The lights are low inside the CSWA Hall of Champions. The broad hall is usually filled with bright light streaming in through the large windows, along with the spotlights above the various displays. It’s the eve of PRIMETIME 500, and Hornet stands in the long hallway that connects CS Towers, the brick-and-mortar headquarters of CS Enterprises, to the CSWA Auditorium, at least now that Merritt’s name has been removed from the marquee.
As he walks through the hall, some of the spotlights are still on. The bronze statue of the CS Express stands in front of the CSWA’s original ring, first rented, then purchased, by Thomas and Merritt from a grizzled old promoter who had worked a nearby territory, but was put out of the business after his license was revoked by the state commission.
Joey Melton’s smirk, still the same although sixteen years younger, shines under a spotlight that highlights the first CSWA World Champion – a man who thought the CSWA was simply an overnight stop on the way to a series of WCW tapings that he never made it to.
He passes the sections on Mark Windham, Mike Randalls and Eli Flair (and Ivy, of course), each showing memorabilia and pictures from years past. The video monitors, which usually repeat clips of victories’ past, are blank and black.
It’s always odd, seeing pictures of yourself from years gone by. As Hornet steps up to his own likeness, ten years younger, he compares the haircut, the physique, the smile. It’s the smile of a younger man, a relative innocent who could never imagine where the next decade would take him.
A myriad of gold belts winks back in the low light, from a display that talks about the CSWA World Championship and the Unified World Title. But this isn’t a walk down memory lane. It’s not about living in a distant past.
It’s a final opportunity to reflect. Because tomorrow, he straps on the emotional armor one more time. On one side, an immense, impressive wrestler he knows what it is to hold the big gold belt. On the other, a man he once called a friend, and cared for so much that he tried to rush into a burning arena to save him.
Dan Ryan – a natural opponent. Timmy Windham – a natural freak. “The Ego Buster,” a man who knows loss, who knows pride. “The Muppet Kid,” a man who faked an entire life, simply to get revenge on men who had never done him wrong, had never wanted to do anything but help him.
Hornet stops in front of the doors that connect the Hall into the foyer of the Auditorium. He’s walked those aisles a hundred times before…and many more like them hundreds more times.
But never with this seed of doubt. Even in his matches against Mark, or Mike, or Eli, he believed that he would win… he wanted to. It was part of a drive… part of who he was, who he had staked his own self-worth around.
He had always thought the talk about athletes losing their drive after they stepped out of drug rehab was just a load of bunk. That they could still maintain the drive to win, the desire to compete, even while dealing with their addictions on the side.
But it’s not the same. The drive is there… but different. The desire exists… but changed. It no longer defines who he is. And he’s comfortable with that… comfortable that his self-image doesn’t depend on gold belts or win-loss records. It’s made him more centered… made him.. well, better, even.
So Paul is a better man, or at least on the road with a chance to become one.
But what does that mean for Hornet?
They'll Let Anybody In These Days
(Steve Radder is walking through the lower garage of the CSWA (formerly Merritt) Auditorium toward the stage entrance. A blue duffel bag is over one shoulder, and he is in his street clothes. Finally, he comes to a door where two security guards stand on either side with looks on their face that suggest there is something rank under their noses. A sign on the door says "CSWA Employees Only - Access By Authorization Only".)
GINO: Yo. What you want?
ALVIN: Let him in, Gene. This guy's on the roster, didn't ya get the memo? Don't you recognize him? He used to be Steve Radder. World Champ for a bit.
RADDER: That's right. Outta the way, meathead.
GINO: Who you callin' ...
(Before a brawl can start, Radder takes a deep breath and steps back. ALVIN moves over and holds GINO back. While the two enter a heated discussion, with Gino pointing at him, Radder steps up to the door, running a hand through his hair and letting his air out with a sigh. He puts out his hand to push the door open, and just beneath the cuff of the long-sleeve shirt he is wearing is the tail end of a nasty scar. Radder walks through the door after a moment’s hesitation.)
(CUEUP: “Final Countdown” – Europe)
(CUTTO: The original PRIMETIME LOGO.)
(The logo dissolves into an empty, darkened CSWA Auditorium. CSWA Commissioner Stephen Thomas is lit in the middle of the ring by a lone spotlight. Thomas slow turns before dropping to his knees. A bead of sweat shakes free from his hairline and rolls down his forehead, wetting the bridge of his nose before dropping to the mat; mixing with the stains of performances long since past. Stephen’s right hand burrows inside his navy blue sports coat and pulls out a microphone. Thomas’ green eyes squint as he looks out into the empty sea of seats.)
THOMAS: Tonight, on a very special PRIMETIME, the CSWA celebrates the depths of my imagination.
(Alarmed, Thomas jumps to his left.)
(Thomas CLAPS and the house lights fade in. A hand reaches from outside the ring for the bottom rope. A shaken Sammy Benson carefully pulls himself to his feet.)
BENSON: Sorry. I should’ve known to brace for bull****.
BENSON: Shall we continue?
(Thomas waves Benson off. Sammy climbs the ring steps and stops a Boom Box sitting on the top turnbuckle.)
THOMAS: Was just mulling over this scene for PT 500’s opening. These seats would be full of course...but...what do you think? The spotlight, Europe’s “Final Countdown”...maybe, a miniature blimp floating in the Auditorium with “Support Our Troops”...
BENSON: (pause) That’s one way. But after sixteen years Thomas, I think I know what the people want. (Benson climbs in the ring, and slings his right arm over Thomas’ shoulder.) Here’s what I’m thinking. We fade in....
(FADEIN: On a glorious PRIMETIME 500 logo. Brilliant rays of light burst through various points of the logo before completely ripping it to shreds.)
(VOICE OVER: “What is thy bidding my master?” – Lord Vader)
(CUTTO: A grungy hotel room in New York. A full-length mirror stands to the left of the bed, parallel with the foot of the bed. To the right of the mirror, five-feet over is an open window letting in the smells and sounds of New York. Eight million people packed in expensive living conditions, eight million folk who Adrian Evans (aka Little Voltron) will never relate to, will never understand, and darn sure will never forgive.
Society made him this way. Society has whistled through decades of time passing down judgment from father to son, saying, "little people are scum."
In their world, New York City is King. Shielded by self-absorbed comfort levels, they write Adrian and his kind off as no more than a freak show, a talking squirrel to throw nuts at in Central Park.
Look at him feed. Look at Evans interact. Almost human, almost worthy of their affections, but not quite. The city pities Adrian as means of avoiding community service. Give the guy a nut, a pat on the back, tell him his match against Joey Melton in Japan in January defied the laws of physics. Just do anything that can be passed off as charity.
(The camera pans down the full-length mirror and finally sees a reflection of a man, all three-feet and eight inches of him. Adrian Evans, the squirrel behind the Lion’s mask of Little Voltron, broods into the glass. Adrian’s wearing cowboy boots, denim jeans with a GOONIES patch on the right knee, a white t-shirt with a picture of an apple tree and the words: “Johnny Appleseed Raped The Farm” across the front, and a light green Army jacket. He’s half-Asian, half-Caucasian, his short black hair showing the effects of time. Two day’s worth of stubble fight over his face.)
(Adrian’s got an audio tape recorder in his left hand. He brings it to his mouth and spits.)
LITTLE VOLTRON: Listen you freaks, you screwheads here is a man who would not take it anymore who would not let...
(Little Vol stops. Since he was a boy he’s stuttered. A freak meeting with Bill Walton eight years ago helped him master the disorder. Good man Bill is. It’s the rest of the world that’s deplorrrrrrrrable. Adrian looks disgusted that he ruined the first take, breathes deeply then starts again.)
LITTLE VOLTRON: Listen you freaks you screwheads...here is a man who would not take it anymore, a man who stood up against the scum, the (bleep), the dogs, the filth, the (bleep) here is someone who stood up...here is..."
(CUEUP: “Mad World” – Gary Jules)
(CUTTO: The CS Express. Steve Fiennes rocket launching Chad Dandy off the top turnbuckle.)
“All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces”
(CUTTO: A fresh faced Poison Ivy, Singapore cane in hand, escorting The Eliminator to the ring.)
”Bright and early for the daily races
Going no where
Going no where”
(CUTTO: Lex Vicious bouncing off the ropes to clothesline Dream Warrior.)
(CUTTO: Steven Flair hooking the figure four on Alexander Karelin.)
”Their tears are filling up their glasses
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
(CUTTO: A deranged-looking Mike Randalls attacking “Muppet Kid” Timmy Windham with a bottle from behind.)
(CUTTO: Hornet being hugged on his way to the ring by The Flash, a fourteen year-old mental patient.)
”And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”
(CUTTO: Mark Windham superplexing Bonecrusher off the top of a cage.)
”I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very”
(CUTTO: Joey Melton being dropkicked over the top rope by “Muppet Kid” Timmy Windham.)
(CUTTO: Mike Randalls and GUNS trading blows.)
(CUTTO: Hornet with a Boston Crab on Eddy Love.)
”Children waiting for the day they feel good
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen”
(CUTTO: Eddy Love in front of a PRIMETIME backdrop letting Sweet Melissa strap the World Title around his waist.)
(CUTTO: Steve Radder side-slamming Kevin Powers.)
”Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me”
(CUTTO: Deacon lifting Eli Flair over his head.)
(CUTTO: Mark Windham rolling up Tom Adler.)
”And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”
(CUTTO: Hornet, Hornet-splashing a faceless tag team.)
(CUTTO: Bill Buckley and Sammy Benson sharing a laugh at their familiar table.)
”I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very very”
(CUTTO: A rapid-fire montage of PRIMETIME’s greatest moments; holding on Hornet’s bloodied face.)
Enlarging your world
(CUTTO: A live look inside CSWA Auditorium.)
(Full-shot of a sold-out crowd, SRO. The camera finds various signs and delirious fans, then cuts to a buff-looking Gregg Gethard, CSWA VP of Security, berating a small child for crying.)
(CLOSE-UP: Bill Buckley and Sammy Benson, cleaned up nicely in classic tuxedos. Buckley turns to Sammy and smiles, cracking the tab on a beer and handing it to his partner of sixteen years. Benson nods appreciatively then chugs till his heart’s content.)
BUCKLEY: Hellllllllllllo wrestling fans, I’m Bill Buckley along side “The Mastermind” Sammy Benson. And we’re live on New Year’s Eve from Greensboro, North Carolina!
BENSON: Eat your hearts out, New York, New Orleans, L.A., Paris, Kuwait. The close-out party of 2004 is right here! North Carolina’s third largest city!
BB: You promised you’d seem happy to be here, Sammy.
SB: Troy Windham’s the actor, Buckley. I’m just ready to see the end of ’04. If my mood tonight is wrong, I apologize.
BB: What’s wrong was your attitude towards Dick Clark’s stroke.
SB: This is America, Buckley. If you don’t turn one man’s misfortune into your own fortune, you have nothing. So, I put in an app to host the party. I knew it’d be rejected. Just like my dream of covering Amen corner at Augusta. I feel Margot Kidder’s pain.
BB: Do you want me to touch this one?
SB: (shrugs off Buckley) I’ve been typecast.
BB: And spent the last decade battling mental illness. Benson and Kidder. American’s Finest.
SB: Wasn’t she glorious on “Smallville” last year?
BB: You know...it was good to see her again.
SB: Exactly. Now, only if we can get Adrian Zmed working the world will be right.
BB: I’m sure it will.
SB: Hey, the man speaks Romanian as well as English! CROSS-OVER APPEAL!
BB: Fans, we’re here to celebrate thirteen years and five-hundred episodes of CSWA PRIMETIME. It’s been a wonderful ride.
SB: Well, hey, who cares if we’ve had to pay our way on television the past four years (BB: Stop) it shouldn’t diminish what we’ve accomplished. Bonanza set the bar, we’re just trying to reach it.
BB: Lovely. Sammy, there have been a lot of rumors, and you and I have both been instructed not to feed’em, but it’s been a genuine joy to worth with you and the men and women who have made this show possible over the years.
SB: We have women on the staff?
BB: Well said. We’re celebrating the past -- but this isn’t a clips show Sammy. We’ve got a loaded lineup!
SB: Guilty as charged. And I don’t feel ashamed in the least.
BB: Do you even know who’s on the show tonight?
SB: I heard talk of Mark Hamill, and/or Dakota Fanning joining us for the Main Event, but no...not really.
BB: Steve Radder returns to the ring, squaring off against Kevin Powers and Evan Aho!
SB: So the GXE tribute show is happening here? Kill two birds with one stone, I like it. Not the direction I personally would have gone in, but...
BB: You know...how bout we just surprise you throughout the night? How’s that?
SB: Will you? I’ve been begging for that since day one. You’ve seen the atrocities that have taken place on this show in thirteen years and you’re busting my chops for not memorizing the lineup. Please. The less I know the better.
BB: PRIMETIME 500 returns right after this, don’t you dare go away fans, the CSWA’s about to ring in the New Year in style.
SB: They’ve rescued the footage of Natalie Portman’s (bleep) off the “Closer” cutting room floor? Now THAT would be a surprise! (Benson beams)
BB: Oh geez...
(CUTTO: commercial from long-time CSWA sponsor Skittles, celebrating the rainbow and the 500th edition of PRIMETIME.)
(Backstage, Steve Radder sits in a stall, with no one around him. His head is bowed. He still wears the long-sleeved shirt he had on earlier, though he’s changing into a black pair of athletic pants with his boots, which are still unlaced. A crewman who looks like he's not yet able to legally enjoy a beer walks up to the former star.)
STAGEHAND: You're Steve Radder, aren't you? I used to love you. We used to talk about you so much ... we even got in trouble from Mrs. Wilmer on occasion.
(Radder looks up, puzzled.)
RADDER: Mrs. Wilmer? Trouble?
STAGEHAND: 9th grade mathematics. Anyway, good luck tonight. I'll be pulling for you. You know, for old times.
RADDER: Old times? Yeah. Thanks kid.
(The stagehand walks off, leaving Radder to himself. He shakes his head, and lets out a chuckle.)
RADDER: 9th grade. That's awesome.
(He begins working on getting his boots laced, tuning out everyone around him. It isn’t much of a task, seeing how, aside from the one stagehand, everyone else is ignoring him, either because they don't know who he is ... or don't care to talk to him.)
(CUTTO: Thomas’ office at CS Towers hours before PRIMETIME 500 is scheduled to begin. Thomas sits hunched over his desk disinterested in a stack of papers recklessly piled in front of him. Hortense, his wife of less than six months, comes strutting in from the office bathroom holding a Pink plus-size dress with yellow polka dots in her hands.)
H: Baby, look!
T: How long has it been since you’ve been able to fit in that?
H: Oh, hush! You know what it is?
T: There’s a wealth of answers here all begging to see the light of day.
H: The dress I wore at Fish Fund when the girls and I performed for the first time in CSWA history.
T: (puzzled) I thought that was lost in the fire...
H: I found it in the only corner of the Park that was left standing, untouched! Small miracle, but a miracle!
T: This company lost millions in that fire and you’re telling me the only thing that survived was a five dollar dress?
H: Sug, what’s wrong? Is it your IBS?
T: My bowels aren’t irritable!
H: Mmmm hmmm. I got a peaceful nights sleep that’ll beg to differ.
T: Why are you showing me this? We’re not doing a piece on Christmas miracles.
H: But...it’s a moment. The girls and I....
T: PRIMETIME moments...not Fish Fund Hortense.
H: Why you always gotta correct me?
(Thomas starts to get into it but stops.)
T: I’m sorry. I’m just a little stressed tonight.
H: If you’d have a doctor look at that...
H: We’ll talk about it when you’re ready.
T: (beat) I think it’s over. This company doesn’t have the money to run another show.
H: You can’t be serious.
T: Whatever came into this league went right back out. Merritt’s golden egg was production: spend well to look well. You’ve been here since the beginning baby, you’ve seen the expense reports.
H: Stephen, it can’t all be gone. Can it?
T: What I can get my hands on is. The good will between our business associates has expired. I had to tape a month’s worth of shows on a three-day cruise. I can’t pay anyone’s contract right now. The debts from how this company was run over the last two years have drained us. If I don’t shut it down there’s gonna be a hundred people lined up outside that oak door to sue my ass off.
H: You said...the money you could...
T: ...There is money. Merritt’s got it tied up in accounts I can’t get to. He was smarter than he looked. The CSWA can’t run without him.
H: Sug, call him and ask for help!
T: Right. Just pick up the phone to ring the man I had thrown out of the company.
H: Why not?
T: Merritt’s been dead to me since he set up my departure five years ago. I’ll let this business lie in its grave before turning to him. No, I’m afraid tonight’s the last night in the CSWA’s history.
(Hortense is in shock.)
H: Unless what?
T: The right person jumps ship...
BB: We’re back here in Merr—uh, CSWA Auditorium, and about ready to kick things off in the ring. But since tonight is a special celebration, we’ve got Rudy Seitzer on call to visit with some of the fans here tonight and find out about their favorite PRIMETIME memories. I understand he also caught up with returning superstar Steve Radder earlier.
(CUTTO: Earlier in the day. The camera shows Rudy Seitzer sitting in the ring along with Steve Radder, both on ringside chairs they’ve hijacked. Radder is clad in street clothes, a pair of jeans and black t-shirt.)
RADDER: Sure enough, there's been a lot of PRIMETIME moments for Steve Radder, and a lot of them happened what seems like ... ages ago.
Running with Eddy Love and Kevin Powers was always a good time ... until those little (bleep)es stuck a knife in my back. That's beside the point ... of the three of us left, only Powers is still in active competition ... and barely at that. He's just a few hours from being put out of his misery, anyway.
RADDER: You could say I'm fond of the time I was crowned CSWA World Champion ... that was surely a moment deserving of a "favorite moment" ... except for the fact that my title "run" was far from a "PRIMETIME moment". That's, of course, in the past, and what's in the past should stay there, or something. That's what I hear, at least.
(A smirk crosses Radder's face.)
RADDER: As much as Steve Radder enjoys hearing himself talk, it's time to get to the point. Gotta get back into the gym to shake off the rust so I can shake one off on Aho and Powers later on. The favorite PRIMETIME moment for Yours Truly is ... any always will be ... that first Top Contenders Match against The Worm. (Note: It happened at PRIMETIME in Seattle -- September 3, 1998.) Mark Vizzack, if you remember. Probably not ... poor kid's fragile psyche just seemed to be worn down enough for him to run off. Even though The Worm eventually found a soft spot with Steve Radder, that was a match for the ages ... so wherever you are, Vizzy, here's to you.
Triple Threat Match
Kevin Powers vs. Evan Aho vs. Steve Radder
BB: We just heard from returning CSWA superstar Steve Radder on his favorite PRIMETIME moment, and now we’re about to see him in action in this special Triple Threat match to kick off the in-ring activity here at PRIMETIME 500!
SB: Steve Radder…. Steve Radder…isn’t he the guy that Eddy Love kicked to the wayside… twice?
BB: Let’s take a quick look back at our last PRIMETIME that saw these three men mix it up.
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME in Freeport – October 31, 2004
Kevin Powers vs. Evan Aho – joined in progress)
BB: Powers is signaling to the crowd! He’s ready to set up for that massive slingshot powerbomb we all know as “Kiss the Canvas!” The crowd is going wild! He turns Aho over and puts him over his head!
(CUEUP: “Bulls on Parade” by Rage Against the Machine)
SB: What the…?
BB: Someone just came out of the crowd and rolled inside the ring! That’s STEVE RADDER! He clips Kevin Powers’ knee from behind and Powers and Aho goes crashing to the mat!!! Powers gets up… but Radder’s jumped to the top rope! ABSOLUTE ZERO!!! Steve Radder just dropped Powers and now he takes a powder before Evan Aho can respond!
SB: The one guy I like even less than Powers…blasted Canadian! Thomas will let anybody run around on this cruise ship!
BB: Radder left the CSWA almost two years ago after losing the CSWA World Championship and feuding with his former stable partner Kevin Powers. And now he’s back…and he just cost Powers a chance at redemption against Evan Aho
(CUTTO: A view of the entire Auditorium with spotlights criss-crossing the ring.)
BB: It’s time to send it down to Rhubarb Jones. Folks… this is PRIMETIME 500!!!
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, the first match of the evening is a special TRIPLE THREAT Elimination match. Competitors will be eliminated by pinfall, submission or disqualification until one remains.
(CUEUP: “Bulls on Parade” by Rage Against The Machine. The spotlights zoom from the ring to the entryway while colored light cans move across the entire framework of the entryway.)
First, hailing from New York, New York, standing at six feet three inches and two hundred twenty pounds, he is a former United States Champion…
(CUTTO: backstage. Steve Radder walks up to the stairs leading to the ramp which will take him to his first professional wrestling match in years. He is still wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt, though now it is one that is blue in color, with the number "12" on the left pectoral in sharp letters. He stops right behind the curtain, waiting for the music to begin. There's a momentary pause, while he takes yet another deep breath.)
RJ: …a former CSWA World Heavyweight Champion. He is the master of the Absolute Zero… and he is BACK. He is… STEVE RADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDERRRRRRRRR!!!!!
BB: This crowd is obviously psyched to have a favorite like Steve Radder back in the CSWA fold.
SB: I’m surprised he’s back… didn’t Powers run him off once already? I mean, he’s been gone for what, sixteen years?
BB: Stop it, Sammy. He’s returning to the ring after being away for about two years.
SB: Sorry. But around here, two years seems like about sixteen. Wait…that’s means I’ve been working here for like 170 years….
(CUEUP: “Control” by Puddle of Mudd. For a single instance the video wall reads "AHO" in simple, bold letters before flickering into black and white footage of Evan Aho tearing down opponents with stiff strikes, punishing throws and sick submission locks.)
RJ: Now entering the ring, the Seattle native is the CSWA’s own wrestling predator. Standing at six-feet-three inches and two hundred thirty-four pounds, he is known as one of our sport’s truest technical wrestler. He is a former CSWA World Champion…. EVANNNNNNNNNNN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(CUTTO: Aho whips aside the curtain and stalks to the the ring, seemingly oblivious to the fans reaching for high-fives as he makes his way down. In the ring, Radder pulls off his shirt and tosses it to the floor.)
RJ: Our final competitor in this match…
(CUEUP: “(Can’t You) Trip Like I Do” by Filter and the Crystal Method. The video wall shows a montage of images of Kevin Powers laying opponents down with the Kiss the Canvas.)
RJ: From Chicago, Illinois, entering the ring at six-feet-ten inches tall and three hundred twelve pounds… he is a former CSWA United States Champion, a former Unified World Tag Team Champion, and the AYATOLLAH of Rum and Cola… here is…. “GOOD GOD” KEVIN POWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSS!!!
(CUTTO: As the music continues to blare 'Good God' Kevin Powers make his way to the top of the rampway and is greeted by a huge pop by the crowd in attendance. Looking out into the crowd, Powers holds out his arms to make a 'T' pattern and, behind him, a white fountain like pyro goes off exciting the crowd even more. Once the fountain goes out Powers makes his way inside of the ring and continues to spark up the crowd by standing on the second turnbuckle looking out into the crowd.)
BB: The fans honestly like all three of these men, although I’m sure everyone in attendance has their favorite.
SB: Mine’s Eddy Love… wait… he’s not here!
BB: But the other two former members of the PLR are, and they’ve got enough history between them that there’s no love lost. Aho and Powers have had their run-ins in the ring as well, but Evan seems more focused on just getting down to business.
SB: Are we sure he isn’t on the Mike Randalls’ cocktail of mind-altering substances? The man just seems too single-minded. It’s like they keep in him in a blank room and just bring him out for matches.
(SFX: Bell rings)
BB: Ladies and gentlemen…this one is UNDERWAY!
SB: One day you’re NOT going to say that, and then Vegas will starting put odds on it.
BB: All three men react at once… Radder charging Powers, but getting caught with an elbow, while Aho comes in behind and hits a dropkick to the back of Radder that sends him careening BACK into Powers!!! Powers and Radder collapse in a heap, and Evan Aho has scored first blood here!
SB: First blood? Oh you don’t actually mean… hey wait a second, I think Radder’s already got a split lip! How’s that for ring rust?
BB: Powers literally throws Radder away from on top of him and into the corner, and now he and Aho are facing off. Powers charges…Aho sidesteps.. Powers off the ropes… NECKBREAKER by Aho!!! What a leap!!! And he takes the big man in the match off his feet! He quickly follows up with a roaring elbow… LOOK OUT!!!!
SB: HE’S INSANE!
BB: Radder just came off the top… HUGE SPLASH!!! Aho barely backed off or he would’ve gotten hit too! Instead…Powers takes the huge hit! Quick cover! One-count by senior referee Patrick Young. Radder’s up, Aho has backed into the corner, and Powers is still on the mat. Radder drops an elbow, but Powers smartly moves!
SB: Smart? Please. It’s the alcohol poisoning…it causes involuntary shakes.
BB: Either way, Powers moves to the ropes. DROPKICK by Aho sends Radder flying across the ring into the neural corner! Powers tries to take advantage, by Aho’s ready! SNAP SUPLEX! Both men up… Powers whips Aho into the ropes and sets up for a backdrop… ROLLTHROUGH by Aho! He catches Kevin from behind… he jumps on his back and hooks a full-nelson!!! Powers tries to force his way out, but Evan has it locked on tight!
SB: Poor Gulliver’s getting beat down by the Lilliputians.
BB: A literary reference? Yikes.. .what’s happened to you?
SB: I have to do something when I’m trying to stay on the AA bandwagon.
BB: Powers tries to pull Aho over his head… but there’s Radder!!! Dropkick from the second rope!!! He sends Powers rocketing back into corner, and Evan Aho just got squished!
SB: Is that the technical term for it? Squished?
BB: Powers charges out and levels Radder with a clothesline! Now he pulls him up and whips him across the ring toward the corner…and he collides with Aho!! Radder comes stumbling out… and walks into a TILT-A-WHIRL BACKBREAKER by Powers! Cover! ONE…. TWO… NO! Radder kicks out… and now Aho comes out of the corner with a boot to the face that sends Powers reeling!!!! That’s not a characteristic textbook move like we’re used to from Aho, but it was effective!!!! Radder to his feet…but Aho drops him with a DDT!!! Another cover! ONE…. TWO… NO! Again, Radder kicks out!!!
SB: He’s like a little bug that you can’t squish. See.. I can use the technical terms too!
BB: Radder rolls out of the way of an Aho elbow. Aho hits the mat, and now Powers is back in the fray! LEGDROP from the big man… but Radder’s right there and drops his own elbow onto Powers!!! This one is fast and furious, folks!
SB: And that’s not just a DVD plug!
BB: Radder back up… a boot to the back of Powers’ head as the big man tries to get up. Aho rolls under the fracas and is on his feet…he looks over at Radder…. Both men pull Powers to his feet and whip him across! DOUBLE DROPKICK!!!! Shades of CS Express!!! Powers tries to get up… DDT by Aho!!! Cover! ONE….. TWO…. NO!!!! Powers BENCHPRESSES Aho off of him and sends him out of the ring through the middle ropes!!! He quickly gets to a knee, but Radder is ready!
SB: Oh joy…
BB: Radder hooks in the full nelson..he’s trying to jack Powers up for it… I think he’s got it! Look out!!! ABSOLUTE ZERO!!!!!!!!!!!! He just dropped Powers with that face-first slam out of the full nelson! He hooks the leg! ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THREE!!!!!!! THREE!!!! THREE!!!! Steve Radder has pinned Kevin Powers… and he’s ecstatic!!! Kevin Powers has been ELIMINATED and he can’t believe it!!!!
SB: Maybe he thinks he’s still overseas in that movie Lionheart.
BB: Patrick Young is ordering Powers out of the ring, and Radder has jumped up onto one of the turnbuckles, celebrating with the fans!!!! But Evan Aho is still in this one, and he just rolled back in the ring!!! Aho charges the corner… and he’s climbing up behind Radder!!!! TOP ROPE BELLY TO BACK SUPLEX!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD!
SB: He just slammed HIMSELF to the mat!!!
BB: But he may have just knocked Radder unconscious when his head hit the mat!!!! Aho is groggy, but he’s trying to shake it off and cover Radder, who literally BOUNCED across the ring!!! He lays an arm over Radder! ONE…. TWO…. THREE!!! NO! NO! Radder got a leg on the ropes and Young saw it!!!
SB: Maybe Radder’s been drinking too.
BB: Aho pulls Radder to his feet and sends him into the ropes… but Radder stumbles and actually falls INTO the ropes! And that may have been lucky, because he dodges a backdrop from Aho! Instead, Evan pulls Radder out of the ropes… SNAP… NO! Radder hooked a foot under the ropes and dodged the snap suplex!!! Standing switch!!! Belly to back by Radder!! But Aho rolls through! ONE….. TWO… NO! Radder gets out, barely!
SB: He just won’t die, will he?
BB: Aho with a series of knife-edge chops, backing Radder into the corner! He sends him into the ropes one more time and goes for the backdrop again!!! Radder uses the ropes… LIONSAULT!!! Aho gets knocked down hard!!! Radder charges over the turnbuckle as Aho stumbles back up to his feet! Radder on top!!!!
SB: Make or break moment…let’s hope break. A bad one.
BB: TOP ROPE MISSILE DROPKICK!!!!! Radder climbs over and hooks the leg again! ONE! TWO! THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This crowd is on its feet as Steve Radder overcomes a two-year absence and ring rust to pin both Aho and Powers in the same match!!!! Folks, we’ll be right back here with CSWA PRIMETIME 500 on NCN!
(CUTTO: Billy Buckley, somewhere in the upper deck, surrounded by screaming fans.)
Billy Buckley: We’re back from commercial! I’m Billy Buckley, and here I am, in the midst of the heart and soul of the CSWA, the fans!
In recognition of this monumental night, PRIMETIME 500, Rudy Seitzer and myself are spreading out all over the arena to talk to the fans, to ask you what you think are the greatest moments in PRIMETIME history! Rudy, are you there?
(CUTTO: Rudy Seitzer, near the ring. He's standing next to a man of about thirty, wearing an old school AMERICA'S TEAM shirt.)
Seitzer: I hear you, Billy, and I'm here with Randall Preston, who has been a CSWA fan since the beginning! Randall, how are you today?
Preston: Doing great, Rudy. CSWA RULES!
(The fans around Preston and Seitzer cheer in agreement.)
Seitzer: And you have a PRIMETIME moment to share?
Preston: I picked GUNS and MJ Dean from 1997, before the World Title Tournament.
Preston: Why not? The match was good, and it featured one of the best bitch – sessions from the CSWA front office, ever. It’s pretty likely that if Merritt and Thomas hadn’t started feuding over which belt was the more important, the World or the Enterprise – Merritt wouldn’t have bought him out, Red wouldn’t have been stabbed, and a lot of things in this ‘modern era’ of the CSWA wouldn’t have taken place. PRIMETIME moment? It’s one of the DEFINING moments in the company.
(The fans around him discuss their approval of this choice, and a few applaud. Rudy nods his assent as well.)
Seitzer: That may be true… Fans, our first fan “PRIMETIME Moment” of the night, from March 11th, 1997… it’s GUNS against MJ Dean.
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME in Orlando -- March 11, 1997 -- match joined in progress
BB: I have no idea...must've been during the match. But Sammy's right, folks, Co-Commissioner Stephen Thomas has joined Merritt down at his ringside seat, and it doesn't look like the two are having a very pleasant conversation, in fact, it looks downright ugly.
SB: Don't talk about Thomas like that, Buckley. He is one of your bosses after all.
BB: And you'd do well to remember who yours is. Dean is finally on his way back into the ring, and GUNS helps him back in....by the hair. Marvin, let's see if we can get a microphone down there by the Commissioners.
SB: You'd eavesdrop on your own bosses?
BB: The public has a right to know what's going on, Sammy.
SB: The public doesn't have the right to know spit.
BB: Okay, well then *I* have a right to know what's going on.
SB: That's better. I mean, if you're gonna do it, at least admit the real motive.
BB: A lesson in morality is a bit stale coming from you, Sammy. MJ Dean is still down on one knee; referee Ben Worthington is almost halfway through his ten-count. GUNS may win this one by count-out. May be only fitting since Dean won the last by disqualification.
SB: For goodness' sakes, how long does it take that stupid Parsons to get a mic lowered over there?
BB: I'm being told in my earpiece that we've got it, let's take a listen folks.
SB: Yeah, nobody tell, Buckley might get fired.
Thomas: What the h*ll do you think you're doing?
Merritt: I don't know what you're talking about.
Thomas: Don't give me that. You know *exactly* what I'm talking about. You pitch a fit, start hiring and firing, make a mockery of the previous World Title, create your own "Franchise", and then bring back Hendricks to beat the tar out of Honold?
Merritt: And your point is....
Thomas: My point is that you've made a mockery out of....
Merritt: (standing up and getting in Thomas' face) Hold it right there, Tard. The only mockery around here is you....yeah, that's right, you. The same guy who was more concerned with his wallet than his responsibility. So don't get high-and-mighty with me.
BB: GUNS has rolled outside, and he's pulling Dean back into the ring.
SB: Hush, Buckley, hush! I can't hear the fight!
Thomas: I should knock you off your sad *ss right now.
Merritt: Go ahead and try it, Tard.
(Thomas pulls back his arm, cocks his fist...only to find it restrained by CSWA Vice-President Samuel "Sticky Goo Head" Hendricks)
SGH: (shaking finger) Uh uh uh, that's not very nice. (lets go of Thomas) Don't you know the golden rule? Do unto to others what they would do unto to you.
Thomas: I don't think that's it....
SGH: I didn't ask you what you thought...
BB: CSWA Board of Directors member Steve Day is running down to where a fracas seems to be beginning. Inside the ring, even GUNS has stopped to take a look at this fiasco! Dean is still down on the mat.
Day: Don't do it, Hendricks! Or I'll have your *ss on a platter so quick your head'll spin.
SGH: What're you saying, Day? You don't want me to hit your favorite boss?
Day: I'm saying I want you to get the h*ll outta here.
SGH: I got it...just one thing first. (nails Day with a hard right cross, Day folds like a cheap hooker)
Day: (falling) Guppy.......Fund?
BB: It looks like Thomas is making a rather ungraceful exit while he's still got a chance. I can't believe what we've just seen.
SB: Um, are they going to bring out help for Day or just let him lie there?
BB: It looks like Merritt is calling for security to escort him out. Hold on! MJ Dean just caught GUNS from behind and rolled him up!! ONE....TWO....NO! GUNS kicks out, and the man with the Strongest Arms In The World is furious.
SB: Wouldn't you be if you took a break in the middle of a match to watch a darn good fight and somebody decided to try and pin ya?
BB: Dean just got tossed halfway across the ring by those massive arms on GUNS, but he's up. He comes across with a flying body press, and hits!!!! He's got the cover! ONE....TWO....NO!! Again, GUNS throws him off like a rag doll....but Dean is up again!!! And again, Dean comes across, this time with a crossbody!!! But GUNS catches him!!! GUNS has the big man in his arms, and he powers Dean down on that bionic knee for a modified backbreaker! GUNS hooks the leg! ONE....TWO....THREE!!! Ben Worthington counts to three, and GUNS has got the win as both these men head into the CSWA World Championship Tournament.
SB: Um, once GUNS is done, Dean might not be going home, let alone to any tournament.
BB: Maybe not, because GUNS has Dean up and it looks like MJ is going to get his second trip to the third row.
SB: GUNS shoots.....it's up....it's good!
BB: That wasn't funny. It doesn't look like Dean's getting up after that one.
SB: What, no masked men? I'm disappointed that Hornet couldn't join us.
ByB: That's the first of our fan-favorite PRIMETIME moments for tonight. We'll be back with more, and the Greensboro Championship match NEXT!
There's Been A Change In Plans
(CUTTO: The CSWA Auditorium Presidential Suite, swept clear of anything Merritt-related. Current CSWA Commissioner Stephen Thomas sits in an executive leather chair, while former wrestler (and former America's favorite old fart before we found out he's really an evil, sick bastard) Mickey Benedict sits beside him holding an imaginary leash.)
THOMAS: I thought you said this was a sure thing?
BENEDICT: Don't get impatient, Stephen. You know the best is yet to come.
THOMAS: Assuming you set it up right.
BENEDICT: Set it up right? Me… the man who ran a con more elaborate than Winter's Warriors VI, more shocking than "CS Enterprises quits," more entertaining than Teri Melton's pregnancy?
THOMAS: We've got to get out from under his contract, one way or another.
BENEDICT: It's all in the plan. Just sit back and eat your pretzels.
THOMAS: (eating a pretzel) These pretzels… are making me thirsty! (beat) He’s here then?
BENEDICT: A doubting Thomas. You never had a problem with allowing Merritt to be the brains. Why me?
THOMAS: With you I work under the assumption you’re sharing with a mystery host. Answer me question, Benedict.
BENEDICT: The guest of honor is here.
THOMAS: (surprised) Didn’t think you could pull it off?
BENEDICT: Every man has his price. With him, it was a matter of making a lucrative bid.
THOMAS: Then we end the show with him. (presses a button on the desk intercom) Teri, let Melton and Southern know they’ve been bumped. Paul’s the Main Event now.
BENEDICT: Good boy.
(CUEUP: "Shapes of Things" by The Jeff Healy Band. The crowd pops as Jean Rabesque appears, dressed in his wrestling gear with the CSWA Greensboro Title over his shoulder. He smacks a couple hands on his way down to the ring, and then climbs slowly in through the ropes. He immediately grabs a microphone from announcer Rhubarb Jones.)
BB: The Greensboro Champion is in the ring! Rabesque has held that belt an awfully long time, and he was looking forward to defending it here tonight on our 500th edition of PRIMETIME! But we’ve been told that Scotty Michaels missed his flight!
SB: The man never was that smart. He worked for Thomas after all. Hey…wait a second…
(Rabesque grabs the mic, and walks to the middle of the ring, facing towards the entrance ramp)
JR: Now it has come to my attention that Scotty Michaels will not be attending tonight's show. (Crowd boos) I'm not exactly sure what the reasoning is, but be it that I am on a quest to defend this Greensboro title to any and all comers in efforts to prove once and for all that I am the rightful CSWA World Heavyweight Champion, that upsets me a bit.
I guess we can just add it to the list of times where I might have an opportunity to prove myself yet again, where the things have been set up to work against me. But I know all the CSWA fans here in attendance, and they didn't pay good money to not see a match, and if they want a match, then I'll give them exactly what they want to see!
You see, when you're the rightful World Champion, fear or intimidation are not things that go on inside of your head. There is no one on this roster that I fear. For that matter, there is no one on this roster that I think can beat me! So therefore, I'm opening it up, and I'm putting the Greensboro Title on the line! Anybody in the back, anybody at all that wants a shot, step up right now!!!
BB: Rabesque has put out an open challenge, which means that somebody’s going to get an unexpected opportunity tonight. We’ve got several CSWA stars here tonight who aren’t scheduled, they’re just here to celebrate. Hold on, we’re cutting to the back!
(CUTTO: a shot in the locker room of the Hip Hop Express, BOOGIE SMALLZ and INFERNO ICE, watching the show from a monitor.)
BS: How long we been in tha CSWA?
II: I dunno. Maybe 10 years.
BS: And how many times have we heard fools step up in tha ring and make open challenges?
II: Are you kidding? This is the CSWA…so damn-near every show.
BS: (Ponders a thought for a moment.) Ya know when Rudy was axskin' us what our favorite PRIMETIME moment was…we struggled to come up wit' an answer.
II: True. True.
BS: Well screw that. I'm making my favorite Primetime moment TONIGHT!
II: What are you sayin', yo?
BS: I ain't sayin' ish. You just sit back and watch what I do. I gotsta get mine.
(Boogie Smallz gets out of his seat and exits the room. The camera cuts to Inferno who is sitting in his chair, looking perplexed.)
(Cut back to Rabesque in the ring, still making the challenge.)
JR: Here you go, right now, anybody want a shot? Let's give these fans what they want to see, right here, right now!
(CUEUP: "Black Superman" by Above The Law begins to pump into the arena. The fans begin to stir in their seat. The music plays for a few more seconds and Boogie Smallz emerges from behind the curtain and walks to the top of the ramp. Some fans begin to cheer, others seem confused. Boogie pounds his fist into the air in a Black Panther-esque manner.)
BB: What on earth is going on? Is this the answer to Rabesque's challenge?
SB: God, I hope not. I'm surprised Boogie hasn't been found dead in some Amsterdam hotel, as much dope as that guy is on.
BB: Will you stop it, Sammy? This coming from a bonafide lush.
SB: Recovering bonafide lush that is.
BB: You are ridiculous.
(Boogie pulls a mic out of his back pocket and begins to speak.)
BS: Ya know, Rabesque, I honestly have nothing against you. I am out herre on principle. Tha simple fact that I have been with this company for so long…and yet I never got a big break. I realize that sometimes thangs ain't given to you…you gotta go out and take matters into your own hands. And that's what I am doin'. But it ain't all about me, either.
I am out herre for tha fans. (Crowd cheers.) Because tha fans deserve better than to see this company's top guys fight each other week in and week out. It's time to add some new blood into tha mix. And more important than that, it's time for Boogie Smallz to step up to tha industry's supposed big boyz and show these fools how I gets down.
I see you up therre with a big grin on your face. And that's cool, smile all ya want. Roll your eyes. Scrape tha dirt out from under your fingernails, just act as bored as you want. I want you to think I ain't ish. I want you to underestimate me. Cuz that way, when I beat yo' punk ass down…you won't know what tha hell hit ya!
(Crowd cheers and Boogie begins to walk down the ramp, still talking into the microphone.)
BS: So herre I am. Tha mafuggin' answer to your bitch-ass challenge. (Grins.) Tonight at tha biggest Primetime of them all, PRIMETIME FI-HUNDRED!
JR: Yeah, yeah. Boogie Smallz, I've heard of you. I've seen you a few times when I've had the opportunity to check out some of the lower card matches. But I don't think you've been paying too much attention to the way things have been running around here. In case you haven't noticed, the tide has begun to change, and a little ‘New Blood' has infiltrated...... you're looking at him. You were too busy smoking some hash to jump on your chance. You see Boogie, there are two types of wrestlers around here. The first are the punks like you who sit back and wait for their chance to come. Well, I have news for you Boogie, the chance NEVER comes. Then, there are men like me, who go out do something about it, and EARN EVERYTHING! Now, are you going to continue to stand here and waste my time..... or are you going to do something about it? Because to be honest, I don't have time for any charity cases!
(Boogie now on the ring apron.)
BS: Charity cases? It's not like a got a tripod in tha back with a bucket hangin' from it, while I'm standin' beside it ringin' a damn bell! I ain't no Salvation Army, son. But I will offer you some salvation. (Pauses.) When I put this foot up in ‘dat ass and save you from your ignorance! (Crowd cheers.) You wanna look down at me. Oh, poor lil' Boogie…wantin' a handout. Well I ain't some homeless bum off tha streets axskin' for change. Ya know, tha ones that you usually just walk by and ignore. No, sir.
(Steps into the ring and walks toward Rabesque.)
BS: I'm right in your face and I'm callin' you out!
(Smallz is in Rabesque's face. Jean just smiles.)
JR: So you honestly think you have what it takes to step into the ring with the greatest technical wrestler alive today?
(Boogie doesn't budge and stands his ground. After an intense staredown, Rabesque takes a step back and turns his back to Smallz.)
JR: This is pointless…...
(Boogie grabs Rabesque's arm and swings him around. Smallz throws a few punches, before flooring Rabesque with a big haymaker. Rabesque regains his senses and charges at Smallz. The two men start trading punches and a referee rings the bell.)
Jean Rabesque vs. Open Challenger
SB: The bell just rung, is this official?
BB: It appears that way. Boogie Smallz may be taking Rabeqsue out of his element… two very different wrestlers in this one. Boogie is one of the biggest brawlers in the sport. That is how he has led the Hip Hop Express to so much success.
(Rabesque gets in a good shot and Boogie begins staggering around. Boogie is hunched over and Rabesque sets him up for a snap suplex. Smallz is able to block it and retaliates with a swift kick to the groin. Rabesque loses his hold and begins rolling in pain on the mat.)
SB: I hardly call winning the tag titles a few times “success”.
BB: Boogie is taking it to Rabesque and making this impromptu match into a Pier 6er.
SB: A Pier 6er? Hey, I tried that drink once. I think it has absinthe in it. I started seeing things. I thought I was invincible.
BB: For a guy that thought Boogie would be found dead in a hotel room, maybe we should start worrying about you.
(Boogie stomps away at Rabesque and then lifts him to his feet. He whips Rabesque into the corner, but Rabesque counters and sends Boogie face first into the corner. Smallz bounces out and is greeted with a picture-perfect dropkick to the chin. Smallz hits the canvas hard and Rabesque gathers himself and takes a small breather.)
SB: Come on, Rabesque.
BB: I thought you hated Rabesque?
SB: I do, but I think I hate Boogie Smallz even more.
(Rabesque measures Smallz and drops an elbow across his throat. Rabesque sits Smallz up and clamps on a rear chinlock. Boogie reaches around to try and counter it, but to no avail. Rabesque releases the hold, bounces off the ropes, and levels Smallz with a flying clothesline. He then grabs Boogie’s arm and put on an armbar submission, in an attempt to wear him down.)
BB: Rabesque has been able to sway the momentum and make this his type of match. That methodical pace that has made him a star.
SB: Yeah, that and the fact that Boogie Smallz is proving why he has been in a tag team most of his career. He sucks. I bet he was wishing Inferno Ice was in the corner to make the tag.
BB: He very well may have picked the wrong man to battle, in an attempt to gain respect.
SB: He started off strong, but Rabesque is wearing him down.
(Rabesque releases the hold and lifts Boogie up to his feet. He delivers a snap suplex to the big man and then follows it up with a kneedrop to the skull.)
BB: Rabesque is shaking his head, is if to say “what is Smallz doing in the same ring as me?”
SB: He obviously has no business in there. Look at him flop around like an idiot. Rabesque is taking this kid to school. No gimmicks needed, baby.
(Rabesque stands Smallz up and forces him into a corner. He delivers several knife-edge chops to Boogie and then a disrespectful slap to the face.)
BB: Oh wow, he just slapped the taste out of Boogie’s mouth.
SB: He hit him so hard…I felt it!
(The slap somehow revitalizes Smallz and snaps him out of the predicament he was in. Smallz quickly reverses his position and tosses Rabesque into the corner. He throws a few knife-edge chops and then looks at his hand. He shakes his head, balls up his fists, and starts pummeling Jean Rabesque with vicious lefts and rights. Smallz throws in a few kicks to the gut for good measure and moves out of the way. Rabesque steps out of the corner and falls flat on his face.)
BB: Look at that! In an instant, the tide has turned once again.
SB: He didn’t like that slap to the face one bit and now the Rabesquedor is paying for it.
(Boogie, in a rage of anger, lifts Rabesque to his feet, whips him into the ropes, and catches him in a sidewalk slam. Smallz stands to his feet, measures Rabesque, and drops a knee to his skull.)
BB: Smallz is relentless. This man is pissed off and it’s showing.
SB: Maybe he should smoke up some ganja and calm his nerves. I knew he was a pothead, but a case of roid rage too? He must have a death wish.
BB: You and your accusations. One day someone is going to shut you up.
SB: The FCC? Those guys wouldn’t be in business if it wasn’t for me and Janet Jackson! They need me on this wall…they WANT me on this wall!
BB: Shut it!
(Smallz lifts Rabesque to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Rabesque wraps his arm around the top rope and prevents himself from bouncing off. Boogie charges at him with a vicious clothesline that sends both men over the top and to the floor. They both lay on the arena floor, attempting to gather their senses.)
BB: These men could be counted out right here.
SB: Oh come on! Haven’t we had enough countout and DQ matches in the first 499 episodes of PRIMETIME! For once, can’t we have a show without a cluster(BLEEP) ending!?
BB: Sammy, go take a shot or something.
SB: Take a shot? I got a bottle of Hennessey IVed to my veins. I’m good to go! It’s an endless shot, baby, and it feels good!
BB: The referee is up to 7. Boogie groggily gets to his feet and slides under the ring and back to the floor to break the count. Boogie lifts Rabesque up to his feet and instructs the cameraman to move out of the way. He whips Rabesque into the guardrail…NO! Rabesque reverses it and sends Boogie into the rail!
(Rabesque tries to regain his senses and slides under the ring, then back out, breaking up the count. He walks over to Boogie and drills him with a few European uppercuts. He wrenches around his waist and drops Boogie on the cement floor with a belly-to-back suplex.)
BB: That suplex seemed to take a lot out of Rabesque.
SB: He’s just setting Boogie up for the kill.
(Rabesque up to his feet and walks over to Smallz. He lifts him up and tosses him in the ring. Rabesque follows him in and immediately goes to work on Smallz. He hits him with a snapmare. Rabesque hops to his feet, comes off the ropes, and dropkicks Smallz.)
BB: Smallz is up, but Rabesque has him! FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX! And he bridges! ONE! TWO! THREEEEEE!!!!
SB: Foot on the rope!
(CUTTO: Boogie Smallz foot on the ropes just as the referee’s hand comes down for the three-count. Referee Ben Worthington’s eyes are glued on the shoulders, not on the feet.)
BB: The referee is raising Jean Rabesque’s arm, but now Boogie is in his face! Rabesque quickly pushes the big man away, and we’ve almost got a brawl on our hands… but Worthington forces himself between the two men! Jean Rabesque retains the Greensboro Championship, but we may not have heard the last of this one! Folks, we’ll be right back, after this PRIMETIME moment, and some commercials to pay the bills.
(CUTTO: Billy Buckley, leaning on the upper deck railing. Next to him is a man with a bandanna covering his hair, and an Eli Flair “WMD” shirt on.)
Billy Buckley: I’m here with Superfan Jeremy Powell, and another PRIMETIME moment! Jeremy, how long have you been a CSWA fan?
Powell: At least ten years, Billy.
Billy Buckley: And your PRIMETIME moment?
Powell: I thought about the biggest Triangle Match of all time, but realized that the match I really wanted to bring up was a bit more recent.
Billy Buckley: Which would be?
Powell: Randalls against GUNS against Windham against Love, from mid – 2002.
(Murmurs of conversation from off – camera.)
Billy Buckley: And… why did you choose the four – way instead of the three – way?
Powell: Simple. The triangle match was incredible. Everything a wrestling fan could want from three of the biggest stars of 1996. I picked the second match because of the fact that, adding Hurricane Eddy to the mix, those same three wrestlers still pulled off everything a wrestling fan could want… six years later.
Billy Buckley: Indeed. From April 10th, 2002… Mike Randalls vs. GUNS vs. Mark Windham vs. Eddy Love.
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME in San Diego -- April 10, 2002 – match joined in progress)
BB: RANDALLS HAS HANDCUFFS! He just HANDCUFFED GUNS to the BOTTOM ROPE OUTSIDE! On the inside, LOVE crushes Windham with a right hand! And now he's climbing up too! He's on top with Mark! Hooks in a Suplex position…he's got him UP…(CROWD EXPLODES!) HE JUST DROPPED HIM FROM THE TOP ROPE WITH A BRAINBUSTER! A TOP ROPE BRAINBUSTER BY LOVE! WINDHAM IS TWITCHING!
SB: IT'S OVER BUCKLEY! HAHA!
BB: RANDALLS HAS A CHAIR! (SFX: CHAIRSHOT!) HE JUST PLASTERED GUNS OVER THE HEAD! LOVE COVERS WINDHAM! ONE! TWO! THREEENOOOO! NO! NO! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! WINDHAM GOT A SHOULDER UP!
SB: That was the SLOWEST count I've EVER seen! First Juarez, NOW WORTHINGTON, is being PAID OFF!
BB: (SFX: CHAIRSHOT!) Randalls is CREAMING GUNS with that chair! He's busted him wide open! Love brings a practically unconscious Mark Windham up to his feet - hooks him and drives him down with an IMPLANT DDT! Randalls has dropped the chair FINALLY and security rushes in and are trying to pry GUNS loose! But he's been hurt badly now! LOVE MAKING A CUTTHROAT MOTION - HE'S GONNA END IT RIGHT HERE!
SB: A LIVING LEGEND ABOUT TO BE KILLED! THE LEGEND KILLER LIVES BABY!
BB: Love stuffs Windham between his legs we're gonna see the HURRICANE PILEDRIVER RIGHT HERE! RIGHT NOW! WAIT! WAIT! RANDALLS JUST ROLLED IN THE RING! HE'S GOT LOVE FROM BEHIND!
SB: NO! NO! NO!
BB: RANDALLS DROPS LOVE WITH A REVERSE DDT! Randalls picks up Love and OH! HIGH THRUST KICK ON THE JAW! LOVE IN A DAZE - WINDHAM HAS HIM! HE LOCKS HIM IN A CLAW! THIS PLACE IS GOING NUTS! WINDHAM LIFTS EDDY UP AND SLAMS HIM DOWN IN THAT CLAW! HE'S OUT OF IT! WINDHAM LETS GO AND HOOKS THE LEG!
SB: And NOW RANDALLS EXITS! THAT’S BULL(BLEEP!)
BB: ONE! TWO! THREEEEEEEE! WINDHAM GOT HIM! HE GOT HIM! RANDALLS is going BACK into his cloak, Sammy! (SFX: Repeated bell!) WINDHAM HAS WON THE MATCH! He's lying down SPENT! RANDALLS HAS ANOTHER SET OF HANDCUFFS! He looks over at Windham and pushes him out of the ring! RANDALLS picking up Eddy - AND HE JUST BLASTED HIM WITH THE HANDCUFFS!
SB: HASN'T HE DONE ENOUGH!?
BB: SWEET MELISSA rushing in the ring, but RANDALLS just pushed her away! RANDALLS GRABS EDDY AND HE'S HANDCUFFED HIM TO THE ROPES! NOW GUNS AND LOVE ARE HANDCUFFED! (CROWD buzzes and then ROARS! CUTTO: ELI FLAIR limping down the ramp!)
SB: WHAT IN THE HELL?
BB: ELI FLAIR IS COMING! Randalls rolling out of the ring, he's got a chair again and he runs at GUNS…security dives out of the way! (SFX: CHAIRSHOT!) HE JUST CROWNED HIM! He now throws the chair into the ring as Flair gets in there! Eli picks up the chair, looks at Sweet Melissa with a SICK GRIN! She's getting out of there and now making a beeline for the back!
SB: That bastard set EDDY UP!
BB: Flair measuring Love…(SFX: CHAIRSHOT!) OH HE JUST BLASTED HIM ACROSS THE
HEAD! WE NEED HELP!
SB: HELP? WE NEED THE FRIGGIN' POLICE!
BB: Randalls has a mic…
(CUTTO: RANDALLS right in GUNS' face…)
RANDALLS: Did you forget the way it's played, GUNS? An EYE for an EYE, a TOOTH for a TOOTH - ain't that the foundation we're ALL built on here? It must've been real nice all those weeks leading up to ANNIVERSARY. Knowing you wouldn't show until the end. Knowing that your first shot at me would be at my back. Laying me out, gloating over me like I was some big piece of flesh you just shot. Well, WELCOME BACK. NO MASK. NO MYSTERY. You wanna (BLEEP) me from behind? Two can play that game easy. There's a WAR going down, here. You're dangerously coming close to crossing that line. I suggest you walk away while we're even, 'cause if you choose to cross the path I'm walking… (RANDALLS taps GUNS' knee with a sadistic grin on his face) Chances are you're gonna fall to a place you can't climb out of…
(RANDALLS rolls in the ring as FLAIR crowns LOVE with another chairshot…)
RANDALLS: As for you, Ed. I have nothing, but this to say. You want to find my enemies? Well guess what pal? I CAN FIND YOURS TOO. (RANDALLS throws the mic out of the ring)
BB: I don't know what to say, Randalls has lost it again…
SB: He set Eddy up!
BB: Apparently 'cause Love did the same…Mark Windham is climbing back in the ring - AND WHOA! (CROWD EXPLODES!) HE JUST SPEARED FLAIR! HE'S ALL OVER HIM! RANDALLS PULLS HIM OFF, BUT MARK BLASTS HIM WITH A RIGHT HAND! WINDHAM BACK ON FLAIR! AND RANDALLS JUST TACKLED WINDHAM AND THEY FELL OUT OF THE RING! WINDHAM AND RANDALLS ARE HAVING A DONNEYBROOK in the aisle! HERE COMES THE CALVARY! SECURITY! THE LOCKER ROOM! SWEET MELISSA SHOUTING AT THEM ALL! They're separating RANDALLS and WINDHAM! WINDHAM IS LIVID! FLAIR now pushes down WINDHAM and THEY'RE BRAWLING! Cut to commercial?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?
ByB: But yes, Dad, we actually do have to cut to commercial...almost three years later. Folks, when we come back, another PRIMETIME Moment, and the match for the CSWA World Title!!!
Um... Did Somebody Tell Him?
(CUTTO: The bathroom in Joey Melton’s locker room. Melton barely visible through the steam has his face a foot from the mirror admiring the extension he’s offered to his pores. Skin care has it’s own rewards, more immediate and lasting than a title run. What Melton’s done for himself has a longer shelf life than a five-star match on a prebooked Cruise. If only the gold plated World title he was given as a lifetime achievement award back in the summer boasted as immaculate of an appearance as the skin on Melton’s face. Maybe then, he’d show it more love than a set of car keys. Where was the last place he saw the title?)
MELTON: Adrian...we might have a problem.
LITTLE VOLTRON: It’s Hollywood, Joey. They could give a damn about the collective geek opinion. Jessica Alba sells. End of story.
(Joey exhaustedly bows his head then steps out of the bathroom, moist, and wearing a Hyatt Hotel towel around his waist.)
MELTON: She’s barely twenty! A woman who looks all of eighteen shouldn’t be portraying Sue Storm on the silver screen. You know this Adrian.
LITTLE VOLTRON: Remember your viewing of “Willow” last week? Sure you do. I’m still listening to you b*tch about the special effects. What would you rather have, Melton...a twenty-million budgeted appropriately cast Fantastic Four movie, or one hundred and fifty million with some semblance of a safety net by the studio to rake some of that cash back in?
MELTON Well, the opportunistic 150 of course, but what? Renee Zegweller said no? You know she didn’t. They didn’t ask, Adrian. God forbid we have a good-looking woman in her thirties play a role that’s not self-depreciating, and is mass released.
(The door to Melton’s locker room opens, and two men step through.)
MELTON: If you can’t cast the parts honorably, why should I acknowledge the project with any ounce of hope, or anticipation?
BENEDICT: Defiance at it’s best. Charming Melton.
(Melton and Evans turn their attention to the two men, Mickey Benedict and Timmy Windham, standing just inside their doorway.)
MELTON: The ghost of Christmas past. Thought you were just a rumor.
BENEDICT: A surprise I’m sure. Brevity here is the salvation of us all. You’re being bumped Melton.
MELTON: I’m sorry?
BENEDICT: Paul’s the Main Event now. You’re on in ten minutes.
MELTON: What the heck are you talking about Grim? I’m on in forty-five minutes. It’s on the marquee, you ass. Saw it I’m sure as you crawled in here.
(Timmy takes a switchblade out of his jeans pocket and carelessly flips the blade in and out.)
MELTON: You going to cut me? Get this clown out of here, Benedict. Before he hurts himself.
BENEDICT: Melton, the thread you’re hanging on to can be lessened anytime. Bear that in mind.
MELTON: Kiss my butt, and the midget’s too.
LITTLE VOLTRON: Please, baby.
MELTON: I’m Joey Melton! I made this place! Brick by brick...
BENEDICT: This isn’t a promo, you idiot. It’s a business meeting. And the message is: you’re not important to anyone around here but yourself anymore. (looks at watch) Eight minutes.
(Benedict leaves as Timmy follows behind him, knifing the door as he exits.)
MELTON: Freaks. Whatever happened to this place keeping a sense of normalcy? Evans answer me that...
LITTLE VOLTRON: Gone to the dogs.... (shakes head) Alright, I’m off to get in costume.
MELTON: Adrian, you’re not going with me tonight...
LITTLE VOLTRON: I know....
MELTON: Geez. I gotta get a real job. (beat) Bumped. Freakin’ Hornet. Screwed on the first shows and now the end. (sighs)
(CUTTO: Rudy Seitzer in the skybox.)
Seitzer: I’m here with the man who brought us all here… CSWA Co – Founder and Commissioner, Stephen Thomas!
(Rudy looks off – camera, and swallows hard.)
Allow me to elaborate. I’m here with the man who pays for all of our respective lives, the owner, founder, and life blood of the CSWA, Stephen Thomas.
(Thomas steps into view, waving to the camera.)
Thomas: Thank you, Rudy… you’re too kind.
(Even from here, the reaction from the fans could be heard. Thomas turned his back on the camera, faced the fans, and gave a royal wave.)
Seitzer: I understand… you have a PRIMETIME moment to share?
Thomas: Indeed I do, my son… indeed I do. The Day the Music Died.
(Rudy looked puzzled.)
Seitzer: Come again?
Thomas: December 20th, 1995. When eighteen midgets were banished forever from the CSWA.
Seitzer: Sir… that was SHOWTIME, not PRIMETIME.
(The look in his eyes said everything that needed to be.)
Thomas: Oh, and Gethard? I know you’ve got an ear into this feed. Go down there, find Randall Preston, and escort him off my property.
(Rudy laughed and shook his head.)
Seitzer: Fans, here’s the twenty – midget, under the top rope Battle Royal from December 20th, 1995.
(As Thomas turned his back, Rudy rolled his eyes and headed the other way.)
(CUTTO: CSWA SHOWTIME in Chicago -- December 20, 1995 – sadly, it's the whole thing, on Thomas's orders.)
BUCKLEY: Let's go up to Rhubarb Jones for the introductions of the combatants in this match!
RHUBARB: Ladies and gentlemen, it is now time for the 20 Midget Under the Top Rope Battle Royal! (Crowd roars.) A participant may be eliminated if he leaves the ring UNDER the top rope in any way, and both feet touch the arena floor. If he goes over the top rope, he is still in the match. The winner of this match will be allowed to remain in the CSWA, while all other midgets will be banned! Now here are the midgets! First, making his way to the ring, THE DISCO MIDGET!
("Stayin' Alive" plays over the PA and a disco ball lowers from the roof of the United Center as the Disco Midget dances to the ring.)
BENSON: I thought Boogie Man and Inferno were bad, but this is much much worse. This guy combines two of the things I hate the most: Midgets and Disco! Where's my antacid?
RHUBARB: Next, making a special appearance from FantasyLand, here are Dopey, Happy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, and Doc...THE SEVEN DWARVES!!
(The crowd cheers as the Seven Dwarves walk to the ring.)
BENSON: Surely you can't be serious...
BUCKLEY: I am serious, and don't call me "Shirley."
RHUBARB: Next, from the Foxwood Indian Reservation in Connecticut, here is CHIEF JAY TINYFEATHER!! (War drums play as Tiny Feather does a war dance down the aisle and climbs into the ring.) Introducing next, from Sicily, here is LITTLE ITALY!! (Theme to the Godfather plays as Little Italy walks down the aisle.) From Mexico, here is THE MEXICAN MIDGET!! (No music plays as the Mexican Midget walks slowly down the aisle, completely covered in a black cloak and stops and stands in the corner, not entering the ring.)
BUCKLEY: That Mexican Midget is very strange. We still haven't seen his face, and now he won't get in the ring.
BENSON: Look at some of the freaks in there for goodness sakes! You've got a Disco Midget, Seven Dwarves, a mini mobster, and an idiot wearing war paint. And you're calling someone who doesn't want to go in there with them strange?
RHUBARB: "Next, here are Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello...THE TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA MIDGETS!" (Crowd boos as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets walk down the aisle, still arguing and yelling at each other.)
BENSON: These are the four guys that turned on Mad Mike at War Games, and they're the same guys that beat up Billy Buckley in the back, but there seems to be a lot of dissention in the ranks!
RHUBARB: "And last, but certainly not least, being accompanied to the ring by Stan Parsons, here are THE MIGHTY MORPHIN MIDGETS! (The crowd goes wild as the Mighty Morphin Midgets run to the ring.)
BUCKLEY: They're all in the ring now, except for the Mexican Midget, who has yet to remove his cloak and is just standing on the arena floor. And look who's come to join as at the broadcast table. Welcome, Stan!
PARSONS: It's good to be here, Bill, even if HE'S here.
BENSON: Yeah, I'm real thrilled to be sitting next to you, Parsons. I see the Red Midget is back in action. I guess that puts you out of a job. And what are you gonna do when all your little buddies are out of the CSWA after tonight? I think you should go with 'em!
BUCKLEY: The bell rings and this midget battle royal is underway! It's chaos in that ring right now! This one will be really hard to call! The Disco Midget has found his first target, and he is the Red Midget! This is Red's return to the CSWA following the savage beating he took at Fish Fund, and his injuries might not be totally healed!
PARSONS: They're not, Bill, but he wanted to be in this one with his buddies, and he wants to increase the probability of Might Morphin Midget Mania sticking around in the CSWA.
BUCKLEY: Chief Jay Tiny Feather is going at it with Happy! He catches Happy with a big tomahawk chop to the chest!
BENSON: Big tomahawk chop, Buckley? Please. Look at Little Italy take it to Sleepy! I think that stupid Dwarf actually fell asleep in the ring, and Little Italy sure woke him up with a hard right hand that would make Rocky proud!
PARSONS: Bashful is standing in the corner, not wanting to get into the action! Meanwhile the Mighty Morphin Midgets and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets are going at it right in the center of the ring! These two teams don't like each other, even after they combined to beat up on Mad Mike!
BENSON: Look at Dopey! Instead of getting in the action, he's standing by the ropes making faces at the Mexican Midget, who is still on the outside! Hold up! The Mexican Midget just pulled his arm out of the cloak, grabbed Dopey by the throat, pulled him to the outside, and now...whoa! That's a pretty big midget!
BUCKLEY: That's no Midget, Sammy! He's taken of his cloak, and oh no! It's El Nino! El Nino with a chokeslam on Dopey on the concrete floor! We haven't seen El Nino since Under New Ownership, when he was locked in a warehouse with you, Sammy...
BENSON: Great. Just when I stopped having nightmares, he shows up again! I hate these midgets!
BUCKLEY: El Nino is in the ring now, and I guess he's managed to trick his way into being a participant in this battle royal! The Seven Dwarves are not happy with his treatment of Dopey! Doc and Grumpy go after him, but El Nino catches each of them with a kick to the head! Sneezy over, and oh my! He just let out a huge sneeze, and caught El Nino is the face with some snot!
BENSON: I think that just made him mad, Buckley! He grabs Sneezy and throws him through the ropes and onto the floor! That's two midgets eliminated!
BUCKLEY: Now El Nino takes Doc and eliminates him as well! Grumpy jumps on the back of El Nino! He's got him in a sleeper hold! No! El Nino easily broke it and tossed Grumpy over his shoulder! Now a big legdrop by El Nino, and he rolls Grumpy under the bottom rope and eliminates him as well!
PARSONS: I don't like this, Bill. I don't like this one bit!
BUCKLEY: Me either, Stan. Now El Nino charges into the corner after Bashful! No! Bashful got out of the way and El Nino hit his shoulder hard against the post! He's irate now! He grabs a hold of Bashful, and oh no!
BENSON: He bashed Bashful, all right! He rammed him headfirst into the ringpost, putting his head right between the second and top turnbuckles! Bashful is bleeding profusely, and now El Nino dumps him out of the ring! This midget battle royal isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be! I'm actually starting to enjoy this!
BUCKLEY: You would enjoy this carnage, wouldn't you? Now Happy is organizing some of the other midgets. He's talking to Tiny Feather and Little Italy, and now they have surrounded El Nino, one midget on every side!
PARSONS: This is an interesting strategy, Bill. If he goes after one, three are gonna jump on his back! The midgets are cooperating in there because they know if they don't get the big guy out, they're all going down!
BUCKLEY: That's about right! El Nino grabs a hold of Happy, and Chief Jay Tiny Feather hammers El Nino in the back with a chop! Little Italy didn't jump in to help, and Sleepy fell asleep! Oh my! Italy just grabbed Sleepy and throws him over the middle rope and eliminated him!
BENSON: Never trust a mobster, Buckley! Now Little Italy just watching and laughing as El Nino has Happy by the throat in one hand and Tiny Feather by the throat in the other! He just chokeslammed both of them! Ha ha ha!
BUCKLEY: Look at Little Italy now! He's negotiating with El Nino!
PARSONS: This is a stupid move! El Nino certainly doesn't need him! Nino walks over to him and offers to shake his hand! Italy shakes the hand, and oh no! Shortarm clothesline by El Nino!
BENSON: Short arm!! That's hilarious, Parsons! There's hope for you yet!
BUCKLEY: El Nino just delivered a piledriver to Little Italy! He is just going through these midgets like a hot knife through butter! Meanwhile, the Mighty Morphin Midgets are still going at it with the Ninja Midgets, and the Disco Midget is trying to get the Red Midget over the second rope! The White Midget just DDT'd Leonardo, and now he runs over to make the save with a blow to the back of the Disco Midget! Leonardo is back to his feet! Donatello is holding the Orange Midget up! Leonardo with a spin kick! No! The Orange Midget ducked and Leonardo hit Donatello! Donatello is irate, and he goes after Leonardo!
PARSONS: Now Raphael and Michelangelo jump in! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets are going after each other now! This is ridiculous!
BENSON: This whole MATCH is ridiculous, Parsons!
BUCKLEY: Leonardo just dumped Donatello over the middle rope and onto the floor! Michelangelo and Raphael catch him with a double clothesline that sends him out of the ring and onto the floor! And now Raphael and Michelangelo are going toe to toe! The Blue Midget and the Green Midget walk over, and oh my! They caught both Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets square in the jaw with dropkicks, and knocked them through the ropes and to the floor! The Teenage Mutant Ninja Midgets have all been eliminated, and now they are brawling with each other all the way back to the locker room!
BENSON: While that nonsense was going on, El Nino has eliminated Little Italy, Happy, and Chief Tiny Feather! That brings the total number of midgets eliminated by El Nino up to eight!
BUCKLEY: We're down to the 5 Mighty Morphin Midgets, the Disco Midget, and El Nino! The Red Midget and the White Midget are trying to eliminate the Disco Midget, and now the other three Mighty Morphin Midgets set themselves to go up against El Nino! The Blue Midget tries a dropkick, but El Nino swats him away like a bug! However, this opens it up for the Green and Orange Midgets each to clip him in a knee, and they have El Nino down on the canvas, and they are putting the boots to him!
PARSONS: Go Go Morphin Midgets!
BENSON: Shut up!
BUCKLEY: Meanwhile, the Red Midget and the White Midget have Disco over the second rope and now he's just hanging onto the ropes, standing on the apron as the two Mighty Morphin Midgets go to work on him! Red catches him with a dropkick that sends him to the floor, and he landed right on top of Dopey, who is still laying injured at ringside!
PARSONS: Now Red and White join in the attack on El Nino, and they continue to kick away at him! This was the man responsible for putting Red in the hospital originally!
BUCKLEY: Uh oh! El Nino just grabbed the Orange Midget's foot and tripped him to the canvas! He does the same to the Green Midget! Now El Nino is up to his knees! The Blue and White Midgets go for a double DDT, but no! El Nino is back to his feet and he's got the two midgets in the air, and oh my! He just delivered a double sidewalk slam! And now he catches the Red Midget with a vicious kick to the head! Red goes down like a ton of bricks!
BENSON: Now THIS is more like it!
BUCKLEY: Nino has Green and Orange, and oh my! A vicious double noggin knocker! You could hear the sound of their heads cracking together!
BENSON: And oh, what a sweet sound it was!
PARSONS: This isn't a laughing matter, Sammy. The five Mighty Morphin Midgets are all down in the ring. Now Nino kicks Green and Orange under the bottom rope and onto the floor!
BENSON: Hey, I just noticed that if El Nino wins this thing, then ALL midgets will be gone from the CSWA! What a merry Christmas it's turning out to be!
BUCKLEY: Will you stop! El Nino now picks up the Blue Midget and sets him up against the ropes, and oh my! A vicious boot to the face sends Blue over the second rope and onto the floor! This is horrible! Now he picks up the White Midget and whips him off the ropes and catches him with a dropkick to the face that sends him flying out of the ring! You know, Sammy and Stan, I just noticed something. The Disco Midget has not left ringside yet, and he's standing on the lifeless carcass of Dopey! I don't think his feet have touched the floor yet! He might still be in this thing!
BENSON: Well, after El Nino finishes off the Red Midget,I'll be sure to tell him!
BUCKLEY: Now El Nino picks the Red Midget up to his feet, and he's slapping him in the face a few times for good measure! He's torturing him! This is disgusting! He just delivered a hard chokeslam!
PARSONS: Just eliminate him already! There's no reason for this! This match should be stopped before Red gets killed!
BENSON: This match should have been stopped long before it began, but there's no turning back now, Parsons!
BUCKLEY: El Nino is taking great pleasure out of beating on the Red Midget, but he just made some sort of signal! He's ready to eliminate the Red Midget! He whips him off the ropes, catches him and throws him OVER the top rope! The Red Midget hit the floor hard, but he's still in this thing! El Nino thinks he's won it, but there are two midgets still left in this thing...Wait a second! Look what's coming down the aisle!
BENSON: It's....it's a sleigh being pulled by reindeer, and the lead one has got a shiny red nose! That's Santa Claus coming down the aisle! What's going on, Buckley?
BUCKLEY: I have no idea, Sammy. Santa calls the Red Midget over and pulls something out of his bag. He just gave the Red Midget a Christmas present.
BENSON: Open it, munchkin! I want to see what it is!
PARSONS: Red rips the paper off, and it's a Fozzie Bear doll! Santa just winked at the Red Midget! I think I know what's going on here!
BUCKLEY: Red rolls back into the ring with that Fozzie Doll! El Nino just turned around and saw him, and oh my! Red Midget just sprayed the flaming goo from the Fozzie Doll into the chest of El Nino!
BENSON: I don't believe this! El Nino staggers over to the ropes and he is howling in pain! I've felt that goo, and trust me...it hurts!
BUCKLEY: True...the last time I heard screams like that was at Under New Ownership when we left you in that warehouse with El Nino! El Nino is leaning on the ropes in a great deal of pain! The other Mighty Morphin Midgets run over, and they grab onto El Nino, and they've pulled him through the ropes and down to the arena floor! El Nino has been eliminated!
BENSON: No! No! No! This can't be happening! Santa Claus has ruined my chances for a happy holiday this year!
BUCKLEY: El Nino is irate and he chases the other four Mighty Morphin Midgets around the ring! They've jumped into Santa's sleigh! Santa Claus just pulled a stocking out of his bag and handed it to El Nino! El Nino looks inside, and Santa's sleigh heads back up the aisle and away from ringside! El Nino reaches in the stocking and pulls out...
PARSONS: A LUMP OF COAL! I love it! El Nino hasn't been a very good boy this year! He's outraged, and he's chasing after Santa, but I think he's taken the four other Mighty Morphin Midgets back to the North Pole with him. I think he just got four more elves to help him out this Christmas!
BENSON: Bah humbug!
BUCKLEY: We still have a match going on here! The Red Midget is now celebrating in the ring as if he has won it! He doesn't know that the Disco Midget is still alive in this matchup!
PARSONS: Disco rolls back into the ring. Look out Red!
BUCKLEY: The Disco Midget just jumped the Red Midget from behind, and now he's putting the boots to him! The Red Midget has taken quite a beating in this match, and remember that he was injured coming in! I don't know how much punishment the Red Midget will be able to take at the hands of the Disco Midget, who has been resting on the outside!
PARSONS: You're right, Bill. Red is a tough little guy for even stepping in that ring tonight, but he's been on the shelf for almost five months, and he's taken a severe beating tonight!
BENSON: Stop crying about it, you two! It's a part of the game! Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass who wins this one.
BUCKLEY: Thanks for the insight, Sammy. The Disco Midget picks Red up to his feet and catches him with a forearm to the temple. Another forearm smash by the Disco Midget. He sets the Red Midget up...DDT! And now look at him dance!
BENSON: I'd rather not...I'm out of Tums.
BUCKLEY: The Disco Midget now picks Red Midget back up, and he delivers a power bomb! Now Disco runs off the ropes and drops an elbow on him! And once again, the Disco Midget takes the time to dance instead of trying to eliminate the Red Midget!
PARSONS: Red is back up to his feet, but Disco stays right on him. He sets him up for a piledriver...no! Red blocked it and caught him with a back body drop! Disco gets to his feet, but he's caught with a swinging neckbreaker by the Red Midget!
BUCKLEY: What unbelievable resiliency and courage! Red Midget is showing the heart of a champion tonight!
BENSON: Please, Buckley, This is a midget battle royal, not a UNIFIED title match for chrissakes! Quit being so overly dramatic!
BUCKLEY: The Red Midget now has Disco near the ropes and he's trying to get him over the second rope, but Disco responds with an elbow to the face! Now a rake of the eyes by the Disco Midget! He climbs to the second rope and comes down with an axhandle...no! Red caught him with a punch to the breadbasket! A flying dropkick to the kisser by the Red Midget! Now he charges in for a clothesline! He nailed it, and oh my! Both the Red Midget and the Disco Midget went over the second rope and onto the floor!
BENSON: Yes! Yes! Yes! They're both gone! There won't be ANY midgets left in the CSWA!
RHUBARB: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have conferred with Co-Commissioner Stephen Thomas, and he has informed me that since the Red Midget and the Disco Midget both went under the top rope at the same time...they are both WINNERS, and may both remain in the CSWA!!"
BENSON: No! No! No! I think some of that poop must have clogged Thomas' brain! Boogie Man and Disco Inferno are out here to celebrate with the Disco Midget! I'm gonna throw up!
RUDY: Let's send it back to the arena floor, where Bill and Sammy are ready to call the World Title match!
DOUBLE MAIN EVENT
CSWA World Heavyweight Championship
Joey Melton vs. Shane Southern
(CUTTO: Bill Buckley and Sammy Benson.)
BB: The countdown to 2005 is on, but the wait for PRIMETIME 500’s Double Main Event is over!
SB: Oh, very nice work.
BB: Thank you. Joey Melton seconds away from putting the CSWA World Heavyweight Title on the line against Shane Southern! We’ve discussed how Joey was awarded the belt endlessly...
SB: Awarded? The man won it fair and square. Thomas knew if he didn’t strip Ryan and put the belt on Joey, Senator John McCain would have done it for him. The writing was on the wall, Thomas chose to be proactive.
SB: I detect a tone Buckley.
BB: You should! Dan Ryan’s a class act in this sport, and what Thomas has done is deplorable. He’s set out to ruin a reputation. Nothing you can say right now would be justification.
SB: I don’t have to justify it! Actions speak louder than words! Melton’s been a fighting champion! At forty-one, his title reign this year has lasted longer than his first, nearly seventeen years ago.
BB: I’m not hearing this.
SB: Search your heart Buckley you know it to be true.
BB: Quiet fool. Tonight Shane Southern has yet another shot at winning the CSWA World. Over the past two years he’s been as close as humanly possible to winning this title! Southern was so close at CSWA15 to defeating Day Ryan and walking out with the belt!
(CUTTO: CSWA ANNIVERSARY 2004: CSWA15 -- March 28, 2004)
(ON – Fans nudging one another, holding their heads in disbelief.)
CM: Southern’s tried everything but an Oklahoma roll. If that neck had taken another hit...
BB: It would have been Goodnight Gracie. Shane, he’s past the point of belaboring close pins...has Ryan in the corner...KNIFE EDGE CHOPS!! Goodness those just vibrate across the Auditorium!! Ryan reverses, he’s had enough, KNIFE EDGE CHOPS ON HIS OWN!!
CM: Okay hit me Bill.
BB: Ryan with a burst of energy throws Shane Southern into the opposite turnbuckle, SHANE FLIPS UP AND HE’S STUCK, SITTING ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!
(Ryan stalks Shane down.)
BB: Ryan to the top himself...TR GERMAN SUPLEX!!! Man alive!
(Worthington covers, he knows it’s coming before hand.)
CM: I’ll count Bill, for a change of luck, ONE......TWO....THR-SHANE’S OUT! (pause) Baby!
BB: Ryan...drags Shane up....DDT! DDT!
CM: One more time Bill, it’s a free PPV for crying out loud.
BB: The Champ doesn’t pin, it might be a wasted effort anyway, neither man is going to lose tonight, someone is going to win, but at this stage, as Ryan goes to the top rope again, is that even possible?
CM: It has to be, cause I didn’t pay for a fourth hour of coverage.
BB: Ryan off the ropes and he FINDS THE ROOF OF THE CAGE, JUST LIKE SOUTHERN! (Ryan pulls his legs up for momentum) THREE-HUNDRED AND SIXTY DEGREE SPLASH, but SOUTHERN MOVES!
(Fans jumping in their seats.)
BB: Southern moves and Ryan cracks his head against the mat. Southern rushes Ryan to his feet, positions him...POWERBOMB! POWERBOMB!!
(Shane still has a hold of Ryan’s legs.)
CM: BRIDGE PIN!! NICE!!
(As his feet hit the mat, Shane slips a bit, losing one hand of the bridge.)
BB: (Worthington leaps into the air, flashbulbs go off, and he slides into position.) Southern for the World Title, ONE...................TWO......(Merritt Auditorium counting.) THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
CM: I don’t believe it...
BB: WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION! NEW CHAMPION! NEW CHAMPION! SHANE SOUTHERN HAS WON THE WORLD TITLE, and these fans are going crazy!!
(There’s bedlam in the old warehouse.)
CM: Southern’s collapsed in the ropes...he’s the World Champion and he’s overcome with emotion! Man tears! Let’s see them Shane!
(Ryan has remained very calm.)
(He feels even better as Worthington hands him the World Title.)
RHUBARB JONES: Ladies and Gentleman the winner of the match and STILL CSWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, ‘THE EGO BUSTER’ DAN RYAN!!!
(Ryan slides out of the ring as the cage raises. He turns to a shocked Southern and points to his head, smiles and walks back up the aisle to a mixture of cheers and boos.)
CM: (Talking to Worthington off camera) Okay. Bill Ben just informed me...Southern took the pinfall.)
(CUEUP: FULL SCREEN – VIDEO REPLAY – The powerbomb. Southern with the bridge. Worthington counts, ONE.....TWO.....both of Southern’s shoulders are on the mat. A half second before Ben hits THREE, Ryan lifts his left shoulder up.)
(Fans after viewing the CSWAvision groan.)
BB: Southern’s shoulders were down! Good gracious! He’s in a state of shock. I want to say it’s highway robbery, but it was a great call...and even better move by Dan Ryan.
CM: I told you he wouldn’t lose it tonight. Southern... you have to feel bad for him. He was there he had it.
(Southern kicks at the ropes, hands around his head. As Worthington tries to console him, Shane drops Ben with a right hook, much to the delight of Merritt Auditorium.)
BB: One of the best matches I’ve seen in my CSWA tenure, Sammy, part of me still can’t believe Southern didn’t walk out with the title that night.
SB: Probably the same part that’s in denial about Billy’s drug problem. Are we going to show every other time the man’s come close in the past two years? You stated nearly an hour ago it wasn’t a clips show. The fact of the matter is Buckley, Southern’s a choke artist. He doesn’t deserve the CSWA World title, or any other. We’ve seen the best of Shane Southern and it wasn’t much.
BB: Marvin if you’ll be so kind as to scroll the Benson disclaimer across the bottom of the screen...
SB: Shush. Why is this man still getting chances? He’s run through more World title shots than...than....
BB: Than what?
SB: I lost it.
BB: Oh come on, you’re getting paid to make funnies, and you LOST IT? RIGHT BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT?
SB: I choked.
BB: I was worried for a spill there.
SB: The great ones come through Buckley, remember that. There’s a reason McCain and Thomas turned to Melton in the league’s, in all of sport’s darkest hour. The man’s a proven commodity. He comes through, time and time again. Shane...hey, I like the guy...but he’s proof the little engine isn’t always rewarded for thinking he can.
(CUEUP: “Ain’t Goin’ Down” by Garth Brooks)
BB: You know what that sound means...
(CUTTO: Benson biting his bottom lip to refrain from singing along.)
BB: Shane Southern’s back on the scene! In the very building he had his heart broken against Ryan at CSWA15! The fighting champion Melton.......we’ll see if he can stop Shane! The former US Heavyweight Champion! The man that’s carried this league nearly for the past three years!
SB: Is this guy’s ex-wife having you and Mrs. Buckley’s baby or something? Step back calmly Bill, and remove your lips from the hick’s ass. It’s for the best, trust me!
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s match is one-fall with no time limit. For the World Heavyweight Championship! First, the challenger making his way to the ring, standing at six-feet-three-inches and two-hundred-sixty-five pounds, hailing from Bourbon Street, New Orleans, Louisiana, he is a former United States Champion and the man who knows when the PARTY’S OVER. He is SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE SOUTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHERRRRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNN!
(Southern gives a slight nod to the Greensboro sell-out crowd, and steps through the middle-rope with a poker face that’d break the strongest man.)
BB: Is it just me or does Rhubarb enjoy his job a little too much?
SB: No, we’ve all thought that. It’d be admirable if we didn’t know he was a freak.
BB: How true.
(CUEUP: “I Need A Hero” – Bonnie Tyler)
BB: I swear if that man rides out on a dog sled again...
SB: He’s theatrical! What else would you want in a World Champion? You should see what he has planned for Easter, if the belt’s still defendable.
BB: I’ve heard rumors.
RJ: Making his way to the ring, the CSWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, standing at six-foot and one inch, two-hundred and ten pounds, though he actually hasn’t been weighed in ten years, THE UNIFIER JOEY MELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTON!
BB: Jones cracked the lovely Miss Troy up with that remark! But Melton’s already threatening to walk out over it!
SB: I don’t blame him! When a commoner like Jones thinks he can get away with a remark like that.... worlds collide! Rhubarb Jones could disappear tomorrow and nobody would know it except for the crackwhores who push his “Best Of” CDs illegally at venues, and former VP Greg Paris...Paris being the fool who signed Jones to an iron clad lifetime contract...
BB: Okay I’ll bite... Hey, whatever happened to...
SB: How the hell should I know Buckley? That’s like asking me for the whereabouts of Nicholas Rogers. This company’s had so many VPs it’s ridiculous. Have you forgotten we used to give away a two-month run in a corporate office for being the one who guaranteed a sell-out at every venue? What still amazes me, and again...I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seep poop, is that (nameCensored) and Thomas gave these fools booking power. Lest we forget the boob responsible for the 20-midget under-the-bottom rope battle royal was shortly pooped and fired afterwards.
BB: And incidentally went on to run a successful promotion for a few years.
SB: So what are you suggesting? He used the bad ideas on us?
BB: Patrick Young finishes checking the attire of both men, and this one is underway!
(SFX: DING! DING!)
SB: Melton and Southern circling one another, neither in a rush to make the first move! Troy yelling at Joey from the outside...my my Buckley...I think she just called Joey a....
BB: Kitty-Kat. This is family television, Benson. Melton dips into Shane, but fakes him out with a elbow in his gut!
(Melton drops an elbow over the back of Southern’s neck, then pushes him back to the mat.)
SB: The ol’ fake collar-and-elbow tie-up! I used to spend hours instructing my charges on how to execute that properly...
BB: The Clarks? Exactly what was your relation to that family?
SB: Hey, I’m not the one on trial Buckley, Jacko is!
BB: Melton goes for an early figure four, but Southern kicks him off! Joey off the ropes, knee drop that misses! Southern to his feet, savat kick!
SB: The younger sister to the Superkick! It all works in stages..
BB: Southern with a hard right across Joey’s chops, and Melton embraces the mat unwillingly! A few more shots like that and he wont’ be the prettiest girl on the block anymore! Shane drops an elbow! ONE.....NO!
SB: Is it just me or has Southern fattened up for his match? What did he weigh in at?
BB: Enough. Southern with a side-headlock! Melton to his knees...the World Champion quickly on the defensive in the early gettin’.
SB: That’s a modified sleeper! Come on Young! Avenge your father’s sins and call a match correctly!
BB: Melton to his feet, pushing Southern into the ropes. Young calls for the break, but Southern pulls Joey back from the ropes! Lindsay Troy berating Young for not breaking!
SB: As she should! Nice to see her taking an active role for a change!
BB: Sammy she’s seen more ring time in his title reign that he has!
(Joey lifts Southern in the air and drops him on his back, breaking the lock.)
SB: It’s fifty-fifty at least, come now Buckley.
BB: Melton up quick, pushing Southern to the turnbuckle....EYE GOUGE by Shane! Stopping Joey before he could unleash a series of chops, Shane turns the tide, Melton now in the turnbuckle, KINFE EDGE CHOPS BY SOUTHERN!
SB: He can’t ape Melton’s moves! That’s...that’s...
BB: Melton’s move?
(Southern lifts Melton off the ground with the force of his last chop.)
SB: Hey, he spent six-weeks in a reservation with Wahoo McDaniel, can Southern say that?
BB: I doubt Melton can either. Shane whips Joey across the ring, Melton crashes back first into the opposite corner! Southern charges in, NO! Joey narrowly avoided being hit with a flying elbow!
SB: Can Dan Ryan do that?
(Joey hooks Shane with a right cross, spreads his arms over the ropes, and unleashes a series of earth shattering chops.)
BB: Easily move out of the way of a telegraphed move?
BB: Melton hooks Shane’s tights, backs up, SLINGSHOT SUPLEX! No, Southern flipped over...DDT!! Covers, ONE..........TWO...............NO!! Melton’s dazed and waving to Troy!! Lindsay leaps on the top rope, get her off there! Get that woman off the apron!!
SB: So do we have the footage of Portman’s naked body or not?
BB: Southern walks to Troy...SUPERKICK!
(Lindsay goes flying off the apron, hitting chest first on the security railing.)
BB: This place is going nuts! OH! Melton clubs Southern on the back of the neck! Shane’s unaffected though! Southern’s good and pissed off! Kick to the gut, Shane sends Melton off the ropes, across the ring, leapfrog by Joey, off the ropes, POWERSLAM BY SOUTHERN!!
SB: Making Melton wrestle on New Year’s Eve...who’s idea was this?
BB: SHANE’S GOING FOR THE FIGURE FOUR, roll up by Melton, ONE...TWO...NO! Joey showing his mastery in the ring there, nearly retaining the title from a defensive position. Melton rolling out of the ring, he needs a second to regroup.
(Melton steps out to check on a shaken Troy, who’s standing but arched over clutching her chest.)
SB: The thinking man’s champion. Using the ten-count to his advantage. The longer this goes, the more it favors Melton. Good boy Joseph....
BB: How do you figure that?
(Southern take two giant steps and leaps over the top rope towards Joey, Melton seeing Shane flying through the air, grabs Troy by the arm and pulls her in front of Shane’s falling body.)
BB: Ohhhh! Melton....quite the hero....that was sickening!
BB: You saw what!
(Southern briefly eyes Troy with a look of concern before Melton’s right foot crashes across his skull.)
SB: I saw the Queen volunteerarily take one for the team!
BB: Stop it Sammy! Melton throws Shane back first into the ring apron! Melton vicious Knife Edge chops! Joey...whips Shane into the security railing!
SB: See! He’s returning the favor for Troy!
BB: He hasn’t looked at her once, after the fall!
(Melton pulls at Shane’s mouth with his fingers, leaning Southern over into the front row of fans.)
SB: She knows he cares. It....goes unsaid.
BB: Joey rolls back inside to restart the count....body slam! Southern’s back cracking against the cement floor of the CSWA auditorium. Joey...pulling Southern’s body to the railing, HE’S GOING FOR A FIGURE FOUR, THROUGH THE RAILING!
SB: I think I just heard Southern give! What a baby!
BB: He did not! Melton screaming at the fans in the front row to make room...
SB: Like those idiots are smart enough to make room. Put the camera on them and the cell phones whip out...
BB: Joey trying to hook the line.....LINDSAY TROY DROPICK ON MELTON OFF THE RAILING! Where’d that come from!! Troy sprung to her feet and sent Melton flying into the seats!
SB: Clearly she’s still groggy, and has no idea who she just nailed...
BB: Yeah right! Southern reaches into the stands and pulls Melton up....suplex over the railing and onto the floor!!
SB: Damn women’s rights movement! Just because Troy votes doesn’t mean she has the right to get uppity with Joey Melton! The man’s practically royalty!
BB: Southern shoves Joey into the ring, he knows better than anyone, the title has to change hands there! He’s going to the top rope! Sammy is this wise at this junction? Such a high-risk move?
SB: Oh, who gives a (Censor)?
BB: Joey to his feet....he can’t find Southern.....TOP ROPE FRANK’N’SOUTHERN!! (crowd explodes)
(Melton’s body rolls through the bottom rope.)
BB: Southern hit his move!! No! Joey’s outside...look at Southern’s face! He has the World Title in his hands, but Melton’s not in the ring! Inches from the CSWA World title again! Melton...he’s not moving Sammy!
SB: Of course he’s not you ass! The man just took a spill that’d kill a lesser man!
BB: Shane quickly outside and rolling Joey’s body back in, but it may be too late! Southern...he’s hesitating Sammy...does he pin, or stay on the offensive...
SB: Choking before our very eyes....wasting precious seconds...
BB: Agreed...he can’t give Joey more ti----SOUTHERN TO PIN, ONE.....TO.....NO!! Foot on the rope for the Champion! The challenger disgusted with himself as he should be. Over shot the move, and tripped going for the pinfall.
(Southern sets a weary Melton up against the ropes, then bounces off the middle rope a foot from Joey and pulls off a Reverse Frank’n’Southern into a bridge pin attempt.)
BB: Yes! Southern, this is it...ONE.....TWO...SHOULDER UP FROM MELTON! How!?
SB: Maybe the belt wasn’t won in ring Buckley, but Joey’s a genius in-ring. Don’t ever forget that.
BB: Southern again off the middle-ropes almost out of desperation, LION SAULT....Knees up from Joey and Shane takes it in the gut!
SB: The window of opportunity’s closed for Southern....even with Troy’s traitorous actions! In simpler times, she’d be tried and hung.
BB: Melton driving a forearm into the small of Southern’s back. GERMAN SUPLEX FROM MELTON! Trying to mount an offensive attack after surviving a series of near pinfalls....Southern to his feet, Melton charging, SWINGING NECKBREAKER!
SB: I can breathe easier Buckley. (inhales) These never get any easier...whew.
BB: Clothesilne into the corner by Joey! Knee to the gut! Joey, fistful of Southern’s hair in his hand charges towards a nearby turnbuckle and drives Shane’s head face first into the padding!
SB: If Troy were a good manager she’d have taken off that padding by now! They’ve been together for over a year and it barely shows!
BB: Short jab by Joey! Backslide! ONE.........TWO.....THAT’S ALL. Southern easily rolling out. Joey...leaping clothesline, staying on the offensive! Joey shoots Southern off the ropes, SLEEPER HOLD!
SB: I’ve seen this man take down wild boor in Africa with this move! Obviously, the execution was a lot tougher in those situations, but the point is...Southern’s finished!
BB: I’d love to see the slide show from that trip. “Here’s CSWA World Champion Joey Melton wrestling a wild animal to the ground with a basic wrestling lock.”
(Southern tries to buck Melton off. Joey wise to what’s happening, releases the hold and throws Southern through the middle-ropes.)
SB: Great stuff, I assure you.
BB: Patrick Young warning Melton! Next time’s a DQ!
SB: Hollow words, hollow words...
(Shane’s leery of an approaching Lindsay Troy as he catches his breath. Troy approaches but keeps her distance. Melton leans over the top rope and yells at her, angrily motioning for Troy to work over Southern.)
BB: Melton and Troy getting into it here! I tell ya, Sammy, I wish these two would just (censor) and get it over with.
SB: You and me both.
BB: Joey jumps outside....to confront Troy! Lindsay and Melton face-to-face! Melton’s totally lost focus of the task at hand! Southern spins Melton around, wild right hand! Joey ducks, and SHANE WALLOPS MISS TROY!
SB: Look at the way he abuses women! It’s sick! That may win him a few points with Rudy, but not with me Buster!
(Joey grabs Southern’s tights, and vaults him headfirst into the iron post.)
BB: Southern’s head may have cracked right open! Joey scoops Southern, pins his leg back, KNEE DROP! LIFTS HIM AGAIN...KNEE DROP ON THE SECURITY RAILING! Joey carefully tending to Lindsay as Southern sways back and forth on top of the railing.
(Melton grabs Troy by the arm and whips her at Southern, Troy in self-defense clotheslines Southern.)
SB: There ya go sweetie!
BB: She no more meant to do that than....
SB: Looked like it to me!!
BB: The Champion pulling Southern back over the railing. He’s going for a German Suplex on the cement floor! This could break Southern’s neck!
SB: Don’t jinx it!
BB: She’s waving Melton off! I think she’s had it! There you go girl! Tell him off!
SB: She’s making the biggest mistake in her life! That man’s the best thing that ever happened to her!
(Southern waits a second then dropkicks Troy into Melton, Troy clothesline Joey by accident.)
(Huge crowd pop.)
BB: Turnabout is fair play! Southern hurriedly rolls Joey into the ring! Southern to the top rope!! Can he do it this time!?
SB: I can’t look Buckley! Life’s just not fair sometimes! It’s not, I swear!
BB: Yeah it is! Southern off the top, FROG SPLASH! FROG SPLASH! Melton’s in the center of the ring! ONE...........TWO..........................(Troy comes flying off the top rope to break the pinfall with an elbow) No!
SB: I knew she wouldn’t let me down!
BB: NOW Troy and Melton are back on the same page?
SB: They may bicker and argue but at the end of the day they want the same thing. It’s really a healthy relationship at heart.
BB: Southern’s got Troy by the throat! Troy kicks Southern down low, bounces off the ropes, SUPER KICK!
(Southern’s body falls over Melton’s back who was on all fours behind Southern, Joey rolls up Shane the second his shoulders hit the mat.)
BB: It can’t end like this...........ONE...............
SB: Oh yes it can!
BB: Two.......................t-no! Southern kicks out!
SB: Damn that man!
BB: Young goes to call for the bell, but I think Southern just waved him off! Melton backs Shane into the ropes, signals to Troy, irish whip....tilt-a-whirl slam by Troy, NOO! FRANK’N’SOUTHERN! Melton charges, flying heart punch by Southern! The Pin, NEW CHAMPION? ONE..........TWO....... (Troy dives to break the pin again!) Oh come on!
SB: Just enjoy the ride Buckley. As Latifah said. U.N.I.T.Y. That’s a unity.
BB: Lindsay wisely rolls out of the ring, hopefully feeling over wrought with shame for her part in this!
SB: Not likely Bill, but keep trying.
BB: Southern..........Cajun Leg Sweep! Shane runs for the ropes, shoots off, LOU THEZ PRESS! But the force takes Melton over! Joey’s got the pin!!! ONE..... (Melton reaches back to grab the ropes for leverage.) TWO...................................... (Young stops the count, seeing Melton cheating, he kicks at Joey’s arm breaking the hold.) Southern rolls Melton back over! ONE.........TWO........................NO! Again......incredibly close to the World Title!
SB: I’m an old man Buckley my heart can’t take this. Nor my liver! Though that was shot going in.
BB: Both men slowly to their feet.....trading blows! The World Title hanging in the balance! Southern getting the better of the trade off! Melton’s knocked off his feet! (As Melton falls back he grabs Young by the belt and throws him through the ropes and outside to the floor.)
SB: Blasted Young! I hate to say it, but this company hasn’t had a strong ref since Manual Juarez!
BB: That’s enough! Joey...struggling to his feet....but the damage is done, he’s bought himself some more time with Youn-----what???
(Southern turns his back to Melton, reaches in his tights and pulls out a pair of Brass Knuckles.)
BB: South....Southern just pulled a foreign object! Southern just pulled out a foreign object!! What the hell? HARD RIGHT HAND WITH THE KNUCKLES! Joey’s rocked...Melton is rocked! DISCUS PUNCH BY SHANE SOUTHERN! And Joey’s out!
(Young, having managed to brace himself on the previous fall, climbs back in without much time lost. Southern hooks shots the knuckles into the stands.)
SB: I can’t believe my eyes! They burn Buckley! They burn!
BB: Shane covers Joey, I don’t think Troy knows what’s happening, ONE.............TWO......THREEE!!!! We’ve got a new CSWA World Heavyweight Champion and it’s Shane Southern! SHANE SOUTHERN IS THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION!! What’s happened here?!
SB: Highway robbery! Buckley I feel dirty.
(Young reaches over the top rope to get the World Title from Rhubarb then awards it to Shane Southern. Southern on one knee looks at the belt like he doesn’t believe it’s his, kisses the Golden plate, and then calmly rolls out of the ring.)
BB: Shane Southern...has finally won the CSWA World Title...but not without....controversy!
(Lindsay Troy rushes in to tend to Joey Melton, still out cold and bleeding profusely. The crowd’s in shock, the majority pumped they’ve witnessed a title change, but an eerie feeling’s washed over the Auditorium, as if nobody’s been able to process what they’ve seen.)
SB: (crying) Joey no..........not the World Title.....Buckley Nooooooooooooooooo! It can’t end like this. It can’t......
BB: Good grief man get a grip! Fans, we need to break. The Main Event still to come! Hornet, Timmy Windham, and Dan Ryan in a Branding Iron match! Shane Southern...World Champion... believe it! We’ll be back!
(CUTTO: Billy Buckley, with another fan near the back of the lower level. She’s a woman of about twenty one, dressed in a mix of Ivy-chic and country girl.)
Billy Buckley: It’s been a great night, and our PRIMETIME moments have reminded me, at least – that it’s been a great sixteen years here in the CSWA. I’m standing here with Naomi Briggs, who has our next moment! How are you enjoying the show, Naomi?
Briggs: CSWA RULES! WOO HOO! It’s great, Billy! The show’s been amazin’ so far!
Billy Buckley: And your PRIMETIME moment?
Briggs: It didn’t happen on PRIMETIME, hun… it was FISH FUND Thirteen, when Deacon came back!
Billy Buckley: These are supposed—
(Naomi takes a step closer to him and hugs his arm)
Briggs: C’mon, darlin’… it’s okay t’bend the rules for lil’ old me, right? If it’s okay t’do so for Mr. T up in the offices, right?
(A slow smile creeps over Billy’s face.)
Billy Buckley: Roll ‘em.
(CUTTO: FISH FUND XIII -- August 3, 2002)
(Joined in progress – Eli Flair is in the ring speaking to the fans)
ELI: I’m thirty years old, people. I’m an eleven- time World Heavyweight Champion. I’ve wrestled the best that the world has produced, from Degadeth to JT Tyler to Mike Randalls to Hornet to Mark Windham to Troy Windham to GUNS to Eddy Love, to Kevin Powers, and everyone in between. (He gestures to the video wall) I’ve got the girl. And I’ve even got the gold… as, shutdown, temporary or permanent notwithstanding… I’m still the fWo Hardcore Champion. Everything seems to be in its place… everything seems to be as it should be. I have every reason in the world to take this moment to announce my official retirement from the ring.
BB: Pipe down! These fans are certainly not happy about this!
SB: No way, Buckley! NO WAY are you gonna take this moment away from me!
ELI: Of course, since I have yet to act rationally once in my life… ain’t no way I’m checkin’ out now.
(The fans give off a massive pop at this statement, broken up by the sudden playing of the "Imperial March” from Star Wars – as Commissioner Merritt entered the arena, making a beeline for the ring. The reaction of the fans is lukewarm – nothing too brutal but very few of them are overtly happy to see him.
Merritt hits the ring and stands in front of Eli Flair for just a moment, before asking Rhubarb for a microphone of his own.)
MERRITT: When you asked me for some microphone time tonight, Eli… I told you it was a go as long as you kept it clean. I thank you for that, but I also assumed you’d be getting to the point before Fish Fund FOURTEEN. We've already had enough blowhards give us their bloated opinions tonight.
ELI: It’s real simple, Merritt. I’ve been to the top of the business before… and I want to be there again. I want a title shot.
(Merritt circles him in the ring once, looking him over.)
MERRITT: Is that a fact? Tell me, Eli… why should you get one?
(As Merritt passes in front of him, Eli puts a hand on his chest, stopping his pace.)
ELI: How ‘bout starting with the fact that the last time I was in a title match of any kind in the CSWA, I was hurt, and losing the World Title. And I manage to be the only one to have never gotten that elusive rematch.
MERRITT: I don’t recall you asking for one.
ELI: Fine, fair enough. I want the World Title rematch that I never got. If I don’t get it then I want a match where I can earn one.
MERRITT: Lookie lookie, someone has a massively overblown sense of their own importance, don’t they? You put me through hell with your **ahem** wrestling style costing me money in FCC fines. There was a little incident where you, Randalls, and Hornet decided to take me head- on, and look where it got you. Give me one good reason
ELI: How ‘bout this? Because there’s not a single person in the locker rooms that’s proven they have what it takes to hang with me. Because you’ve got NOBODY who’s proven they can keep up with me, much less BEAT me.
VOICEOVER: You might need rephrase that statement
(A Mediterranean accent booms over the intercom. A few from the crowd respond, those in the “know”, but many are confused by the hidden speaker.)
(Eli Flair smiles with the knowledge of this surprise.)
(The lights go out. The pop gets bigger.)
(A slow Gregorian chant begins to build. The crowd’s roar is deafening.)
(Lights line the curtain as 2 robed individuals split it wide.)
(For the first time in over a year, the crowd expects to see the man called DEACON.)
BB: I’m in utter disbelief. Deacon can’t be back!
(Through the curtain rolls the man called Deacon… in a wheelchair. The crowd’s cheers die down as they see this former Man-Mountain gliding onto the top of the rampway in an oversized wheelchair. Deacon is wearing a large hospital gown as well as a microphone headset so that he isn’t expected to hold a microphone. The crowd was hoping for a return to his past glory, and this is evident. The cheers turn into polite applause, the kind you see when an athlete makes his way off the field after he is injured. Deacon smiles and begins to speak in his Broken English / Mediterranean accent.)
DEACON: You might need rephrase, cause someone was back here ALWAYS ready to ‘hang with you’. You gave me first push, Eli. It was your star that shined from history. It was my star that began to shine. It was our stars that tore house down every time we … ‘hung’. And stars have gravity, Eli. They keep t’ings in alignment. They pull t’ings from where they are to where they need be. And Eli, I know where I need be.
(One of the robed individuals walk back through the curtain. They hand Deacon a pair of crutches, which he uses to stand up from the wheelchair. The crowd pops!)
BB: Deacon did it! I’ve seen him overcome plenty of physical trials, but this is truly amazing.
(Deacon begins walking down the ramp toward the ring.)
DEACON: I need to be in CSWA. I need drive to keep going, and CSWA help give me that. I not know if President Merritt need a man such as I, but I know I need to be here.
(Merritt puts the mic to his mouth.)
MERRITT: The office is full, but maybe we could find you something to do around here.
DEACON: Somet’ing? I have … idea. You know my thoughts on faith. You know that ‘faith is the evidence of things unseen.’. Well, I in rehab for months now and they tell me that I improving, but I not see enough evidence for me. Well, I t’ink it’s time some evidence shows itself off. I t’ink maybe we could…
(Deacon makes it down the ramp to the ring. He stands beside it and looks out to the fans. POP!)
DEACON: I t’ink maybe we … Eli & I … could … tear house down
(Deacon tosses his crutches aside. He stands upright.)
BB: OH MY GOD!
(Deacon tears his hospital gown off, revealing baggy white pants with gold crosses emblazoned down the length of the legs on either side.)
BB: OH MY GOD!
(Deacon rolls under the bottom rope and into the ring.)
(Deacon gets into a smiling Eli Flair’s face. He smirks as the crowd goes insane.)
DEACON: (whispers) just for ol’ times sake.
(Eli and Deacon both glance toward Merritt. He shrugs his shoulders and then steps out of the ring.)
ELI: I guess that’s a yeah.
(Deacon nods his head. He takes off his headset with the parting shot.)
DEACON: Let’s see what I got.
BB: HE’S BACK! THE DEACON IS BACK IN ACTION! FOR OVER A YEAR, HE HAS BEEN OUT OF ACTION, SUFFERING FROM M.S. NOW, HE’S IN THE RING!
BB: Sammy? You alright? You’ve not said a thing since he walked out.
SB: (quietly) shut up, Billy.
BB: … I guess we have an impromptu match to call! Commissioner Merritt has left the ring, and Eli Flair and Deacon are staring each other down in the middle of the ring for the first time in almost three years! Deacon is in a wrestling ring for the first time in TWO years! Listen to these people, Sammy!
SB: I don’t hear what I don’t want to hear.
BB: Deacon looks as if he’s in incredibly good shape, Sammy, and Eli Flair has removed his shirt, showcasing an equally impressive physique. I suppose the only question mark is how Deacon’s wrestling skills have held up in the past two years.
SB: Y’see, Buckley… that’s where you come off as completely oblivious.
SB: Deacon might look like he’s in good shape, but the guy’s got MS. And Eli Flair is covered with tattoos and scars. Flair no more has an impressive physique than I do. And Deacon is more likely to stumble in pain than he is to win another World Title.
BB: Say what you will, Sammy, but I disagree.
SB: Well what do you say, Buckley?
BB: Just have a little faith.
SB: You’re a riot.
BB: There’s no referee, I don’t think we even HAVE any left, but we’ve got Eli Flair and Deacon circling each other, both appear wary of making the first move.
SB: So Flair’s gonna beat up the gimp?
BB: The two men lock up--- WHOA! Deacon just muscled Flair backwards into the ropes!
SB: And that man wants a title shot?
BB: I think Deacon caught Flair off- guard with that display of power. Listen to these fans chanting for Deacon!
SB: Isn’t that what caused all the problems last time?
BB: Point taken, Sammy. Eli looks like he’s having a good time, however – he’s got a smile on his face. And Deacon looks like he’s trying to SUPRESS a smile. This is what it’s all about, Sammy. The two lock up again, but Eli lowers his balance and gets the leverage!
SB: What’s it all about? Your ADD must’ve kicked in again.
SB: You started to say something and then stopped. I hate when you do that.
BB: Did I? Oh well, you’ll have to live with it. Eli backs Deacon into the corner, and will we? Yes, a clean break from Flair.
SB: I bet that woman made him soft – he’s just not a fighter anymore.
BB: I don’t even have a chance of saying something, do I?
BB: Deacon lunges forward to lock up with Flair again – NO! Drop toe hold from the former Champion, and he locks on an anklelock! Deacon reverses it, and kicks Flair off! Flair off the ropes, but Deacon nips up!
BB: Eli and Deacon just look at each other… THERE IT IS, SAMMY! ELI AND DEACON SHAKE HANDS!
(CUE UP: “Alone I Break” – Korn)
BB: This exhibition appears to be over, Sammy… but I can’t imagine either man being more pleased. We see Eli Flair make his return to a CSWA ring, and we see Deacon make his return to this SPORT. After the travesty we saw after the United States Title match… I’m not ashamed to say this makes me feel proud of the men in this sport.
SB: That’s… kinda creepy.
ByB: We'll have our final moment of the night just before tonight's final match. But first, I'm being told that the "President" himself, Presidential Champion EDDIE MAYFIELD has been spotted backstage!
(FADEIN: Up in the Presidential Skybox. THOMAS sits at his desk, chin buried into the palms of his hands, a stack of contracts, video tapes and DVD clamshell boxes all over the table. Mickey Benedict is nowhere to be found, at the moment. A tinny buzz chirps from somewhere on the table, and THOMAS, bleary-eyed, starts digging through the debris in front of him, and finds the speakerphone.)
SECRETARY: President Thomas. . . (Muffled noise) Eddie... What? Fine. PRESIDENT Mayfield is here to see you.
THOMAS: Sonofa... (Sighs) what does he want? Doesn’t he know we’re in the middle of an event here?
SECRETARY: Sir, he's not going away... and he's taking all of the good candy out of my dish out here...
THOMAS: I don't want to see his dumb a-
(Suddenly, the door bursts open, and 'Hot Property' EDDIE MAYFIELD kicks the door open, his cheek full of food, and carrying a nice-sized gift with a big bow on it! MAYFIELD is wearing jeans, a Jacksonville Jaguars jersey on with Byron Leftwiches number on it, and a Carolina 'HEELS' baseball cap. He plants his ass in one of THOMAS' luxury guest seats, then props his Reeboks on the desk! THOMAS knocks them off in one swift motion!)
THOMAS: The HELL do you want, Mayfield? Can't you see I'm busy?
MAYFIELD: (Crunching) Damn, you need some new candy out there. Who the hell eats rootbeer barrels? They're nasty as sh[BLEEEP!] Thomas. Jesus! And this is the GOOD stuff? (THOMAS glowers!) Ok, listen man. PRIMETIME 500, I don't know if you were'nt paying attention, but Hot Property is NOWHERE on that card, and YOU know that EYE know, that EYE am the only thing that matters in this pit of a company, that would FEED THEIR A-LIST WORKERS ROOT BEER, F[BLEEEEP]ING, BARRELS. So here’s the deal, Thomas – assuming you scrounge up enough money to another card - you need to do the right thing like Spike Lee, - EYE WANT A TITLE SHOT. I want Southern in the ring… next card… no special refs, no crap… a straight up title shot.
THOMAS: You know what, Mayfield -YOU may think you're the cat’s pajamas, I know that YOU don't make the calls around here - YOURS TRULY does that. I know that you don't have a pot to piss in, and for you to come in here and demand ANYTHING from me, let alone a TITLE SHOT, is laughable. Matterafact, let me take a second to laugh out loud at this.
(Chuckling. MAYFIELD takes his gift and opens it, and throws it on top of his desk! From inside it is an unnatural glow!)
MAYFIELD: How's that for a bargaining chip?
(THOMAS' laughter stops - IMMEDIATELY! He looks down inside the box, his face highlighted by the glow, and his eyes get wide with wonder!)
THOMAS: How... how did you... what...
MAYFIELD: You get me in that CSWA World Championship shot straight-up against Southern, and you can call what’s in that box... heh. (Pulls out a Camel and sparks it, getting out his seat) your very own Christmas Miracle. Make it happen, Thomas.
(MAYFIELD walks out the room. humming 'We are the Champions' as the Secretary walks in, and the camera pans back over to the desk. We see THOMAS hunched over the box and slowly, carefully, removes the contents of that box - The CSWA PRESIDENTIAL CHAMPIONSHIP! THOMAS sputters to himself, and wipes a line of drool from his chin.)
THOMAS: ...My... my precious......
(CUTTO: Rudy Seitzer, somewhere in the backstage. The fans cheer at the sight of the man standing next to him – Eli Flair.)
Seitzer: There’s one match to go before PRIMETIME 500 officially wraps up, but we’ve got one more moment to share with you, and to bring it down, Eli Flair!
(The fans pop again as Eli steps forward toward Rudy’s microphone)
Flair: This company’s got a hell of a lotta history to look through… when I heard that we were going to be showing some PRIMETIME moments, I naturally started to think about what that meant. What this show has done for the wrestling business in general, the CSWA specifically… and all of us, t’boot. And I think I regained something I lost in the process.
It’s funny, how I started to look for a PRIMETIME moment that changed the course of the CSWA, and ended up reading years’ worth of TRIBUNE columns to my daughter.
Seitzer: And… your moment?
Flair: July 15th, 1997… when Troy took the belt from GUNS.
(Rudy backed up half a step, a mixture of confusion over Eli’s choice, and confusion over how nobody else had thought of it.)
Seitzer: What made you choose that one?
Flair: GUNS was the last of the old guard… black and white heroes and villains, the color of their hat only determined by the name on the marquee. GUNS was a mighty hero in the AAWC, a hated joke in the CSWA. Troy was different… Troy was the f**kin’ rockstar of the wrestling world, and when he took the belt… that was that. Everything… EVERYTHING changed that day. Considering when the next CSWA match took place, I think that’s the only thing we can be sure of.
Seitzer: Troy and GUNS, one more time… By the way, Eli – you’ve been a big part of the CSWA for the past decade… I have a question of my own.
Seitzer: Why don’t you have a match tonight?
(Eli glared at him for a moment.)
Flair: Don’t, Seitzer… don’t.
(He walks away, leaving Rudy holding the microphone.)
(CUTTO: CSWA SuperPRIMETIME in San Antonio -- July 15, 1997 – match joined in progress)
BB: GUNS goes to pull the trigger, but Windham has hit feet locked under that second rope. GUNS is trying to use his power to pull Windham off the top, but Windham takes another tack, again catching GUNS in the eye!!!! Windham gets a reprieve for a second and takes advantage.... DROPKICKING GUNS FROM THE TOP!!!! GUNS goes down and so does Windham! Troy rolls over for the cover!!!!! ONE....TWO....NO!! Windham couldn't hook the leg, and GUNS got that left shoulder up! Windham pounds on the mat, yelling at referee Patrick Young about the count. Referee Young gets in Windham's face yelling at him to worry about the match and not the count! But GUNS settles the argument, pulling Troy away from Young and sending him in for the ride again!!!! GUNS backs up the opposite corner turnbuckle as Windham hits for at least the third time in the other corner. Windham may have just passed out for a moment due to that back injury!! He doesn't even look like he's conscious. Referee Young is trying to ascertain Windham's condition... but here comes GUNS!!! Young starts to quickly back out of the way as the freight train appears to be coming through with the power of the Strongest Arms In The World driving it right toward Troy Windham!!!! GUNS comes in with the shoulder down....WINDHAM PULLS PATRICK YOUNG IN THE WAY!!!! Patrick Young just got caught between the immovable object and the unstoppable force....and it was because of Troy Windham!!!! I don't know if he came to and was reaching for the ropes, or if he deliberately pulled Young in the way!!!
CM: Marvin, cueup that replay for us!
BB: But either way, all three men hit the mat in a pile!!! Patrick Young to one side, GUNS toward the center of the ring, and Troy Windham still sandwiched in that corner turnbuckle. We've got mass carnage in the ring, no one to deliver a standing ten-count. This crowd is booing tremendously over what they see as a cowardly move by Troy Windham. But it doesn't appear to be an issue...because the only creature stirring in this house is GUNS, who is slowly coming to and getting to his feet!!!! And this crowd is going wild!!!! And just as quickly, they're booing the fire out of GUNS!!! What's going on here!?
CM: Not GUNS, Bill, but Junior Hornet, who's running toward the ring!!!!
BB: Not this again!!! Junior Hornet has a chair, and he's headed inside! HE JUST CRACKED THE CHAIR AGAINST THE BACK OF GUNS' HEAD! And this crowd is letting him know what they think of him....some are even throwing their trash at him. But Junior Hornet is revelling in it!!! But not for long......TIMMY WINDHAM COMES DOWN FROM ABOVE!!!! Timmy bungees down, and he is all over the man who tried to break his neck! Windham detaches the bungee and throws Junior Hornet through the ropes to the outside. Timmy goes over the top and catches Junior Hornet with a suicide dive! Timmy and Junior Hornet are going at it outside... and here come MARK WINDHAM and MJ DEAN to join in the fun!!! Inside the ring, all three men are still down....but that's not where Mark and MJ are headed. MJ Dean dives on top of Junior Hornet and starts dragging him back down the aisle! And now Mark Windham has got his brother all to himself again......and he's slapping the fire out of him!
CM: Troy Windham is slowly getting to his feet inside the ring, and I think he's just figuring out what's going on!
BB: Mark has Timmy wobbly, and now he grabs the chair that Junior Hornet used on GUNS! He just DRILLED Timmy right in the back. Timmy Windham is out at ringside....and Troy Windham is yelling at his older cousin!
CM: Oh good Lord....here comes The Living Psycho.
BB: You may be right, because Mark just turned on Troy, and he's climbing into the ring! Troy goes for the right hand, but Mark blocks it and drops his younger cousin with a right hand of his own! Mark turns Troy over... PILEDRIVER!!!!!!
CM: And that's victim #2!
BB: Mark takes a look over GUNS....
CM: Oh the carnage...we could have victim #3 on his way.
BB: But here comes HEAT!!! He dives into the ring, and he and Windham are all over each other!! HEAT grabs hold of Mark and sends him through the ropes!
CM: Is the locker room empty yet?
BB: And once again, Windham, GUNS, and the referee are down in the ring....but this time it's Troy Windham who is the only one stirring....he's up on his knees and trying to make his way over to GUNS. This crowd is booing his every move and yelling for GUNS to get up! But GUNS shows little signs of stirring... and now Troy covers him!!!! But there's no one to count the pin!!! Patrick Young is still out! And Mark Windham and HEAT are still giving it to each other in the aisle!!! Is there anybody who can officiate this match?
CM: Come on.....we've got at least two other refs back there somewhere....somebody's gotta get Young back up.
BB: This crowd is going crazy as someone comes down the aisle. IT'S HORNET!!! But he bypasses Mark and HEAT....letting them wage their own war! HORNET IS IN THE RING!!!! He's trying to wake Patrick Young....he drags Young over to the pin.....but Young is out. Hornet is motioning for the paramedics to come help out the official. Now Hornet's looking around....apparently for another official. There's no one to be found, and Troy Windham is still on top of GUNS. Hornet gets down on the mat...he's gonna count it!!!! He checks the shoulders! ONE.................................................... Hornet looks up, still looking for a CSWA official, Mark Windham in the aisle just realized what's happening, and he's on his way to the ring to stop his best friend from counting the pin for his younger cousin........ TWO.................... the shoulder is still down, this crowd is gasping..............THREE!!!!!!!!!! Mark is too late, still down the aisle. Troy Windham gets the three count......but will it stand????
(Buckley turns to Merritt....as does the crowd)
The world wants to know....................................
CM: WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!
BB: You heard it here, folks. We have a NEW CSWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... Rhubarb Jones is announcing it to this capacity crowd, and they are furious!
CM: It was possibly the longest three count in the history of professional wrestling, Buckley.....it stands.
BB: There's certainly a pile of controversy surrounding this one!
CM: Live by the screwjob, die by the screwjob, Bill, dem's the breaks.
BB: Troy Windham is helped to his feet by Hornet, who has the CSWA World belt in his hands.....and he's presenting it to Troy! Troy can't believe it.....I think there are tears streaming down the cheeks of the King Of All Media, and now, the CSWA World Heavyweight Champion! Hornet is helping Windham climb out of the ring and make it down the aisle, amidst a torrent of garbage being thrown at them. Mark Windham is apparently nowhere to be found....it'll be interesting to see how *he* takes all this. But that gold over Troy's shoulder makes it all worthwhile from his perspective at least, I'm sure. Fans.... I'm still in shock over everything we've seen tonight, but this final match takes the cake. We'll see you in Key West for CSWA SHOWTIME!!!!
CM: (on a walkie talkie) Security, get out here, we're gonna need some cover.
RUDY: That’s the last of our “PRIMETIME moments,” fans. But right now, we’ve got time to make at least one more. After this final message, it’s Ryan, Windham, Hornet, and a branding iron…
DOUBLE MAIN EVENT
Branding Iron Match
Dan Ryan vs. Timmy Windham vs. Hornet
BB: We’re back from our final break of the evening, from here on out, we’re commercial free.
SB: As long as I say “Taste the Rainbow” another seventy times, right?
BB: Something like that. We’ve already seen Shane Southern go to lengths to fulfill his dream to become the CSWA World Champion.
SB: How many times did I have to predict it, Buckley? I warned Joey… and America… about the dark side of Shane Southern.
BB: Actually, I think you called him ‘too stupid to break the rules.’
SB: Nuance, Buckley, nuance.
BB: Stephen Thomas has seen fit to change the order around this evening and present tonight’s final match as part of a Double Main Event. In the ring in just a few moments we have a former CSWA World Champion who was never defeated for the title… the current United States Champion… and a former Enterprise World Champion who likes Kermit the Frog way too much.
SB: Not to mention that Marvin Parsons is just finishing up hooking a branding iron to a chain about eleven feet above the ring.
BB: While the ringcrew finishes setting up, let’s take a look back at how this was all set up.
(CUEUP: “Scars” by Papa Roach as the video package rolls.)
V/O: There are few objects that, by themselves, have become part of the CSWA’s long history. A big gold belt or two. A wooden stake. A Singapore cane. The first scene in this chapter belongs to something else. The Branding Iron.
(CUTTO: CSWA SuperPRIMETIME: I Have A Dream - MLK ‘96 -- January 15, 1996
Unified World Title: Hornet vs. “Antichrist” Jim Williams -- joined in progress)
BUCKLEY: What are he and Tropic doing? Tropic is taking that metal and putting it into a metal garbage can where a fire is raging....what is going on here????
BENSON: Are you that dull Buckley? It's not a "metal rod." It's a BRANDING IRON.
BB: NO! NO!! Somebody get security out here!
SB: It's too late, Williams has his followers at every door, at every entrance.
BB: What are they doing?? What can they be thinking?
SB: It's very simple, Buckley. Williams says Hornet is the Antichrist, the "Beast." Well, it's time to mark the Beast, Buckley.
BB: They must be out of their minds. You must be out of YOUR mind! Somebody's gotta stop this. Tropic is on his way back to the ring with that smoking branding iron, where Williams is standing over Hornet, stomping on his back and yelling at him. Now Williams is pulling Hornet to his feet. Look at the rage on Williams face! He's lost it! He's out of his mind! He's got his hands wrapped around Hornet's neck and is backing into the corner. He's gonna hold Hornet while Tropic brands him with the number "666." This is outrageous, Benson!
I've just gotten word that GUNS is trying to get down to ringside, but apparently the locker room door has been barricaded. No one's gonna be able to get out here!
Tropic is in the ring with the branding iron, and Williams has Hornet locked in a choke in the corner. Hornet now sees what they've got planned, and he's trying to fight his way out. Williams delivers a hard shot to the back with his fist and then hooks in the choke once again. Tropic moves forward with malevolent grace, ready to "mark" the man these men see as their threat. Tropic goes forward to brand Hornet, but Hornet delivers an elbow to Williams! Hornet ducks, and Tropic brands WILLIAMS!!!!!!!!
Williams screams out in agony, and Tropic can't believe what he's done! Hornet kicks Tropic in the midsection and pulls the branding iron out of his hands. Hornet hits Tropic with one end of the iron, and Tropic folds and hits the mat. Hornet turns around to meet the still-writhing Williams. Williams sees Hornet who still has the branding iron in hand! Williams is shouting “No!”. He's deathly afraid of Hornet!
SB: And why not??? Hornet's going to kill him with that thing. You wanted to see the Antichrist, Buckley, well here he is!
BB: But instead, Hornet throws the branding iron to the mat and walks away. Williams is in disbelief, but still in severe pain. Hornet slowly climbs out of the ring. He's limping severely, having taken quite a few shots from both Tropic and Williams during this ordeal. He wins this match by disqualification and keeps the Unified Title. At least now he'll have some time to rest and heal up that back.
(The scene cuts away as others of Williams’ disciples come down and begin the beatdown on Hornet.)
V/O: The smoking brand seemed retired along with the “Antichrist” after WINTER’S WARRIORS VII. But in the CSWA, all good things don’t come to an end… they just come… back.
(CUTTO: SHOWTIME in San Antonio -- April 23, 1999
CSWA World Championship: Mark Vizzack vs. Hornet -- joined in progress
BUCKLEY: Fans, Poison Ivy is RUNNING back down the aisle...she appears to have something wrapped up a towel...this can't be good. In the ring, Vizzack sends Hornet down with a dropkick and follows with a hard elbow. The World Champ pulls Hornet to his feet and sends him into the ropes......FLYING DROPKICK MISSES by Vizzack!!! Hornet held onto the ropes!!!
RICHARD DAWSON: And that's what Ivy has been waiting for...she hands that bundle to Hornet as she pulls that towel off.
BB: Wait a second...that's some kind of...that's......OHMYLORD....IT'S A BRANDING IRON!!!!!!!!!!!!
RD: And there's STEAM coming off it!!!!
BB: Vizzack gets to his feet.........AND GETS BLASTED IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD!!!!! Hornet just KOed Vizzack with the side of that branding iron. What in the name of all that is good and pure is Hornet thinking?
RD: Bill.....normally this would be time for a Survey Says...but this is even too bizarre for me.
BB: Vizzack is facedown on the mat...and I think he's bleeding from the back of the head, Richard. Hornet walks over and stands over Vizzack. He's got that branding iron poised..........
RD: Somebody's gotta do something!!!!!!
BB: He's going to....he's......CUT AWAY!!! DO IT! CUT THE CAMERA AWAY NOW!!! HE JUST PLUNGED THAT METAL ROD ONTO VIZZACK'S BACK!!!! HORNET JUST BRANDED MARK VIZZACK!!! And Vizzack didn't even react...he is out cold.
RD: About three fans have just jumped the security rail here...they're charging the ring.
BB: Normally I'd be enraged about that...but...I just don't...this can't...
RD: Poison Ivy catches one of the fans with her retrieved Singapore cane. Oh no....two are trying to get into the ring to get at Hornet. Hornet runs across and knocks one off the apron and into the security rail. The other gets in....and Hornet raises that branding iron!!! NO! Apparently he thought better of it....he sidesteps the fan and sends him through the ropes.
BB: This is getting out of control...we could end up with a riot.
RD: Security has just come down here in droves...this crowd is furious.
BB: Can you blame them??? He just....and now what's he doing??? Hornet is pulling Ben Worthington over to the center of the ring. Worthington seems about half-conscious from where Sunshine has been trying to wake him up.
RD: Where is Sunshine?
BB: She's down by the rail, Richard....I didn't see it, but Ivy must have caught her from behind with that cane. This is a travesty...a real...
RD: Everything's a travesty with you, isn't it?
BB: Shut up, Richard. Fans, Hornet is yelling at Worthington to make the count. And here it comes.......... ONE......TWO......THREE. Mark Vizzack's reign is over, and Hornet's fourth CSWA World Title reign has become. I can't believe this, Richard. I never thought Hornet would stoop so low. I mean...he knows what's it like...Jim Williams attacked him with a branding iron...Mike Randalls drugged him...scores of people have tried to take him out...but this...this is....
RD: A travesty...we know. Look Bill, it's simply if you were listening to the man. He doesn't care about all that. Sure he knows what it feels like...he also knows what a ton of bricks feels like.
V/O: With the exit of Hornet’s “it’s nothing personal” persona, it seemed like the branding iron might be gone forever. But it all started with the return of a man named Thomas…
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME: LABOR DAY LAYOUT – September 6, 2004)
BB: Exactly. You’re calling for worse...it remains to be seen what’s left up Thomas’ sleeve, but already the new chairman of CS Enterprises has turned the wrestling world on its ear. Dan Ryan was stripped of the CSWA World Title and Joey Melton named new champion.
SB: And rightly so. Joey Melton’s an entertainer on par with Wayne Newton, Tim Conway, and the guy in the butterfly costume of the new MSN commercials. Ryan’s a tough man, but in this business it’s about givin’ the audience what they want, night in and night out. Nobody’s done that better than Melton since Woody Allen. A man who was no doubt rolling over in his grave at the sight of Dan Ryan parading around as champion.
(Elevator doors open; Stephen and Hortense step out into the Tower’s parking garage. The couple takes a few steps, then stop cold in their tracks.)
(Hortense gasps in horror.)
(CLOSE-UP: Thomas’ personal stretch limo. Beat to hell. Tires slashed. Windshields busted. Rear-view mirrors repositioned. Dents carved into the body as if someone took batting practice on it for a good five minutes.)
THOMAS: Get back inside. Go!
(Hortense runs back in the elevator.)
(Thomas circles the car inspecting the damage carefully. He inches to the back fender and out of the corner of his eye a figure standing at the opposite end of the garage catches his attention.)
(Dan Ryan, leaning up against the garage wall, casually cuts a 36-38 oz. aluminum Easton bat in the air.)
(Best workout Ryan’s had in quite a while. By far.)
V/O: Dan Ryan pitted himself against the oldest new management on record, Stephen Thomas. As punishment, Thomas threw him into a match against Craig Miles. When Ryan came out victorious, Thomas’s new ‘partnership’ was revealed.
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME in Nassau -- October 7, 2004
(CUTTO: A corridor in the PCL II. Dan Ryan gingerly walks down the hallway with a CSWA Trainer.)
"It's a scratch,” Ryan bemoaned, the slight hitch to his steps a dramatic carryover from the match. Miles tenderized the Texan’s overworked joints with a sincerity he didn’t foresee his opponent possessing. If he worked less, Dan would’ve said “no” with more authority, but he’s arguably the biggest name in professional wrestling. He doesn’t live for fortune or glory, but it’s sure as hell nice. The question Ryan’s asked himself the last two years is, ‘Is the price worth paying?’ That he’s indulging the effects of a mini-war for any wandering fans’ benefit says volumes. “If I didn't have one after a show I wouldn't be able to sleep."
"I see,” the trainer playfully shot back, “You work 300 nights a year to master insomnia."
"Now, he's gettin' it."
"Humor me Ryan,” their walk was slowing, “I feel like I'm stealing money as it is. Free cruise, bunch of athletes who'd rather work with a limb begging to fall off than be in my graces."
"Let me put your mind at ease, Doc. You are cheatin' the company."
Edward Niles, a relative new CS employee smiles. “Thanks."
Niles directs Ryan into a training room on their right. The former World Heavyweight Champion opens the door and reaches inside the darkness for the light switch. Good thing Thomas paid the power bill.
“Watch this, magic...”
As the blackness immediately lifts, Ryan’s shot in the face with a mouthful of green mist.
Timmy Windham dives at the big man’s feet, taking his physical superior to the mat instantly. Ryan, blinded, sweeps the immediate area furiously with his hands.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
Mickey Benedict, stepping from behind the opened door, cracks Niles over the head with a 2x4 effectively shutting the man up, then quiets Ryan’s rebuttal with a series of swift shots to the back of Dan’s neck.
Timmy, blood gushing from a spot on his neck where Dan inflicted damage, ties Ryan’s feet securely with a piece of rope then angrily leaps to his feet and kicks freely.
Ryan stirs, sweeping for his attackers, but he’s blind and beaten. Windham relishing the odds; drives Ryan’s head into the floor, reopening the wound Miles created.
“The Muppet Kid” grabs Ryan’s arms and falls to the floor in front of him, stretching Dan’s body, exposing his back to the unguarded whips of Benedict’s leather belt that viciously follow.
Dan grimaces, but the lights are dimming. If he could get to his feet, they’d never find the bodies. But as the leather eats into skin, what’s left on the menu, the modern-day warrior knows he’ll have to take.
“Get this piece of crap up,” Benedict instructs, the life bleeding back into his eyes. It’s the day-to-day activities that have crippled Mickey, molded him into a useless old man, but when his hatred has an outlet he feels young again.
“That’s a good boy...”
Timmy hooks Ryan’s arms behind his back, and brings him to his knees. Mickey grabs Ryan’s chin and elevates it to match his eye line.
“Smarten up kid,” Benedict slaps him, “and get out of town! Or you're going to wind up like Windham.” An elbow over the bridge of Ryan’s nose for an exclamation, “Dead and buried!"
The old man slips on a loaded glove, rears back, and hits his prey in the head.
V/O: Thomas’ dirty deal with Benedict and Timmy revealed, a new player was pulled in. But by whose design?
(Also at PRIMETIME in Nassau: CSWA Commish Thomas has Hornet on the phone. Joined in progress.)
(THOMAS) “What I do know is that you were sent tickets to be here this week. I had Teri send them personally after the apparent miscommunication from last time.
(HORNET) “And I just assumed they were wrong again. Why would you want me there? You didn’t have me booked for a match… unless Teri’s letter was wrong about that.
“Look, let’s get this clear. I may not be able to fire or suspend you based on this ridiculous contract that you swindled Merritt into signing, but it says I still have the ability to schedule your appearances and sign your matches.”
“And just what appearance or match are you signing?”
“Look, I’m not here to get in a pissing contest with you.”
“Good to hear, cause I just had a Big Gulp.”
“I’m just trying to get things running the way they should be. I’m trying to make sure that the company stays viable, and that we’re putting on compelling matches to draw ratings.”
“You mean like Craig Miles dressed up in facepaint and tights against Joey Melton?”
“Look..you weren’t here. I had to do something…”
“Let’s be real clear about something, Steve. You may have had some brain cells burned away by a steady diet of sun and coconut milk for the last few years, and I may have had some eaten away by popping Somas like candy, but I’m not senile yet. You had no intention of putting me in the ring against Melton… and Miles didn’t just happen to be aboard the Cruise Liner and available.to wrestle with no CSWA contract.”
“I told you… I’m trying to get this company running right, and that means correcting some of Chad’s mistakes. Letting Miles’ contract lapse was a mistake.”
“Just like signing mine, huh? You have no idea what you’ve put yourself into by bringing Miles back, especially now.”
“I know all about his little vendetta against you. As far as what he chooses to do elsewhere…I’ve already been clear that what matters here is the CSWA, and only the CSWA. Look, here’s the deal. I expect you here on the Cruise Liner in two weeks. And like I said, it’s about what’s best for the company, especially ratings-wise. That means that in two weeks, you face Joey Melton for the CSWA World Championship. Straight-up… no Miles dressed up as you, no games, no excuses.”
“Do you really think I believe you aren’t setting me up?”
“I don’t care what you believe. But I know one thing… if you don’t show up for the match, then no judge in the land is going to stop me from voiding your contract, especially not after your Battle of the Belts no-show. So, it’s really up to you. Take me at my word, stop being so freaking suspicious and get a shot at being a five-time CSWA World Champion…. Or add one more match to your list of no-shows and give me enough ammo to get out from under your contract once and for all. Got it?”
(Another moment of silence.)
“Hornet? Do you hear me? Answer me!”
(A burst of that annoying phone company beeping comes on the line, confirming that Hornet has disconnected… with no answer forthcoming.)
V/O: And with the hook baited, and Hornet’s closet raided by his once-upon-a-time stalker, the stage was set.
(CUTTO: CSWA PRIMETIME in Freeport -- October 31, 2004
CSWA World Championship: Joey Melton vs. Hornet -- joined in progress
BB: Melton pulls Lindsay off Hornet, and brings the US champ to his feet. Pins Hornet’s left knee behind him and lifts him in the air, KNEE DROP! Joey goes right back to it, pins the knee, lifts the body up, (Troy swings wildly with the chair and whacks Joey in the back.)
SB: Control…you must learn controlllllllllllllllll.
(CUTTO: Thomas’ office. Thomas is watching the match on the couch in his office with Hortense. He leaps to his feet, a chess player having seen five moves ahead and knowing he lost.)
THOMAS: CODE GREEN! CODE GREEN!
HORTENSE: Baby what is it?
THOMAS: (grabbing his cell phone and running out the door, screaming) CODE GREEN! CODE GREEN!
(CUTTO: Ballroom A.)
(Troy tossing the chair out of the ring while berating a fallen Melton. Hornet shakes his head, smiles…then covers.)
BB: Worthington counts!! ONE…………TWO…………………..(Troy snaps out of her rage, and comes back to earth, diving for Worthington’s arm saving the mat from a 3rd smack.) T----No! Troy! (Worthington wrestles his arm loose and pounds the mat, but before he can…Melton gets his right shoulder up.) Joey’s up!
SB: It’s like watching Richard Burton and Liz Taylor host a dinner party.
BB: Hornet savat kick to Joey’s stomach!! IMPLANT DDT!! (Fans go wild.) Melton’s gone! He’s finished! Hornet looks to the fans, he knows what they want! To the top rope he goes! This is it right here!
SB: I’ll run in myself if I have to. I won’t sit through the rest of this cruise with Hornet as champ. I just…won’t!
BB: SHOOTING STAR PRESS! SHOOTING STAR PRESS! Nobody does it better! He’s going to be the CSWA World Champion for the 5th time! (Hornet covers Melton, as Worthington drops to count backed by thousands of screaming fans.) ONE…….TWO…..
(Fans react as Timmy Windham bungees to the ring, safety releases, then hooks a cord on Worthington’s belt. As Ben’s hand comes down for the third time, his body’s shot up in the air at an alarming rate.)
BB: SWEET MOTHER!
SB: Wow, look at Worthington haul ass.
BB: Timmy Windham’s jumped Hornet!! He’s beating the US Champ with…. With a BRANDING IRON! He’s using Hornet’s own weapon of choice against him! Windham whipping the iron over Hornet’s head! Somebody get in here and stop this before he ends Hornet’s career like he did Mark’s!
SB: You know, usually I’d be pleased at seeing Hornet bleed like a stuck pig…
(Fans go silent as Windham stomps at his prey. Timmy reaches for the heavens then sinks in the Iron Claw!)
BB: The Iron Claw!!!
(SFX: DING! DING!)
SB: Rhubarb forced the ring bell…it’s out of hand Buckley. And you know my policy. When the Windham’s arrive, I retire to the wet bar. Good luck.
BB: Sammy!! Fans we’re out of time…. Marvin get the cameras off Hornet…we don’t need to see thi----
BB: IT’S THE ‘EGO BUSTER’ DAN RYAN!! DAN RYAN’S hit the scene!!
(Melton, groggy outside the ring, grabs Troy and they high tail it through the stands.)
BB: Ryan jumps Windham!! Both men tearing into each other! Bar the door Katie, we’re out of time! This tour’s over, and it’s been more chaotic than the DAYS OF OUR LIVES: CRUISE OF DECEPTION! We'll see you at PRIMETIME 500!
V/O: A deposed champion, a former hero, and a deranged stalker. Schemes and machinations galore, with no one quite sure which side anyone else is on. Toss in a well-used branding iron, and it gives us one more potential classic for the PRIMETIME archives. Winning is simple – no pinfalls, no submissions. All you have to do is show your true colors and take out some aggression at the same time. Just grab the branding iron and use it. But the devil is in the details.
(CUEUP: “The Muppet Show Theme.” Rhubarb Jones is in the ring, microphone in hand, as CSWAvision erupts into light and color. Green fireworks begin shooting from both sides of the entryway.)
It’s time to get things started…
It’s time to get things right…
RJ: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the second half of this DOUBLE MAIN EVENT here at the historic five hundredth edition of CSWA PRIMETIME. You know the rules, and you can see the branding iron above the ring. First, hailing from Sweetwater, Texas, and standing at five-feet-eleven-inches tall and two hundred forty-five pounds, he is a former CSWA Unified Tag Team Champion, as well as a former Enterprise World Champion… he is… The MUPPET KID…. TIMMY WINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDHAM!
(Windham steps out through the spray of green sparks. The crowd is on its feet, with almost all of them booing the man who was once a fan favorite. Then again, he was also supposed to be Mark Windham’s brother – not some creepy guy that Mickey Benedict groomed to trick his way into the Windham family.)
(As Timmy climbs into the ring, CSWAvision abruptly changes, showing a familiar face walking out of the shadows into a bright spotlight as showers of orange fireworks shotgun every few seconds from the two cannons on either side of the ramp.)
(CUEUP: “Like The Sun” by I Mother Earth)
I’m finding my way
Finding the words
One body breaking
Someone come and rise up
RJ: From right here in Greensboro, North Carolina (cheap pop), he is six-feet-five-inches tall and two hundred sixty three pounds. You know the credentials – Unified World Champion, four-time CSWA World Champion, current United States Champion. He is the ONE…. The ONLY! HORNETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!
(Hornet jogs down the entryway, hands outstretched to high five those with hands out, but his eyes tell a different story, solely focused above the ring. The crowd is cheering as he hits the ring steps and climbs in, leaning in the corner opposite Timmy Windham.)
(CUEUP: “Zero” by Smashing Pumpkins as the lights go out.)
My reflection, dirty mirror
There’s no connection to myself
I’m your lover, I’m your zero
RJ: From Houston, Texas… he’s a massive six-feet-seven-inches tall and three hundred thirty pounds. They call him “The Ego Buster,” but most of us just call him the man who is still the rightful CSWA World Champion… he is… DAN! RYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYANNNNNNN!!!!
(The crowd pops as the man who was stripped of the World Title steps through the current as a strobe light begins flashing. At least one old man with a pacemaker in the audience misses a beat as Ryan approaches… it looks like he’s moving incredibly fast due to the strobe… and the crowd pops huge as they realize he’s running to the ring to meet…)
BB: Ryan slides in the ring, and he just ROCKED Timmy Windham with a huge clothesline that sent the Muppet Kid over the top rope and down onto the concrete!!! Ryan eyes Hornet from across the ring, but Hornet simply smiles and gestures as if letting Ryan take out his frustrations on Timmy first!
SB: Ryan may be fired up…but Rhubarb may just be plain fired after that introduction. I can’t imagine Thomas is going to be too thrilled. Then again, why do I care?
(SFX: bell rings, a bit late.)
BB: After what we’ve seen tonight, I’m not sure exactly what would thrill Thomas. A few months ago, he’s doing everything he can to keep Hornet off television and try to get out of his contract… then he throws him into a title match against Hornet… only to engineer Timmy attacking him. And now tonight – he says he wants to honor Hornet’s ‘devotion’ to the CSWA by putting him in this Main Event match… something doesn’t add up.
SB: When has two plus two ever added up to anything but five around here? It’s like asking how you solve a problem like Bill Parsons.
BB: “Bill! Get that outta your mouth!”
SB: Now that’s reaching back to the early PRIMETIME days. God rest his soul.
BB: Um, Bill’s not dead, Sammy.
SB: He is to me…
BB: Timmy tries to get back in the ring, but Ryan simply knocks him off the apron with a knee, sending Windham right on top of one of the two ladders lying at ringside.
BB: How else did you think they were going to get that branding iron way up there, Sammy?
SB: I figured Hornet was going to bring the jetpack back – it is a special occasion after all.
SB: Or at the very least, Timmy could use his bungee cord to get it. As far as Ryan, I’m waiting for him to pull out one of those little flying machines from Spiderman or something.
BB: He’s not the Green Goblin!
SB: Hey, we’ve got a man named “The Muppet Kid” in the ring… why can’t Ryan throw a mask on and start throwing fireballs at people.
BB: While Ryan keeps an eye on Timmy, Hornet has rolled out of the ring on the opposite side and has a hold of the second ladder. He tosses it into the ring and rolls in behind in. On the other side, Timmy has a ladder and is trying to use it to keep Ryan at bay. Ryan backs up, looks at Hornet, and then the two charge… DOUBLE BASEBALL SLIDE!!!!
SB: WATCH OUT! MUPPET OVERBOARD!
(SFX: Loud thud. Microphones ‘pop’ as Benson and Buckley dive for cover.)
BB: Timmy Windham just got knocked back over our table like he was being yanked by that bungee cord he loves so much! He’s obviously had the wind knocked out of him.
SB: It is too much to ask to have the STUPID knocked out him?
BB: Ryan and Hornet nod to each other, but just that quick, they both turn to each other and lock up! Ryan forces Hornet into the corner and keeps him there with a big hip check. Hornet tries to punch his way out, but Ryan simply grabs him by his shoulders and THROWS him across the ring, into the other corner!
SB: A couple more tosses like that and Ryan might be able to just knock the branding iron down using Hornet.
BB: Hornet charges out, but Ryan catches him… BELLY TO BELLY… ONTO THE LADDER!!!
SB: I’d start yelling about Hornet’s back, but we’ve seen how much good that’s done since that witch doctor put some sort of computer back there.
BB: Hornet is reeling in pain as Ryan gets to his feet. Ryan backs up to set up for the legdrop… WATCH OUT!!!
SB: I guess Ryan figures it’s bad luck to walk under ladders, so he just takes them to the head.
BB: Timmy just caught Ryan right in the mush with the top of that ladder. It’s like watching a jousting knight get thrown off his horse!
SB: That’s what we need! Next PRIMETIME…if there is one… midget knights jousting on ponies… or great danes… pigs, whatever!
BB: I keep wondering when you lost it… and then I realize you never had it to start with.
SB: You finally figured it out.
BB: Windham follows up by slamming that ladder down across Ryan’s chest. He jumps up to the second rope and comes off with a legdrop on Ryan.
SB: Stupid Muppet… flesh plus metal equals bad idea. He hurt himself, even if he kept Ryan off his feet for a minute.
BB: Hornet rolls back in the ring, finally recovered from that huge suplex he took onto the other ladder. He sees Ryan and Timmy both down, and he picks up the ladder and sets it up! If he’s fast enough, he might be able to get the branding iron…and then he just has to use it!
SB: And if history is any predictor, that means that he won’t hit the guy we expect him to… he’ll doublecross the other guy, and then we’ll get to hear a speech about why.
BB: So you’re saying he’s gonna go after Ryan?
SB: I’m so confused by the equation right now… he might just end up smacking himself in the head with it. Who knows!
BB: Hornet’s up to the third rung of that eight-foot ladder. He’s going to have to get up another three or four rungs, and then reach out into open space…
SB: Not if those two have anything to say about it…
BB: Ryan benchpresses the other ladder off from on top of him and rolls to his side, his back against the ladder that Hornet is climbing! Meanwhile, Timmy is on his feet, and it looks like he’s headed to the top rope!
SB: What’s he doing? All he has to do is go over there and knock Hornet off, or push the ladder over. What’s he gonna do…dive over HERE again!?
BB: Timmy crouches on the top…. FLYING BODY PRESS… INTO the ladder!!!! The ladder and Hornet teeter…and FALL!!!!
SB: YES! I’ve never heard a lovelier sound!
BB: Hornet tried to grab the top rope as the ladder hit it, but instead, he just plunged to the floor below!!!! He fell at least nine or ten feet straight down!
SB: It’s like Santa dropped by with a belated Christmas gift! I knew that lump of coal couldn’t be all I was getting!
(CUTTO: a cameraman on the apron zooms in on Hornet, who is lying on the thinly-padded floor as fans lean over the barricade and yell at him to get up. He shakes his head for a moment, then collapses back to the mat.)
BB: It took a lot out of Timmy Windham too… but not Dan Ryan! Ryan grabs Timmy by the hair from behind and shoves him backwards into the ropes. SNAP SUPLEX!!!
SB: Timmy’s head certainly snapped! It’s like that time Mark piledrove him on the concrete. Now THAT’S a “PRIMETIME moment.”
BB: Ryan pulls him up and sends him back into the ropes…. SPINEBUSTER!!!! He drove Timmy into the mat so hard that the whole ring shook! Ryan signals!!!
SB: Signals what? Uh oh, is there an electrified steel cage up there somewhere?
BB: NO! He’s waiting on Timmy to get up…he’s setting him up for the LAST RIDE! And this crowd can’t wait to see it! Timmy’s up to his knees…then one foot, and that’s enough… Ryan powers him up over his head……. LAST RIDE POWERBOMB!!!!!!
SB: First Hornet falling to his death…then that freaky Muppet getting put through the ring… it’s like someone has heard my prayers.
BB: If a pinfall could end this one, it would be over… but Ryan still has to get up to that branding iron! He kicks Timmy’s prone body out of the way and grabs a ladder from under the bottom rope. He’s got it set up in the middle of the ring!
SB: And he’s got a height advantage too… he won’t have to go all the way up to that last rung… or if he does, he won’t have to reach far to get the branding iron.
BB: Ryan starts up the ladder as this capacity crowd cheers him on! First rung…second… a foot on the third…. The ladder wobbles, but he steadies it and steps up towards the fourth rung. Timmy rolls to his side and puts a hand on the bottom of the ladder… but he’s in no condition to pull the big man off of there.
SB: Unless the Hooded Falcon swoops down and smacks Ryan in the head, this one’s over!
BB: Maybe not… Hornet’s on his feet on the outside!!! And now, down the aisle, here comes Lindsay Troy! Shouldn’t she have come down with Ryan in the introductions?
SB: Maybe she was consoling Melton on his loss, if you know what I mean.
BB: I think we got it, Sammy. Innuendo passed you by long ago, didn’t it?
SB: I majored in double entendre myself, Buckley.
BB: Troy is yelling at Ryan. It looks like she’s warning him about Hornet on the apron. Ryan quickly reaches up for the branding iron..his fingertips reach it, but he can’t pull it down! Hornet’s threw the ropes, and he grabs Ryan by the boot… but Ryan kicks him away and reaches up again. Hornet with a better hold this time…he’s trying to pull Ryan down or pull the ladder over, but Ryan’s fending him off.
SB: Not to mention the shrieking that Troy woman is doing down there. I swear, it’s like listening to a chorus of nails on a chalkboard plus Carl Lewis singing the national anthem!
BB: Ryan with an elbow from the ladder!!!! He collapses on top of Hornet, and now he’s beating him down with hard rights!
SB: You know how some promotion owners pay for plastic surgery for the women they hire? Is there some way to give Troy a voice implant? I swear, if she’d just shut up and let us look at her, we’d all be happy. Then again…maybe a little nose job too…
BB: It looks like Ryan is almost choking Hornet out. Referee Ben Worthington is on the outside of the ring calling for a break, but there’s not much he can do… with the ladders and the nature of the match he just has to sit back and call for the bell when sometimes gets hit with that branding iron.
SB: You mean we won’t be treated to the patented “Worthington flop” as he gets hit by a stray boot or elbow?
BB: Ryan’s on his feet. He has Hornet on the mat up against the corner and it looks like he choking the life out of him with his boot! In the meantime…sneaky Timmy Windham has crawled to the far side of the ladder and is starting his way up it! Lindsay Troy quickly makes Ryan aware. He leaves Hornet gasping in the corner and starts up the other side of the ladder!
SB: A Muppet and a meathead. What more could you ask for?
TROY: KNOCK HIM DOWN, DAN!
SB: Other than a sock to stuff in her mouth..
BB: Ryan fires a right hand that almost knocks Timmy off, but he holds on. Another right, but Timmy has his left arm wrapped around a rung holding him on. He fires back, but Ryan barely budges. They’re trading rights, and with each one, Timmy wobbles more and more. They’re both about three rungs up the ladder… whoever can stay on may be able to get to the top and end this match!
SB: So does it count if one of them gets the branding iron and hits HER with it?
BB: You’d have to ask Worthington about that, Sammy.
SB: Yeah, right. At least he’s not one of the Young family… maybe he wouldn’t have a heart attack if I asked him.
BB: You’re just truly evil, Sammy.
SB: Hey…PRIMETIME Moments…right?
BB: That certainly was one. They both keep trying to climb the ladder while at the same time Ryan keeps punching away at Timmy, but the Muppet Kid is holding on…
SB: Like Elmo with one of the Village People…
SB: Like Ms. Piggy with a three-course dinner?
SB: Like Gonzo with a flock of chickens?
BB: You just sound stupid now…
SB: At least I met my quota of Muppet jokes for this one, Buckley.
BB: Ryan and Windham are both high up on the ladder now, still trying to knock the other off! Hornet is on his knees by the apron, trying to pull the second ladder fully into the ring, but Lindsay Troy has a hold of one end! Referee Worthington is cautioning her, but he seems reluctant to actually force her to let go.
SB: She a freaking six-foot-three Amazon, Buckley. Would you try and make her listen? She hasn’t shut up long enough to even realize there’s a ref around!
BB: Hornet finally pulls the ladder away from her. Halfway across the ring, it looks like Timmy is about to take the fall to the mat…but NO! He leans away from one of Ryan’s punches and fires back with his own!
SB: What’s Bugbrain doing?
BB: He’s got the ladder held in front of him, braced with both hands! He CHARGES! LOOK OUT!!!!!!
(Hornet uses the ropes for leverage and runs across the ring with the ladder as a makeshift battering ram. He connects halfway up the standing ladder with as much force as he can muster, sending the ladder… and it’s occupants… teetering towards the ropes.)
(As the ladder tips, Windham seems to sense his fate and lets go…crashing to the floor. A split-second later… the latter and Dan Ryan follow… taking the plunge ten feet down.)
BB: WATCH OUT!
SB: I haven’t seen a bump like that since… since…. Hornet a few minutes ago.
BB: That was a huge fall for Ryan and Windham!
SB: No…I’m talking about that fan! He leaned over the barricade like an idiot to touch Timmy Windham’s sweat or something… and he got clocked in the head with the ladder… and maybe by Ryan’s boot! I’m gonna have to get a replay of that later tonight.
(CUTTO: The camera shows the carnage. Dan Ryan is somehow on top of the ladder, which is on top of Timmy Windham. The fan that got hit is laid across the barricade – we only see the back of his dirty T-shirt, showing the words “It’s Miller Time!”)
BB: Hornet is all alone in the ring! He takes a minute to catch his breath, and now he starts to set up the remaining ladder, right in the center of the ring. It looks like Hornet is going to get to the branding iron…but the question remains, who will he use it on!?
SB: I vote for Troy.
BB: Lindsay Troy is trying to get Ryan to his feet, trying to get him into the ring. And amazingly, he’s up to one knee. Hornet starts his way up the ladder as Ryan tries to muster up enough wind to get into the ring. And now it looks like Timmy Windham is trying to crawl out from under that ladder on the outside… I can’t believe how these three men are still going at it!
SB: Look out… it’s Senorita Loudmouth to the rescue!
BB: Lindsay Troy steps away from Ryan and stomps down hard on the ladder that is still on top of Timmy Windham’s legs!!! He shrieks in pain… and she does it again! Now she picks the ladder up, only to SLAM it down on his right leg!!!
SB: Yeah, what a woman…. Give her a Singapore cane and she’d be a regular cheap copy of the real Feminazi.
BB: Worthington has made his way around the ring and is arguing with Troy, apparently threatening to disqualify Ryan. She stares down Worthington, kicks Timmy in the head with her boot, and then stalks away!
SB: Look out, she’s coming over here!
BB: Meanwhile, Ryan has literally clawed his way into the ring. But it may be too late… Hornet is stepping up on that final rung and reaching up, trying to get his fingers locked around the branding iron that he knows so well!
SB: Between Mouth and Bugbrain, I just might be sick.
(Crowd pops huge!)
BB: He’s almost… he’s GOT IT! Hornet’s got the branding iron!!!
SB: But now he’s got to USE it! And guess who the closest target is!
BB: Dan Ryan is leaning against the bottom of the ladder on the opposite side… Hornet brandishes the weapon to the crowd and starts his way down. Sammy’s right… to win this match, he’s got to use that branding iron on either Ryan or Timmy!
SB: But what if…
BB: No! He can’t hit Troy!
SB: No, what if…
BB: As Hornet makes his way down, Ryan uses the opposite side of the ladder to get to his feet! They’re on their feet on the mat at the same time… and now they’re staring each other down! Hornet’s has the weapon in his right hand…it looks like he wants to go after Timmy, but he’s not sure what Dan is going to do!
SB: What if Ryan gets the branding iron before Hornet uses it?!
BB: Dan Ryan raises his arms as if to dare Hornet to hit him! If he does…he ends this match! But no matter how much either of these men dislikes each other… it’s Timmy Windham they want revenge on!
SB: Don’t be so sure!
(For the eleventh time in PRIMETIME history, (trust us, we know), Lights flicker! Part of the crowd screams.)
(CUTTO: As the lights come back up, the camera zooms in on Dan Ryan on the mat, blood streaming from a wound in his forehead. He’s conscious, but stunned. As the camera pulls back, Hornet stands on camera-side left, still with the branding iron in hand…and on the right…)
BB and SB: MARK WINDHAM!?
(The crowd erupted from the moment the lights came back on, and they haven’t died down yet. In the ring, dressed in a black trenchcoat and jeans, stands the sandy blonde-haired man. His face is down, but the lines seemed stretched, more gaunt than months ago. He still has a neck collar on, almost hiding his mouth. Outside the ring, Timmy has used the confusion to take a chair to the back of Lindsay’s knee. She’s in pain, but still trying to pull herself from the floor to the apron with little success. Timmy, bleeding from his mouth, is working his way onto the apron as well.)
BB: We haven’t seen Mark Windham since he retired after ANNIVERSARY following a savage beating at the hands of Timmy. Speaking of Timmy…he’s on the apron! He sees Mark and charges!!!
(Hornet tosses the branding iron across the ring to Mark, who catches it. Timmy stops like a light has just turned red, halfway between Mark and Hornet. He looks at Mark, then turns to Hornet… and smiles…)
BB: Mark charges! HE JUST HIT HORNET! HE JUST BUSTED HORNET OPEN WITH THAT BRANDING IRON! GOOD LORD NO!
SB: YES! YES! DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE… AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO DEAL WITH THOSE ANIMATRONIC BEARS! PRIMETIME MOMENTS! PRIMETIME MOMENTS!
BB: Hornet dropped like a ton of bricks came down on him, and he’s bleeding severely from his forehead! Timmy Windham backs up against the ropes… he jumps to the second rope and then jumps straight down onto Hornet’s chest… he calls that “THE CLEAR!”
SB: ONE…TWO…THREE… CLEAR!
BB: And now he does the same thing to Dan Ryan! Mark Windham takes that branding iron, and now he’s just digging it into Hornet’s bloody forehead, while Timmy tries to choke out the downed Dan Ryan! Lindsay Troy is trying to get into the ring, but that knee won’t support any weight! We need help down here!
(The camera shows Hornet’s face, a veritable clichéd crimson mask. Mark Windham’s face is inches above Hornet’s, just out of frame, as he continues to hammer the end of the branding iron into the widening gash. In a quick cut, another camera shows blood welling from a cut in Ryan’s forehead as Timmy digs into his throat, and Troy tries to claw her way to Ryan’s aid. The camera pans up to Timmy Windham’s face… deranged, reveling in the carnage.)
BB: Get us out of here! This isn’t how things were supposed…. Marvin, cue the fade. Somebody get Gethard down here NOW!
SB: (singing) One shining moment…
(As the fade to black happens, the last shot is of Mark and Timmy with their backs to the cameras, one arm over each other’s shoulders, as the fans throw garbage into the ring.)
(CUTTO: Poison Ivy’s apartment in Queens. Ivy sits on her couch enslaved to her creatures of comfort: An oversized ANNIVERSARY ’99 t-shirt that was once white, but now’s taken on the personality of its owner. Worn on the edges, off-colored, but quietly radiant with a beauty and comfort damn hard to find elsewhere. Ivy pushes her rimmed glasses back up against the bridge of her nose with her left index finger and smiles in amazement.)
(CUTTO: On the television…)
(For the eleventh time in PRIMETIME history, (trust us, we know), Lights flicker! Part of the crowd screams.)
(CUTTO: As the lights come back up, the camera zooms in on Dan Ryan on the mat, blood streaming from a wound in his forehead. He’s conscious, but stunned. As the camera pulls back, Hornet stands on camera-side left, still with the branding iron in hand…and on the right…)
BB and SB: MARK WINDHAM!?
IVY: (laughing) You’re not going to believe this.
V/O: (Man’s voice) I don’t understand how you drink this crap.
(CUTTO: The television again….)
BB: Mark charges! HE JUST HIT HORNET! HE JUST BUSTED HORNET OPEN WITH THAT BRANDING IRON! GOOD LORD NO!
SB: YES! YES! DREAMS REALLY DO COME TRUE… AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE TO DEAL WITH THOSE ANIMATRONIC BEARS! PRIMETIME MOMENTS! PRIMETIME MOMENTS!
BB: Hornet dropped like a ton of bricks came down on him, and he’s bleeding severely from his forehead! Timmy Windham backs up against the ropes… he jumps to the second rope and then jumps straight down onto Hornet’s chest… he calls that “THE CLEAR!”
SB: ONE…TWO…THREE… CLEAR!
(A man walks into view holding a steaming mug of coffee. He trips gently, enabling a small measure of coffee to burn his right hand.)
IVY: Easy, grace.
(He sits down beside her as she mercifully takes the mug from his grip.)
IVY: Have trouble finding the place?
MAN: It’s a war zone in there. You’re lucky I’m in one piece.
(Ivy sips, amused by the TV.)
IVY: Look at that! (head back laughing)
(He stares at her, caring less about the program that’s the source of her amusement.)
IVY: Ssh, it’s----
(He grabs the remote off her lap and shuts the TV off.)
MAN: Turn that crap off.
(Ivy looks at him skeptically, her glasses freely sliding back down her nose. She allows herself a half-smile as he leans in. Cupping the back of her neck with one hand, she shifts her head slightly to kiss him.)
MAN: (Two inches from her face, smiling) It’s over.
(Fade to black)