DOUBLE MAIN EVENT
Branding Iron Match
Dan Ryan vs. Timmy Windham vs. Hornet
BB: We’re back from our final break of the evening, from here on out, we’re commercial free.
SB: As long as I say “Taste the Rainbow” another seventy times, right?
BB: Something like that. We’ve already seen Shane Southern go to lengths to fulfill his dream to become the CSWA World Champion.
SB: How many times did I have to predict it, Buckley? I warned Joey… and America… about the dark side of Shane Southern.
BB: Actually, I think you called him ‘too stupid to break the rules.’
SB: Nuance, Buckley, nuance.
BB: Stephen Thomas has seen fit to change the order around this evening and present tonight’s final match as part of a Double Main Event. In the ring in just a few moments we have a former CSWA World Champion who was never defeated for the title… the current United States Champion… and a former Enterprise World Champion who likes Kermit the Frog way too much.
SB: Not to mention that Marvin Parsons is just finishing up hooking a branding iron to a chain about eleven feet above the ring.
BB: While the ringcrew finishes setting up, let’s take a look back at how this was all set up.
(CUEUP: “Scars” by Papa Roach as the video package rolls.)
V/O: There are few objects that, by themselves, have become part of the CSWA’s long history. A big gold belt or two. A wooden stake. A Singapore cane. The first scene in this chapter belongs to something else. The Branding Iron.
(CUTTO: CSWA SuperPRIMETIME: I Have A Dream - MLK ‘96 -- January 15, 1996
Unified World Title: Hornet vs. “Antichrist” Jim Williams -- joined in progress)
BUCKLEY: What are he and Tropic doing? Tropic is taking that metal and putting it into a metal garbage can where a fire is raging....what is going on here????
BENSON: Are you that dull Buckley? It's not a "metal rod." It's a BRANDING IRON.
BB: NO! NO!! Somebody get security out here!
SB: It's too late, Williams has his followers at every door, at every entrance.
BB: What are they doing?? What can they be thinking?
SB: It's very simple, Buckley. Williams says Hornet is the Antichrist, the "Beast." Well, it's time to mark the Beast, Buckley.
BB: They must be out of their minds. You must be out of YOUR mind! Somebody's gotta stop this. Tropic is on his way back to the ring with that smoking branding iron, where Williams is standing over Hornet, stomping on his back and yelling at him. Now Williams is pulling Hornet to his feet. Look at the rage on Williams face! He's lost it! He's out of his mind! He's got his hands wrapped around Hornet's neck and is backing into the corner. He's gonna hold Hornet while Tropic brands him with the number "666." This is outrageous, Benson!
I've just gotten word that GUNS is trying to get down to ringside, but apparently the locker room door has been barricaded. No one's gonna be able to get out here!
Tropic is in the ring with the branding iron, and Williams has Hornet locked in a choke in the corner. Hornet now sees what they've got planned, and he's trying to fight his way out. Williams delivers a hard shot to the back with his fist and then hooks in the choke once again. Tropic moves forward with malevolent grace, ready to "mark" the man these men see as their threat. Tropic goes forward to brand Hornet, but Hornet delivers an elbow to Williams! Hornet ducks, and Tropic brands WILLIAMS!!!!!!!!
Williams screams out in agony, and Tropic can't believe what he's done! Hornet kicks Tropic in the midsection and pulls the branding iron out of his hands. Hornet hits Tropic with one end of the iron, and Tropic folds and hits the mat. Hornet turns around to meet the still-writhing Williams. Williams sees Hornet who still has the branding iron in hand! Williams is shouting “No!”. He's deathly afraid of Hornet!
SB: And why not??? Hornet's going to kill him with that thing. You wanted to see the Antichrist, Buckley, well here he is!
BB: But instead, Hornet throws the branding iron to the mat and walks away. Williams is in disbelief, but still in severe pain. Hornet slowly climbs out of the ring. He's limping severely, having taken quite a few shots from both Tropic and Williams during this ordeal. He wins this match by disqualification and keeps the Unified Title. At least now he'll have some time to rest and heal up that back.
(The scene cuts away as others of Williams’ disciples come down and begin the beatdown on Hornet.)
V/O: The smoking brand seemed retired along with the “Antichrist” after WINTER’S WARRIORS VII. But in the CSWA, all good things don’t come to an end… they just come… back.
(CUTTO: SHOWTIME in San Antonio -- April 23, 1999
CSWA World Championship: Mark Vizzack vs. Hornet -- joined in progress
BUCKLEY: Fans, Poison Ivy is RUNNING back down the aisle...she appears to have something wrapped up a towel...this can't be good. In the ring, Vizzack sends Hornet down with a dropkick and follows with a hard elbow. The World Champ pulls Hornet to his feet and sends him into the ropes......FLYING DROPKICK MISSES by Vizzack!!! Hornet held onto the ropes!!!
RICHARD DAWSON: And that's what Ivy has been waiting for...she hands that bundle to Hornet as she pulls that towel off.
BB: Wait a second...that's some kind of...that's......OHMYLORD....IT'S A BRANDING IRON!!!!!!!!!!!!
RD: And there's STEAM coming off it!!!!
BB: Vizzack gets to his feet.........AND GETS BLASTED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!!!! Hornet just KOed Vizzack with the side of that branding iron. What in the name of all that is good and pure is Hornet thinking?
RD: Bill.....normally this would be time for a Survey Says...but this is even too bizarre for me.
BB: Vizzack is facedown on the mat...and I think he's bleeding from the back of the head, Richard. Hornet walks over and stands over Vizzack. He's got that branding iron poised..........
RD: Somebody's gotta do something!!!!!!
BB: He's going to....he's......CUT AWAY!!! DO IT! CUT THE CAMERA AWAY NOW!!! HE JUST PLUNGED THAT METAL ROD ONTO VIZZACK'S BACK!!!! HORNET JUST BRANDED MARK VIZZACK!!! And Vizzack didn't even react...he is out cold.
RD: About three fans have just jumped the security rail here...they're charging the ring.
BB: Normally I'd be enraged about that...but...I just don't...this can't...
RD: Poison Ivy catches one of the fans with her retrieved Singapore cane. Oh no....two are trying to get into the ring to get at Hornet. Hornet runs across and knocks one off the apron and into the security rail. The other gets in....and Hornet raises that branding iron!!! NO! Apparently he thought better of it....he sidesteps the fan and sends him through the ropes.
BB: This is getting out of control...we could end up with a riot.
RD: Security has just come down here in droves...this crowd is furious.
BB: Can you blame them??? He just....and now what's he doing??? Hornet is pulling Ben Worthington over to the center of the ring. Worthington seems about half-conscious from where Sunshine has been trying to wake him up.
RD: Where is Sunshine?
BB: She's down by the rail, Richard....I didn't see it, but Ivy must have caught her from behind with that cane. This is a travesty...a real...
RD: Everything's a travesty with you, isn't it?
BB: Shut up, Richard. Fans, Hornet is yelling at Worthington to make the count. And here it comes.......... ONE......TWO......THREE. Mark Vizzack's reign is over, and Hornet's fourth CSWA World Title reign has become. I can't believe this, Richard. I never thought Hornet would stoop so low. I mean...he knows what's it like...Jim Williams attacked him with a branding iron...Mike Randalls drugged him...scores of people have tried to take him out...but this...this is....
RD: A travesty...we know. Look Bill, it's simply if you were listening to the man. He doesn't care about all that. Sure he knows what it feels like...he also knows what a ton of bricks feels like.
V/O: With the exit of Hornet’s “it’s nothing personal” persona, it seemed like the branding iron might be gone forever. But it all started with the return of a man named Thomas…
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME: LABOR DAY LAYOUT – September 6, 2004)
BB: Exactly. You’re calling for worse...it remains to be seen what’s left up Thomas’ sleeve, but already the new chairman of CS Enterprises has turned the wrestling world on its ear. Dan Ryan was stripped of the CSWA World Title and Joey Melton named new champion.
SB: And rightly so. Joey Melton’s an entertainer on par with Wayne Newton, Tim Conway, and the guy in the butterfly costume of the new MSN commercials. Ryan’s a tough man, but in this business it’s about givin’ the audience what they want, night in and night out. Nobody’s done that better than Melton since Woody Allen. A man who was no doubt rolling over in his grave at the sight of Dan Ryan parading around as champion.
(Elevator doors open; Stephen and Hortense step out into the Tower’s parking garage. The couple takes a few steps, then stop cold in their tracks.)
(Hortense gasps in horror.)
(CLOSE-UP: Thomas’ personal stretch limo. Beat to hell. Tires slashed. Windshields busted. Rear-view mirrors repositioned. Dents carved into the body as if someone took batting practice on it for a good five minutes.)
THOMAS: Get back inside. Go!
(Hortense runs back in the elevator.)
(Thomas circles the car inspecting the damage carefully. He inches to the back fender and out of the corner of his eye a figure standing at the opposite end of the garage catches his attention.)
(Dan Ryan, leaning up against the garage wall, casually cuts a 36-38 oz. aluminum Easton bat in the air.)
(Best workout Ryan’s had in quite a while. By far.)
V/O: Dan Ryan pitted himself against the oldest new management on record, Stephen Thomas. As punishment, Thomas threw him into a match against Craig Miles. When Ryan came out victorious, Thomas’s new ‘partnership’ was revealed.
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME in Nassau -- October 7, 2004
(CUTTO: A corridor in the PCL II. Dan Ryan gingerly walks down the hallway with a CSWA Trainer.)
"It's a scratch,” Ryan bemoaned, the slight hitch to his steps a dramatic carryover from the match. Miles tenderized the Texan’s overworked joints with a sincerity he didn’t foresee his opponent possessing. If he worked less, Dan would’ve said “no” with more authority, but he’s arguably the biggest name in professional wrestling. He doesn’t live for fortune or glory, but it’s sure as hell nice. The question Ryan’s asked himself the last two years is, ‘Is the price worth paying?’ That he’s indulging the effects of a mini-war for any wandering fans’ benefit says volumes. “If I didn't have one after a show I wouldn't be able to sleep."
"I see,” the trainer playfully shot back, “You work 300 nights a year to master insomnia."
"Now, he's gettin' it."
"Humor me Ryan,” their walk was slowing, “I feel like I'm stealing money as it is. Free cruise, bunch of athletes who'd rather work with a limb begging to fall off than be in my graces."
"Let me put your mind at ease, Doc. You are cheatin' the company."
Edward Niles, a relative new CS employee smiles. “Thanks."
Niles directs Ryan into a training room on their right. The former World Heavyweight Champion opens the door and reaches inside the darkness for the light switch. Good thing Thomas paid the power bill.
“Watch this, magic...”
As the blackness immediately lifts, Ryan’s shot in the face with a mouthful of green mist.
Timmy Windham dives at the big man’s feet, taking his physical superior to the mat instantly. Ryan, blinded, sweeps the immediate area furiously with his hands.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
Mickey Benedict, stepping from behind the opened door, cracks Niles over the head with a 2x4 effectively shutting the man up, then quiets Ryan’s rebuttal with a series of swift shots to the back of Dan’s neck.
Timmy, blood gushing from a spot on his neck where Dan inflicted damage, ties Ryan’s feet securely with a piece of rope then angrily leaps to his feet and kicks freely.
Ryan stirs, sweeping for his attackers, but he’s blind and beaten. Windham relishing the odds; drives Ryan’s head into the floor, reopening the wound Miles created.
“The Muppet Kid” grabs Ryan’s arms and falls to the floor in front of him, stretching Dan’s body, exposing his back to the unguarded whips of Benedict’s leather belt that viciously follow.
Dan grimaces, but the lights are dimming. If he could get to his feet, they’d never find the bodies. But as the leather eats into skin, what’s left on the menu, the modern-day warrior knows he’ll have to take.
“Get this piece of crap up,” Benedict instructs, the life bleeding back into his eyes. It’s the day-to-day activities that have crippled Mickey, molded him into a useless old man, but when his hatred has an outlet he feels young again.
“That’s a good boy...”
Timmy hooks Ryan’s arms behind his back, and brings him to his knees. Mickey grabs Ryan’s chin and elevates it to match his eye line.
“Smarten up kid,” Benedict slaps him, “and get out of town! Or you're going to wind up like Windham.” An elbow over the bridge of Ryan’s nose for an exclamation, “Dead and buried!"
The old man slips on a loaded glove, rears back, and hits his prey in the head.
V/O: Thomas’ dirty deal with Benedict and Timmy revealed, a new player was pulled in. But by whose design?
(Also at PRIMETIME in Nassau: CSWA Commish Thomas has Hornet on the phone. Joined in progress.)
(THOMAS) “What I do know is that you were sent tickets to be here this week. I had Teri send them personally after the apparent miscommunication from last time.
(HORNET) “And I just assumed they were wrong again. Why would you want me there? You didn’t have me booked for a match… unless Teri’s letter was wrong about that.
“Look, let’s get this clear. I may not be able to fire or suspend you based on this ridiculous contract that you swindled Merritt into signing, but it says I still have the ability to schedule your appearances and sign your matches.”
“And just what appearance or match are you signing?”
“Look, I’m not here to get in a pissing contest with you.”
“Good to hear, cause I just had a Big Gulp.”
“I’m just trying to get things running the way they should be. I’m trying to make sure that the company stays viable, and that we’re putting on compelling matches to draw ratings.”
“You mean like Craig Miles dressed up in facepaint and tights against Joey Melton?”
“Look..you weren’t here. I had to do something…”
“Let’s be real clear about something, Steve. You may have had some brain cells burned away by a steady diet of sun and coconut milk for the last few years, and I may have had some eaten away by popping Somas like candy, but I’m not senile yet. You had no intention of putting me in the ring against Melton… and Miles didn’t just happen to be aboard the Cruise Liner and available.to wrestle with no CSWA contract.”
“I told you… I’m trying to get this company running right, and that means correcting some of Chad’s mistakes. Letting Miles’ contract lapse was a mistake.”
“Just like signing mine, huh? You have no idea what you’ve put yourself into by bringing Miles back, especially now.”
“I know all about his little vendetta against you. As far as what he chooses to do elsewhere…I’ve already been clear that what matters here is the CSWA, and only the CSWA. Look, here’s the deal. I expect you here on the Cruise Liner in two weeks. And like I said, it’s about what’s best for the company, especially ratings-wise. That means that in two weeks, you face Joey Melton for the CSWA World Championship. Straight-up… no Miles dressed up as you, no games, no excuses.”
“Do you really think I believe you aren’t setting me up?”
“I don’t care what you believe. But I know one thing… if you don’t show up for the match, then no judge in the land is going to stop me from voiding your contract, especially not after your Battle of the Belts no-show. So, it’s really up to you. Take me at my word, stop being so freaking suspicious and get a shot at being a five-time CSWA World Champion…. Or add one more match to your list of no-shows and give me enough ammo to get out from under your contract once and for all. Got it?”
(Another moment of silence.)
“Hornet? Do you hear me? Answer me!”
(A burst of that annoying phone company beeping comes on the line, confirming that Hornet has disconnected… with no answer forthcoming.)
V/O: And with the hook baited, and Hornet’s closet raided by his once-upon-a-time stalker, the stage was set.
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME in Freeport -- October 31, 2004
CSWA World Championship: Joey Melton vs. Hornet -- joined in progress
BB: Melton pulls Lindsay off Hornet, and brings the US champ to his feet. Pins Hornet’s left knee behind him and lifts him in the air, KNEE DROP! Joey goes right back to it, pins the knee, lifts the body up, (Troy swings wildly with the chair and whacks Joey in the back.)
SB: Control…you must learn controlllllllllllllllll.
(CUTTO: Thomas’ office. Thomas is watching the match on the couch in his office with Hortense. He leaps to his feet, a chess player having seen five moves ahead and knowing he lost.)
THOMAS: CODE GREEN! CODE GREEN!
HORTENSE: Baby what is it?
THOMAS: (grabbing his cell phone and running out the door, screaming) CODE GREEN! CODE GREEN!
(CUTTO: Ballroom A.)
(Troy tossing the chair out of the ring while berating a fallen Melton. Hornet shakes his head, smiles…then covers.)
BB: Worthington counts!! ONE…………TWO…………………..(Troy snaps out of her rage, and comes back to earth, diving for Worthington’s arm saving the mat from a 3rd smack.) T----No! Troy! (Worthington wrestles his arm loose and pounds the mat, but before he can…Melton gets his right shoulder up.) Joey’s up!
SB: It’s like watching Richard Burton and Liz Taylor host a dinner party.
BB: Hornet savat kick to Joey’s stomach!! IMPLANT DDT!! (Fans go wild.) Melton’s gone! He’s finished! Hornet looks to the fans, he knows what they want! To the top rope he goes! This is it right here!
SB: I’ll run in myself if I have to. I won’t sit through the rest of this cruise with Hornet as champ. I just…won’t!
BB: SHOOTING STAR PRESS! SHOOTING STAR PRESS! Nobody does it better! He’s going to be the CSWA World Champion for the 5th time! (Hornet covers Melton, as Worthington drops to count backed by thousands of screaming fans.) ONE…….TWO…..
(Fans react as Timmy Windham bungees to the ring, safety releases, then hooks a cord on Worthington’s belt. As Ben’s hand comes down for the third time, his body’s shot up in the air at an alarming rate.)
BB: SWEET MOTHER!
SB: Wow, look at Worthington haul ass.
BB: Timmy Windham’s jumped Hornet!! He’s beating the US Champ with…. With a BRANDING IRON! He’s using Hornet’s own weapon of choice against him! Windham whipping the iron over Hornet’s head! Somebody get in here and stop this before he ends Hornet’s career like he did Mark’s!
SB: You know, usually I’d be pleased at seeing Hornet bleed like a stuck pig…
(Fans go silent as Windham stomps at his prey. Timmy reaches for the heavens then sinks in the Iron Claw!)
BB: The Iron Claw!!!
(SFX: DING! DING!)
SB: Rhubarb forced the ring bell…it’s out of hand Buckley. And you know my policy. When the Windham’s arrive, I retire to the wet bar. Good luck.
BB: Sammy!! Fans we’re out of time…. Marvin get the cameras off Hornet…we don’t need to see thi----
BB: IT’S THE ‘EGO BUSTER’ DAN RYAN!! DAN RYAN’S hit the scene!!
(Melton, groggy outside the ring, grabs Troy and they high tail it through the stands.)
BB: Ryan jumps Windham!! Both men tearing into each other! Bar the door Katie, we’re out of time! This tour’s over, and it’s been more chaotic than the DAYS OF OUR LIVES: CRUISE OF DECEPTION! We'll see you at PRIMETIME 500!
V/O: A deposed champion, a former hero, and a deranged stalker. Schemes and machinations galore, with no one quite sure which side anyone else is on. Toss in a well-used branding iron, and it gives us one more potential classic for the PRIMETIME archives. Winning is simple – no pinfalls, no submissions. All you have to do is show your true colors and take out some aggression at the same time. Just grab the branding iron and use it. But the devil is in the details.
(CUEUP: “The Muppet Show Theme.” Rhubarb Jones is in the ring, microphone in hand, as CSWAvision erupts into light and color. Green fireworks begin shooting from both sides of the entryway.)
It’s time to get things started…
It’s time to get things right…
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the second half of this DOUBLE MAIN EVENT here at the historic five hundredth edition of CSWA PRIMETIME. You know the rules, and you can see the branding iron above the ring. First, hailing from Sweetwater, Texas, and standing at five-feet-eleven-inches tall and two hundred forty-five pounds, he is a former CSWA Unified Tag Team Champion, as well as a former Enterprise World Champion… he is… The MUPPET KID…. TIMMY WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDHAM!
(Windham steps out through the spray of green sparks. The crowd is on its feet, with almost all of them booing the man who was once a fan favorite. Then again, he was also supposed to be Mark Windham’s brother – not some creepy guy that Mickey Benedict groomed to trick his way into the Windham family.)
(As Timmy climbs into the ring, CSWAvision abruptly changes, showing a familiar face walking out of the shadows into a bright spotlight as showers of orange fireworks shotgun every few seconds from the two cannons on either side of the ramp.)
(CUEUP: “Like The Sun” by I Mother Earth)
I’m finding my way
Finding the words
One body breaking
Someone come and rise up
RJ: From right here in Greensboro, North Carolina (cheap pop), he is six-feet-five-inches tall and two hundred sixty three pounds. You know the credentials – Unified World Champion, four-time CSWA World Champion, current United States Champion. He is the ONE…. The ONLY! HORNETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!
(Hornet jogs down the entryway, hands outstretched to high five those with hands out, but his eyes tell a different story, solely focused above the ring. The crowd is cheering as he hits the ring steps and climbs in, leaning in the corner opposite Timmy Windham.)
(CUEUP: “Zero” by Smashing Pumpkins as the lights go out.)
My reflection, dirty mirror
There’s no connection to myself
I’m your lover, I’m your zero
RJ: From Houston, Texas… he’s a massive six-feet-seven-inches tall and three hundred thirty pounds. They call him “The Ego Buster,” but most of us just call him the man who is still the rightful CSWA World Champion… he is… DAN! RYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYANNNNNNN!!!!
(The crowd pops as the man who was stripped of the World Title steps through the current as a strobe light begins flashing. At least one old man with a pacemaker in the audience misses a beat as Ryan approaches… it looks like he’s moving incredibly fast due to the strobe… and the crowd pops huge as they realize he’s running to the ring to meet…)
BB: Ryan slides in the ring, and he just ROCKED Timmy Windham with a huge clothesline that sent the Muppet Kid over the top rope and down onto the concrete!!! Ryan eyes Hornet from across the ring, but Hornet simply smiles and gestures as if letting Ryan take out his frustrations on Timmy first!
SB: Ryan may be fired up…but Rhubarb may just be plain fired after that introduction. I can’t imagine Thomas is going to be too thrilled. Then again, why do I care?
(SFX: bell rings, a bit late.)
BB: After what we’ve seen tonight, I’m not sure exactly what would thrill Thomas. A few months ago, he’s doing everything he can to keep Hornet off television and try to get out of his contract… then he throws him into a title match against Hornet… only to engineer Timmy attacking him. And now tonight – he says he wants to honor Hornet’s ‘devotion’ to the CSWA by putting him in this Main Event match… something doesn’t add up.
SB: When has two plus two ever added up to anything but five around here? It’s like asking how you solve a problem like Bill Parsons.
BB: “Bill! Get that outta your mouth!”
SB: Now that’s reaching back to the early PRIMETIME days. God rest his soul.
BB: Um, Bill’s not dead, Sammy.
SB: He is to me…
BB: Timmy tries to get back in the ring, but Ryan simply knocks him off the apron with a knee, sending Windham right on top of one of the two ladders lying at ringside.
BB: How else did you think they were going to get that branding iron way up there, Sammy?
SB: I figured Hornet was going to bring the jetpack back – it is a special occasion after all.
SB: Or at the very least, Timmy could use his bungee cord to get it. As far as Ryan, I’m waiting for him to pull out one of those little flying machines from Spiderman or something.
BB: He’s not the Green Goblin!
SB: Hey, we’ve got a man named “The Muppet Kid” in the ring… why can’t Ryan throw a mask on and start throwing fireballs at people.
BB: While Ryan keeps an eye on Timmy, Hornet has rolled out of the ring on the opposite side and has a hold of the second ladder. He tosses it into the ring and rolls in behind in. On the other side, Timmy has a ladder and is trying to use it to keep Ryan at bay. Ryan backs up, looks at Hornet, and then the two charge… DOUBLE BASEBALL SLIDE!!!!
SB: WATCH OUT! MUPPET OVERBOARD!
(SFX: Loud thud. Microphones ‘pop’ as Benson and Buckley dive for cover.)
BB: Timmy Windham just got knocked back over our table like he was being yanked by that bungee cord he loves so much! He’s obviously had the wind knocked out of him.
SB: It is too much to ask to have the STUPID knocked out him?
BB: Ryan and Hornet nod to each other, but just that quick, they both turn to each other and lock up! Ryan forces Hornet into the corner and keeps him there with a big hip check. Hornet tries to punch his way out, but Ryan simply grabs him by his shoulders and THROWS him across the ring, into the other corner!
SB: A couple more tosses like that and Ryan might be able to just knock the branding iron down using Hornet.
BB: Hornet charges out, but Ryan catches him… BELLY TO BELLY… ONTO THE LADDER!!!
SB: I’d start yelling about Hornet’s back, but we’ve seen how much good that’s done since that witch doctor put some sort of computer back there.
BB: Hornet is reeling in pain as Ryan gets to his feet. Ryan backs up to set up for the legdrop… WATCH OUT!!!
SB: I guess Ryan figures it’s bad luck to walk under ladders, so he just takes them to the head.
BB: Timmy just caught Ryan right in the mush with the top of that ladder. It’s like watching a jousting knight get thrown off his horse!
SB: That’s what we need! Next PRIMETIME…if there is one… midget knights jousting on ponies… or great danes… pigs, whatever!
BB: I keep wondering when you lost it… and then I realize you never had it to start with.
SB: You finally figured it out.
BB: Windham follows up by slamming that ladder down across Ryan’s chest. He jumps up to the second rope and comes off with a legdrop on Ryan.
SB: Stupid Muppet… flesh plus metal equals bad idea. He hurt himself, even if he kept Ryan off his feet for a minute.
BB: Hornet rolls back in the ring, finally recovered from that huge suplex he took onto the other ladder. He sees Ryan and Timmy both down, and he picks up the ladder and sets it up! If he’s fast enough, he might be able to get the branding iron…and then he just has to use it!
SB: And if history is any predictor, that means that he won’t hit the guy we expect him to… he’ll doublecross the other guy, and then we’ll get to hear a speech about why.
BB: So you’re saying he’s gonna go after Ryan?
SB: I’m so confused by the equation right now… he might just end up smacking himself in the head with it. Who knows!
BB: Hornet’s up to the third rung of that eight-foot ladder. He’s going to have to get up another three or four rungs, and then reach out into open space…
SB: Not if those two have anything to say about it…
BB: Ryan benchpresses the other ladder off from on top of him and rolls to his side, his back against the ladder that Hornet is climbing! Meanwhile, Timmy is on his feet, and it looks like he’s headed to the top rope!
SB: What’s he doing? All he has to do is go over there and knock Hornet off, or push the ladder over. What’s he gonna do…dive over HERE again!?
BB: Timmy crouches on the top…. FLYING BODY PRESS… INTO the ladder!!!! The ladder and Hornet teeter…and FALL!!!!
SB: YES! I’ve never heard a lovelier sound!
BB: Hornet tried to grab the top rope as the ladder hit it, but instead, he just plunged to the floor below!!!! He fell at least nine or ten feet straight down!
SB: It’s like Santa dropped by with a belated Christmas gift! I knew that lump of coal couldn’t be all I was getting!
(CUTTO: a cameraman on the apron zooms in on Hornet, who is lying on the thinly-padded floor as fans lean over the barricade and yell at him to get up. He shakes his head for a moment, then collapses back to the mat.)
BB: It took a lot out of Timmy Windham too… but not Dan Ryan! Ryan grabs Timmy by the hair from behind and shoves him backwards into the ropes. SNAP SUPLEX!!!
SB: Timmy’s head certainly snapped! It’s like that time Mark piledrove him on the concrete. Now THAT’S a “PRIMETIME moment.”
BB: Ryan pulls him up and sends him back into the ropes…. SPINEBUSTER!!!! He drove Timmy into the mat so hard that the whole ring shook! Ryan signals!!!
SB: Signals what? Uh oh, is there an electrified steel cage up there somewhere?
BB: NO! He’s waiting on Timmy to get up…he’s setting him up for the LAST RIDE! And this crowd can’t wait to see it! Timmy’s up to his knees…then one foot, and that’s enough… Ryan powers him up over his head……. LAST RIDE POWERBOMB!!!!!!
SB: First Hornet falling to his death…then that freaky Muppet getting put through the ring… it’s like someone has heard my prayers.
BB: If a pinfall could end this one, it would be over… but Ryan still has to get up to that branding iron! He kicks Timmy’s prone body out of the way and grabs a ladder from under the bottom rope. He’s got it set up in the middle of the ring!
SB: And he’s got a height advantage too… he won’t have to go all the way up to that last rung… or if he does, he won’t have to reach far to get the branding iron.
BB: Ryan starts up the ladder as this capacity crowd cheers him on! First rung…second… a foot on the third…. The ladder wobbles, but he steadies it and steps up towards the fourth rung. Timmy rolls to his side and puts a hand on the bottom of the ladder… but he’s in no condition to pull the big man off of there.
SB: Unless the Hooded Falcon swoops down and smacks Ryan in the head, this one’s over!
BB: Maybe not… Hornet’s on his feet on the outside!!! And now, down the aisle, here comes Lindsay Troy! Shouldn’t she have come down with Ryan in the introductions?
SB: Maybe she was consoling Melton on his loss, if you know what I mean.
BB: I think we got it, Sammy. Innuendo passed you by long ago, didn’t it?
SB: I majored in double entendre myself, Buckley.
BB: Troy is yelling at Ryan. It looks like she’s warning him about Hornet on the apron. Ryan quickly reaches up for the branding iron..his fingertips reach it, but he can’t pull it down! Hornet’s threw the ropes, and he grabs Ryan by the boot… but Ryan kicks him away and reaches up again. Hornet with a better hold this time…he’s trying to pull Ryan down or pull the ladder over, but Ryan’s fending him off.
SB: Not to mention the shrieking that Troy woman is doing down there. I swear, it’s like listening to a chorus of nails on a chalkboard plus Carl Lewis singing the national anthem!
BB: Ryan with an elbow from the ladder!!!! He collapses on top of Hornet, and now he’s beating him down with hard rights!
SB: You know how some promotion owners pay for plastic surgery for the women they hire? Is there some way to give Troy a voice implant? I swear, if she’d just shut up and let us look at her, we’d all be happy. Then again…maybe a little nose job too…
BB: It looks like Ryan is almost choking Hornet out. Referee Ben Worthington is on the outside of the ring calling for a break, but there’s not much he can do… with the ladders and the nature of the match he just has to sit back and call for the bell when sometimes gets hit with that branding iron.
SB: You mean we won’t be treated to the patented “Worthington flop” as he gets hit by a stray boot or elbow?
BB: Ryan’s on his feet. He has Hornet on the mat up against the corner and it looks like he choking the life out of him with his boot! In the meantime…sneaky Timmy Windham has crawled to the far side of the ladder and is starting his way up it! Lindsay Troy quickly makes Ryan aware. He leaves Hornet gasping in the corner and starts up the other side of the ladder!
SB: A Muppet and a meathead. What more could you ask for?
TROY: KNOCK HIM DOWN, DAN!
SB: Other than a sock to stuff in her mouth..
BB: Ryan fires a right hand that almost knocks Timmy off, but he holds on. Another right, but Timmy has his left arm wrapped around a rung holding him on. He fires back, but Ryan barely budges. They’re trading rights, and with each one, Timmy wobbles more and more. They’re both about three rungs up the ladder… whoever can stay on may be able to get to the top and end this match!
SB: So does it count if one of them gets the branding iron and hits HER with it?
BB: You’d have to ask Worthington about that, Sammy.
SB: Yeah, right. At least he’s not one of the Young family… maybe he wouldn’t have a heart attack if I asked him.
BB: You’re just truly evil, Sammy.
SB: Hey…PRIMETIME Moments…right?
BB: That certainly was one. They both keep trying to climb the ladder while at the same time Ryan keeps punching away at Timmy, but the Muppet Kid is holding on…
SB: Like Elmo with one of the Village People…
SB: Like Ms. Piggy with a three-course dinner?
SB: Like Gonzo with a flock of chickens?
BB: You just sound stupid now…
SB: At least I met my quota of Muppet jokes for this one, Buckley.
BB: Ryan and Windham are both high up on the ladder now, still trying to knock the other off! Hornet is on his knees by the apron, trying to pull the second ladder fully into the ring, but Lindsay Troy has a hold of one end! Referee Worthington is cautioning her, but he seems reluctant to actually force her to let go.
SB: She a freaking six-foot-three Amazon, Buckley. Would you try and make her listen? She hasn’t shut up long enough to even realize there’s a ref around!
BB: Hornet finally pulls the ladder away from her. Halfway across the ring, it looks like Timmy is about to take the fall to the mat…but NO! He leans away from one of Ryan’s punches and fires back with his own!
SB: What’s Bugbrain doing?
BB: He’s got the ladder held in front of him, braced with both hands! He CHARGES! LOOK OUT!!!!!!
(Hornet uses the ropes for leverage and runs across the ring with the ladder as a makeshift battering ram. He connects halfway up the standing ladder with as much force as he can muster, sending the ladder… and it’s occupants… teetering towards the ropes.)
(As the ladder tips, Windham seems to sense his fate and lets go…crashing to the floor. A split-second later… the latter and Dan Ryan follow… taking the plunge ten feet down.)
BB: WATCH OUT!
SB: I haven’t seen a bump like that since… since…. Hornet a few minutes ago.
BB: That was a huge fall for Ryan and Windham!
SB: No…I’m talking about that fan! He leaned over the barricade like an idiot to touch Timmy Windham’s sweat or something… and he got clocked in the head with the ladder… and maybe by Ryan’s boot! I’m gonna have to get a replay of that later tonight.
(CUTTO: The camera shows the carnage. Dan Ryan is somehow on top of the ladder, which is on top of Timmy Windham. The fan that got hit is laid across the barricade – we only see the back of his dirty T-shirt, showing the words “It’s Miller Time!”)
BB: Hornet is all alone in the ring! He takes a minute to catch his breath, and now he starts to set up the remaining ladder, right in the center of the ring. It looks like Hornet is going to get to the branding iron…but the question remains, who will he use it on!?
SB: I vote for Troy.
BB: Lindsay Troy is trying to get Ryan to his feet, trying to get him into the ring. And amazingly, he’s up to one knee. Hornet starts his way up the ladder as Ryan tries to muster up enough wind to get into the ring. And now it looks like Timmy Windham is trying to crawl out from under that ladder on the outside… I can’t believe how these three men are still going at it!
SB: Look out… it’s Senorita Loudmouth to the rescue!
BB: Lindsay Troy steps away from Ryan and stomps down hard on the ladder that is still on top of Timmy Windham’s legs!!! He shrieks in pain… and she does it again! Now she picks the ladder up, only to SLAM it down on his right leg!!!
SB: Yeah, what a woman…. Give her a Singapore cane and she’d be a regular cheap copy of the real Feminazi.
BB: Worthington has made his way around the ring and is arguing with Troy, apparently threatening to disqualify Ryan. She stares down Worthington, kicks Timmy in the head with her boot, and then stalks away!
SB: Look out, she’s coming over here!
BB: Meanwhile, Ryan has literally clawed his way into the ring. But it may be too late… Hornet is stepping up on that final rung and reaching up, trying to get his fingers locked around the branding iron that he knows so well!
SB: Between Mouth and Bugbrain, I just might be sick.
(Crowd pops huge!)
BB: He’s almost… he’s GOT IT! Hornet’s got the branding iron!!!
SB: But now he’s got to USE it! And guess who the closest target is!
BB: Dan Ryan is leaning against the bottom of the ladder on the opposite side… Hornet brandishes the weapon to the crowd and starts his way down. Sammy’s right… to win this match, he’s got to use that branding iron on either Ryan or Timmy!
SB: But what if…
BB: No! He can’t hit Troy!
SB: No, what if…
BB: As Hornet makes his way down, Ryan uses the opposite side of the ladder to get to his feet! They’re on their feet on the mat at the same time… and now they’re staring each other down! Hornet’s has the weapon in his right hand…it looks like he wants to go after Timmy, but he’s not sure what Dan is going to do!
SB: What if Ryan gets the branding iron before Hornet uses it?!
BB: Dan Ryan raises his arms as if to dare Hornet to hit him! If he does…he ends this match! But no matter how much either of these men dislikes each other… it’s Timmy Windham they want revenge on!
SB: Don’t be so sure!
(For the eleventh time in PRIMETIME history, (trust us, we know), Lights flicker! Part of the crowd screams.)
(CUTTO: As the lights come back up, the camera zooms in on Dan Ryan on the mat, blood streaming from a wound in his forehead. He’s conscious, but stunned. As the camera pulls back, Hornet stands on camera-side left, still with the branding iron in hand…and on the right…)
BB and SB: MARK WINDHAM!?
(The crowd erupted from the moment the lights came back on, and they haven’t died down yet. In the ring, dressed in a black trenchcoat and jeans, stands the sandy blonde-haired man. His face is down, but the lines seemed stretched, more gaunt than months ago. He still has a neck collar on, almost hiding his mouth. Outside the ring, Timmy has used the confusion to take a chair to the back of Lindsay’s knee. She’s in pain, but still trying to pull herself from the floor to the apron with little success. Timmy, bleeding from his mouth, is working his way onto the apron as well.)
BB: We haven’t seen Mark Windham since he retired after ANNIVERSARY following a savage beating at the hands of Timmy. Speaking of Timmy…he’s on the apron! He sees Mark and charges!!!
(Hornet tosses the branding iron across the ring to Mark, who catches it. Timmy stops like a light has just turned red, halfway between Mark and Hornet. He looks at Mark, then turns to Hornet… and smiles…)
BB: Mark charges! HE JUST HIT HORNET! HE JUST BUSTED HORNET OPEN WITH THAT BRANDING IRON! GOOD LORD NO!
SB: YES! YES! DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE… AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO DEAL WITH THOSE ANIMATRONIC BEARS! PRIMETIME MOMENTS! PRIMETIME MOMENTS!
BB: Hornet dropped like a ton of bricks came down on him, and he’s bleeding severely from his forehead! Timmy Windham backs up against the ropes… he jumps to the second rope and then jumps straight down onto Hornet’s chest… he calls that “THE CLEAR!”
SB: ONE…TWO…THREE… CLEAR!
BB: And now he does the same thing to Dan Ryan! Mark Windham takes that branding iron, and now he’s just digging it into Hornet’s bloody forehead, while Timmy tries to choke out the downed Dan Ryan! Lindsay Troy is trying to get into the ring, but that knee won’t support any weight! We need help down here!
(The camera shows Hornet’s face, a veritable clichéd crimson mask. Mark Windham’s face is inches above Hornet’s, just out of frame, as he continues to hammer the end of the branding iron into the widening gash. In a quick cut, another camera shows blood welling from a cut in Ryan’s forehead as Timmy digs into his throat, and Troy tries to claw her way to Ryan’s aid. The camera pans up to Timmy Windham’s face… deranged, reveling in the carnage.)
BB: Get us out of here! This isn’t how things were supposed…. Marvin, cue the fade. Somebody get Gethard down here NOW!
SB: (singing) One shining moment…
(As the fade to black happens, the last shot is of Mark and Timmy with their backs to the cameras, one arm over each other’s shoulders, as the fans throw garbage into the ring.)