in that warehouse with El Nino! El Nino is leaning on the ropes in a great deal of pain! The other Mighty Morphin Midgets run over, and they grab onto El Nino, and they've pulled him through the ropes and down to the arena floor! El Nino has been eliminated!
BENSON: No! No! No! This can't be happening! Santa Claus has ruined my chances for a happy holiday this year!
BUCKLEY: El Nino is irate and he chases the other four Mighty Morphin Midgets around the ring! They've jumped into Santa's sleigh! Santa Claus just pulled a stocking out of his bag and handed it to El Nino! El Nino looks inside, and Santa's sleigh heads back up the aisle and away from ringside! El Nino reaches in the stocking and pulls out...
PARSONS: A LUMP OF COAL! I love it! El Nino hasn't been a very good boy this year! He's outraged, and he's chasing after Santa, but I think he's taken the four other Mighty Morphin Midgets back to the North Pole with him. I think he just got four more elves to help him out this Christmas!
BENSON: Bah humbug!
BUCKLEY: We still have a match going on here! The Red Midget is now celebrating in the ring as if he has won it! He doesn't know that the Disco Midget is still alive in this matchup!
PARSONS: Disco rolls back into the ring. Look out Red!
BUCKLEY: The Disco Midget just jumped the Red Midget from behind, and now he's putting the boots to him! The Red Midget has taken quite a beating in this match, and remember that he was injured coming in! I don't know how much punishment the Red Midget will be able to take at the hands of the Disco Midget, who has been resting on the outside!
PARSONS: You're right, Bill. Red is a tough little guy for even stepping in that ring tonight, but he's been on the shelf for almost five months, and he's taken a severe beating tonight!
BENSON: Stop crying about it, you two! It's a part of the game! Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass who wins this one.
BUCKLEY: Thanks for the insight, Sammy. The Disco Midget picks Red up to his feet and catches him with a forearm to the temple. Another forearm smash by the Disco Midget. He sets the Red Midget up...DDT! And now look at him dance!
BENSON: I'd rather not...I'm out of Tums.
BUCKLEY: The Disco Midget now picks Red Midget back up, and he delivers a power bomb! Now Disco runs off the ropes and drops an elbow on him! And once again, the Disco Midget takes the time to dance instead of trying to eliminate the Red Midget!
PARSONS: Red is back up to his feet, but Disco stays right on him. He sets him up for a piledriver...no! Red blocked it and caught him with a back body drop! Disco gets to his feet, but he's caught with a swinging neckbreaker by the Red Midget!
BUCKLEY: What unbelievable resiliency and courage! Red Midget is showing the heart of a champion tonight!
BENSON: Please, Buckley, This is a midget battle royal, not a UNIFIED title match for chrissakes! Quit being so overly dramatic!
BUCKLEY: The Red Midget now has Disco near the ropes and he's trying to get him over the second rope, but Disco responds with an elbow to the face! Now a rake of the eyes by the Disco Midget! He climbs to the second rope and comes down with an axhandle...no! Red caught him with a punch to the breadbasket! A flying dropkick to the kisser by the Red Midget! Now he charges in for a clothesline! He nailed it, and oh my! Both the Red Midget and the Disco Midget went over the second rope and onto the floor!
BENSON: Yes! Yes! Yes! They're both gone! There won't be ANY midgets left in the CSWA!
RHUBARB: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have conferred with Co-Commissioner Stephen Thomas, and he has informed me that since the Red Midget and the Disco Midget both went under the top rope at the same time...they are both WINNERS, and may both remain in the CSWA!!"
BENSON: No! No! No! I think some of that poop must have clogged Thomas' brain! Boogie Man and Disco Inferno are out here to celebrate with the Disco Midget! I'm gonna throw up!
RUDY: Let's send it back to the arena floor, where Bill and Sammy are ready to call the World Title match!