500 Memories

They'll Let Anybody In These Days

Final Countdown

Math and History

It's Over?


Triple Threat:
Kevin Powers vs.
Evan Aho vs.
Steve Radder


There's Been A Change In Plans

Greensboro's Champ

Jean Rabesque vs.
Open Challenger


Um... Did Somebody Tell Him?


CSWA World:
Joey Melton vs.
Shane Southern


Hail To The Thief


Branding Iron Match:
Dan Ryan vs.
Timmy Windham
vs. Hornet

It's Over

Final Countdown

(CUEUP: “Final Countdown” – Europe)


(The logo dissolves into an empty, darkened CSWA Auditorium. CSWA Commissioner Stephen Thomas is lit in the middle of the ring by a lone spotlight. Thomas slow turns before dropping to his knees. A bead of sweat shakes free from his hairline and rolls down his forehead, wetting the bridge of his nose before dropping to the mat; mixing with the stains of performances long since past. Stephen’s right hand burrows inside his navy blue sports coat and pulls out a microphone. Thomas’ green eyes squint as he looks out into the empty sea of seats.)

THOMAS: Tonight, on a very special PRIMETIME, the CSWA celebrates the depths of my imagination.


(Alarmed, Thomas jumps to his left.)

THOMAS: Sammy?

(Thomas CLAPS and the house lights fade in. A hand reaches from outside the ring for the bottom rope. A shaken Sammy Benson carefully pulls himself to his feet.)

BENSON: Sorry. I should’ve known to brace for bull****.


BENSON: Shall we continue?

(Thomas waves Benson off. Sammy climbs the ring steps and stops a Boom Box sitting on the top turnbuckle.)

THOMAS: Was just mulling over this scene for PT 500’s opening. These seats would be full of course...but...what do you think? The spotlight, Europe’s “Final Countdown”...maybe, a miniature blimp floating in the Auditorium with “Support Our Troops”...

BENSON: (pause) That’s one way. But after sixteen years Thomas, I think I know what the people want. (Benson climbs in the ring, and slings his right arm over Thomas’ shoulder.) Here’s what I’m thinking. We fade in....


(FADEIN: On a glorious PRIMETIME 500 logo. Brilliant rays of light burst through various points of the logo before completely ripping it to shreds.)

(VOICE OVER: “What is thy bidding my master?” – Lord Vader)

(CUTTO: A grungy hotel room in New York. A full-length mirror stands to the left of the bed, parallel with the foot of the bed. To the right of the mirror, five-feet over is an open window letting in the smells and sounds of New York. Eight million people packed in expensive living conditions, eight million folk who Adrian Evans (aka Little Voltron) will never relate to, will never understand, and darn sure will never forgive.

Society made him this way. Society has whistled through decades of time passing down judgment from father to son, saying, "little people are scum."

In their world, New York City is King. Shielded by self-absorbed comfort levels, they write Adrian and his kind off as no more than a freak show, a talking squirrel to throw nuts at in Central Park.

Look at him feed. Look at Evans interact. Almost human, almost worthy of their affections, but not quite. The city pities Adrian as means of avoiding community service. Give the guy a nut, a pat on the back, tell him his match against Joey Melton in Japan in January defied the laws of physics. Just do anything that can be passed off as charity.

(The camera pans down the full-length mirror and finally sees a reflection of a man, all three-feet and eight inches of him. Adrian Evans, the squirrel behind the Lion’s mask of Little Voltron, broods into the glass. Adrian’s wearing cowboy boots, denim jeans with a GOONIES patch on the right knee, a white t-shirt with a picture of an apple tree and the words: “Johnny Appleseed Raped The Farm” across the front, and a light green Army jacket. He’s half-Asian, half-Caucasian, his short black hair showing the effects of time. Two day’s worth of stubble fight over his face.)

(Adrian’s got an audio tape recorder in his left hand. He brings it to his mouth and spits.)

LITTLE VOLTRON: Listen you freaks, you screwheads here is a man who would not take it anymore who would not let...

(Little Vol stops. Since he was a boy he’s stuttered. A freak meeting with Bill Walton eight years ago helped him master the disorder. Good man Bill is. It’s the rest of the world that’s deplorrrrrrrrable. Adrian looks disgusted that he ruined the first take, breathes deeply then starts again.)

LITTLE VOLTRON: Listen you freaks you screwheads...here is a man who would not take it anymore, a man who stood up against the scum, the (bleep), the dogs, the filth, the (bleep) here is someone who stood up...here is..."

(CUEUP: “Mad World” – Gary Jules)

(CUTTO: The CS Express. Steve Fiennes rocket launching Chad Dandy off the top turnbuckle.)

“All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces”

(CUTTO: A fresh faced Poison Ivy, Singapore cane in hand, escorting The Eliminator to the ring.)

”Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where”

(CUTTO: Lex Vicious bouncing off the ropes to clothesline Dream Warrior.)

(CUTTO: Steven Flair hooking the figure four on Alexander Karelin.)

”Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression
No expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow
No tomorrow”

(CUTTO: A deranged-looking Mike Randalls attacking “Muppet Kid” Timmy Windham with a bottle from behind.)

(CUTTO: Hornet being hugged on his way to the ring by The Flash, a fourteen year-old mental patient.)

”And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”

(CUTTO: Mark Windham superplexing Bonecrusher off the top of a cage.)

”I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very”

(CUTTO: Joey Melton being dropkicked over the top rope by “Muppet Kid” Timmy Windham.)

”Mad world
Mad world”

(CUTTO: Mike Randalls and GUNS trading blows.)

(CUTTO: Hornet with a Boston Crab on Eddy Love.)

”Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen”

(CUTTO: Eddy Love in front of a PRIMETIME backdrop letting Sweet Melissa strap the World Title around his waist.)

(CUTTO: Steve Radder side-slamming Kevin Powers.)

”Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me”

(CUTTO: Deacon lifting Eli Flair over his head.)

(CUTTO: Mark Windham rolling up Tom Adler.)

”And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”

(CUTTO: Hornet, Hornet-splashing a faceless tag team.)

(CUTTO: Bill Buckley and Sammy Benson sharing a laugh at their familiar table.)

”I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very”

(CUTTO: A rapid-fire montage of PRIMETIME’s greatest moments; holding on Hornet’s bloodied face.)

”Mad world
Mad world
Enlarging your world
Mad world”

(CUTTO: A live look inside CSWA Auditorium.)

(Full-shot of a sold-out crowd, SRO. The camera finds various signs and delirious fans, then cuts to a buff-looking Gregg Gethard, CSWA VP of Security, berating a small child for crying.)

(CLOSE-UP: Bill Buckley and Sammy Benson, cleaned up nicely in classic tuxedos. Buckley turns to Sammy and smiles, cracking the tab on a beer and handing it to his partner of sixteen years. Benson nods appreciatively then chugs till his heart’s content.)

BUCKLEY: Hellllllllllllo wrestling fans, I’m Bill Buckley along side “The Mastermind” Sammy Benson. And we’re live on New Year’s Eve from Greensboro, North Carolina!

BENSON: Eat your hearts out, New York, New Orleans, L.A., Paris, Kuwait. The close-out party of 2004 is right here! North Carolina’s third largest city!

BB: You promised you’d seem happy to be here, Sammy.

SB: Troy Windham’s the actor, Buckley. I’m just ready to see the end of ’04. If my mood tonight is wrong, I apologize.

BB: What’s wrong was your attitude towards Dick Clark’s stroke.

SB: This is America, Buckley. If you don’t turn one man’s misfortune into your own fortune, you have nothing. So, I put in an app to host the party. I knew it’d be rejected. Just like my dream of covering Amen corner at Augusta. I feel Margot Kidder’s pain.

BB: Do you want me to touch this one?

SB: (shrugs off Buckley) I’ve been typecast.

BB: And spent the last decade battling mental illness. Benson and Kidder. American’s Finest.

SB: Wasn’t she glorious on “Smallville” last year?

BB: You know...it was good to see her again.

SB: Exactly. Now, only if we can get Adrian Zmed working the world will be right.

BB: I’m sure it will.

SB: Hey, the man speaks Romanian as well as English! CROSS-OVER APPEAL!

BB: Fans, we’re here to celebrate thirteen years and five-hundred episodes of CSWA PRIMETIME. It’s been a wonderful ride.

SB: Well, hey, who cares if we’ve had to pay our way on television the past four years (BB: Stop) it shouldn’t diminish what we’ve accomplished. Bonanza set the bar, we’re just trying to reach it.

BB: Lovely. Sammy, there have been a lot of rumors, and you and I have both been instructed not to feed’em, but it’s been a genuine joy to worth with you and the men and women who have made this show possible over the years.

SB: We have women on the staff?

BB: Well said. We’re celebrating the past -- but this isn’t a clips show Sammy. We’ve got a loaded lineup!

SB: Guilty as charged. And I don’t feel ashamed in the least.

BB: Do you even know who’s on the show tonight?

SB: I heard talk of Mark Hamill, and/or Dakota Fanning joining us for the Main Event, but no...not really.

BB: Steve Radder returns to the ring, squaring off against Kevin Powers and Evan Aho!

SB: So the GXE tribute show is happening here? Kill two birds with one stone, I like it. Not the direction I personally would have gone in, but...

BB: You know...how bout we just surprise you throughout the night? How’s that?

SB: Will you? I’ve been begging for that since day one. You’ve seen the atrocities that have taken place on this show in thirteen years and you’re busting my chops for not memorizing the lineup. Please. The less I know the better.

BB: PRIMETIME 500 returns right after this, don’t you dare go away fans, the CSWA’s about to ring in the New Year in style.

SB: They’ve rescued the footage of Natalie Portman’s (bleep) off the “Closer” cutting room floor? Now THAT would be a surprise! (Benson beams)

BB: Oh geez...

(CUTTO: commercial from long-time CSWA sponsor Skittles, celebrating the rainbow and the 500th edition of PRIMETIME.)