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FISH FUND XIII |
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SB: Yeah that’s
exactly what this show needed, a twenty minute FISH FUND
retrospective by Seitzer. I’m sorry Buckley, but I don’t need
Rudy’s voice tracked over shoddy highlights marking the years of
my life I’ve wasted in this company. The few moments each day
I’m sober manage to accomplish that just fine. BB: Benson at the
top of his game. I’m impressed. SB: It’s the last
year of my contract Buckley. All the great ones up the level of
their play when it’s needed. BB: Right. This
next deal will have to last you and yours for the rest of your
lives. SB: Don’t cross
me, Buckley. I’m the one guy in this company that’s not afraid
to go over the middle in the clutch. BB: Forget it,
Sammy. I’m not letting you finish that set-up. SB: Curse Mama
Buckley’s maiden name! (Bill grabs a sheet
of paper lying in front Sammy and holds it up for the camera. It’s
a crude drawing of Starbucks.) BB: Folks, this is
what Sammy’s been doing all night. SB: Gimme that
Buckley, I’m not done yet. I haven’t finished landscaping the
front yet. What do you think, should I throw up a string of bushes
over Tallman’s ashes, or leave the small remnants he left behind
as a memorial of his life? BB: Good grief. SB: It’s a simple
question. BB: (slight pause)
Bushes please. But you’re too late Sammy. Deal with it. We’re
covering FISH FUND inside SB: We’re in (Sammy turns to the
row of fans behind the set) SB: (to Fan,
sarcastically) You’re such a good boy, yes it’s a crime God made
you like this, but we still looooooove you, don’t we Buckley. BB: LOOK OUT SAMMY
HERE COME THE SWEETWATER SECRET POLICE! SB: (whips around)
WHAT? (Buckley snickers) SB: Kiss it. (CUEUP: "Jack
The Ripper" by Link Wray and his Wraymen) (Fans rise in
anticipation. A buzz builds across the building)
BB: I don’t have
this on my program. Sammy... SB: I don’t do
programs, period. You know better. (Joey Melton,
looking sweet in black boots, red tights, a poncho, and a golden
sombrero strolls down the aisle grinning from ear to ear.) (Crowd pops big
time) SB: Joey! Joey over
here!! BB: Sit down you
idiot. I swear you’re like a schoolgirl sometimes. SB: Am not. BB: Fans I wasn’t
aware this has happening, but if Melton’s here, I’m surmising
it’s for the World title? Is that right? SB: He said he
bought a World title shot, not the World Title shot. I’m so
horribly confused. Hold me. (Joey plays to the
crowd before slipping between the ring ropes) BB: World title
match, apparently it’s happening now. He bought a shot, Merritt
took Melton’s money for a title shot tonight. Melton vs. Aho,
Melton vs... SB: Jo mama. Now
shush and let the man speak. (Melton mic in hand
prepares to throw down) (Fans standing in
approval. They’ve waited their whole life just for a glimpse. One
day when they die, they’ll tell their children, they saw Joey
Melton.) JOEY MELTON: SB: I’ve always
wondered what a day in the life would be... BB: Oh yeah
haven’t we all. JOEY MELTON: The
fact that Merritt’s biggest show of the year is booked under a
roof with 104,898 Texans is a testament to exactly what rock bottom
for the CSWA is. Look around kids, it’s low, and if it can any
lower the rest of your family and friends will be sobered up and
wheeled in for the SRO. (crowd cheers.
They’re drunk, what do they care.) SB: Sadly, I always
remember these promos being sharper in the early 90’s. BB: I didn’t want
to say it for fear of upsetting you. SB: It’s okay. We
all get old sooner or later. JOEY MELTON: When I
decided to come back and grace the CSWA with my presence, I made a
promise to myself that I wouldn’t waste my time re-climbing the
ladder, for the simple reason that since day one, every man in that
dressing room has been climbing to get to me. I’m the part of
history Merritt didn’t plan on, the part he didn’t create
himself. You see, I wasn’t supposed to be in this league any
longer than a week, a mere stopover to pump a new tank of gas and
collect a paycheck that amounted to a dinner for two at a local SB: Buckley you
awake. BB: Now I am,
thanks. JOEY MELTON: Ladies
and gentlemen...I bought a shot. I told you I would. Tonight Joey
Melton becomes the...WORLD JUNIOR JUNIOR champion! (Crowd sobers up real fast.) (CUEUP: "Differ'nt
Strokes" Theme) SB: It’s
happened. I’ve finally died and gone to hell. BB: We all knew it
would. SB: Perhaps now the
regret and remorse for not changing the path of my life is starting
to sink in. People told me it would, but I didn’t want to believe
them. It’s too late isn’t it? (A Mexican midget,
with a championship belt thrown over his shoulder, and wearing a
Clemson T-shirt, black tights with the wording, “GameCock”
written on the front struts down the aisle. He’s got a beautiful
three-foot woman by his side.) JOEY MELTON: The
World Junior Junior Champion, Little Love, and his manager/childhood
sweetheart/mother/bodyguard/and famous voice actor, MINI-LISSA.
(Fans start to warm up to the
idea. Little Love clears out some space and starts to breakdance in front of the
ring.) BB: And you moaned about
Seizter’s retrospective. SB: You know, Buckley I’ve
always wanted to go to BB: The great ones also make do
with what they’re given. Nice. SB: I’m thinking high
seven-figures. (Little Love and Mini-Lissa
climb in the ring and creep towards Joey. Love takes the mic out of Joey’s
hand.) LITTLE LOVE: (Big pop) JOEY MELTON: Take a good look
at this champion before me. This is what money buys in the CSWA. Small amounts
of filth. (Sweet Mini-Lissa holds Little
Love back) JOEY MELTON: Unlike Merritt, I
don’t plan on cheating any of you out of a good show tonight. If I’m to
become the World Junior Junior champion tonight, I’ll do it the old fashion
way, I’ll earrrrrrrrrn it. (Crowd pops) JOEY MELTON: First off, this
match is sanctioned by the CSML. Tonight’s bout is for the title, it is one
fall, 9.5 minute time limit. If a winner is not declared at the end of 9.5
minutes, we will then turn the match into the hands of three judges. At ringside
with us now, they are: CSWA legend Ben Flore, from the hit NBC sit-com Will and
Grace, Sean Hayes, and finally skating legend, Olympic gold medallist, and CSWA
ring rat, Kristi Yamaguchi. Now, for the other half of
you... Primero lejos, este igual es
sancionado por el CSML. Esta noche’el combate de s es para el título, es una
caída, 9.5 plazo diminuto. Si un ganador no es declarado a fines de 9.5 minutos,
nosotros entonces giraremos el igual en las manos de tres jueces. En ringside
con nosotros ahora, ellos son: leyenda de CSWA Flore Sido, del golpe NBC se
sienta com Hace y Agracia, Henos de Sean, y leyenda finalmente patinando, el
juego olímpico medallista oro, y rata de anillo de CSWA, Kristi Yamaguchi. And finally, for Kristi... Primeiro fora, esta partida está
sancionada pelo CSML. Hoje à noite’luta de s é para o título, é uma queda,
9.5 limite minúsculo de tempo. Se um vencedor nao é declarado no fim de 9.5
minutos, nós então viraremos a partida nas mãos de três juizes. Em ringside
conosco agora, eles estão: lenda de CSWA Flore Sido, de o senta-se-com de NBC
de golpe Vai Ir e Graça, Fenos de Sean, e lenda finalmente patinando, medallist
Olímpico de ouro, e rato de anel de CSWA, Yamaguchi de Kristi. BB: Good lord the man’s lost
his blasted mind. He’s speaking in tongues. SB: Buckley I don’t see any
of these people at ringside. BB: For crying out loud, Kristi
speaks English! And that was Portuguese anyway! SB: Maybe you didn’t hear me
Buckley, SHE’S NOT HERE! (Manuel Juarez runs down to the
ring carrying a large cardboard cut out.) JOEY MELTON: Tonight’s
referee is the honorable Manuel Juarez... BB: For crying out loud. SB: Don’t knock it Buckley.
Every World Champion should speak the el idioma. (Crowd’s laughing
hysterically at this point) JOEY MELTON: Little Love, if I
haven’t already made it clear, this will be by the book. (Manuel drops to one knee and
with a tape measure, checks Little Love’s height.) BB: This is.....oh man. SB: I’ve heard Little Love is
a crafty veteran. Joey’s wise to check him. BB: Oh please. (Manuel nods in approval to
Joey, then sets up the cardboard cut out next to Melton. The cut out is a giant
picture of Eddy Love, his right arm extended with the words, “Must Be This
High To Ride Rides.” Joey sheepishly stands under Love’s arm,
and just clears it.) (crowd pops) SB: We’re legal. That’s all
I ask for. BB: Don’t go further with
that one, I beg of you. ( SFX: JOEY MELTON: Wait, wait, wait.
Everything’s all square except one thing. (Little Love throws his hands
over his head. He’s past the point of being ready to go at it.) JOEY MELTON: Much like her
Daddy after her twelfth birthday I don’t trust Mini-Lissa. We need some
parental supervision down here right now. (Mini-Ivy, cane in hand, broods
down the aisle) (big pop) BB: Ten million for this? SB: Obviously, Merritt didn’t
take the offer, Buckley. BB: He must have! This is on
air is it not?! (Joey props Mini-Ivy up on the
top of a turnbuckle and gives her an open mouth kiss.) SFX: Crowd reacts in horror. (Little Love, not to be
outdone, kisses Mini-Lissa.) SB: That’s not half-bad. BB: No, that’s all bad. (Benson and Buckley laugh like
Statler and Waldorf.) (Mini-Ivy and Mini-Lissa roll
under the bottom rope, and finally we’re underway.) BB: Are we starting? SB: I started two hours before
it was mandated to be at the building, but yes we’re starting. BB: Joey Melton, drops to his
knees....collar and elbow tie-up with Little Love. Melton, hip tosses Love over!
Love up quick and charging after Melton, hip toss again! (SFX: Crowd cheers) SB: Love had Melton off his
feet but couldn’t bring it home. BB: Collar and elbow tie-up
once more....this time Little Love kicks Joey in the gut! (SFX: Crowd boos)
Headlock by Love, Joey to his feet....BACK BODY DROP! QUICK COVER,
ONE...TWO.........NO! SB: We almost had a new World
Junior, Junior Champion right there! You’re welcome. BB: Melton drops Love’s body
over the middle rope, he’s being choked to death Sammy! SB: It’s something about the
building I swear. Yet ye laugh at the Starbucks suggestion. ( BB: Joey drops his right leg
over the back of Love’s neck! Little Love’s in early trouble. Melton back on
the attack, inverted DDT! The cover, NEW CHAMPION, ONE.......TWO.......TH-NO!! SFX: Crowd Cheers. SFX: Two minutes gone by. BB: Melton in rare form
tonight. SB: I haven’t seen Mini-Lissa
this worried since her sixth grade pregnancy test. BB: Melton, RUNNING KNEE DROP!
Joey’s trying to split Love open! Sitting over Little Love now, firing away,
burying those right hands into the poor bugger’s skull. SB: We’re in BB: Very nice. Joey backs
Little Love into the ropes and shoots him across the ring, Melton falls to his
stomach, Love leapfrogs over, bounces off the ropes, Joey up, DROPKICK, BUT
NOBODY IS HOME! Melton to his feet, Little Love dropkicks Joey’s left knee!
Melton’s down, ONE....TWO...TWO AND NO MORE! SB: He’s a champion, you
wouldn’t expect anything less out of him. BB: Little Love, backs Melton
into the ropes. Joey, turns his back and grabs hold of the ropes, he’s asking SB: Shue fly! BB: Little Love KNIFE EDGE
CHOPS ON MELTON’S REAR! (SFX: WHOOO!) Another, (Whoooo), another, (Whooo). SFX: Four minutes have elapsed. SB: BB: Little Love racks Joey!
Trick elbow time! Love bounces Melton off the ropes and sends him across the
ring, Love hits the mat, Melton jumps over, off the ropes, FLYING CLOTHESLINE BY
MELTON!! NOOOOOOO! Little Love countered, he’s got the arm, CROSS-FACE
CHICKENWING! SUBMISSION MOVE RIGHT HERE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! SB: Honestly? No. BB: This is about to turn so,
so real for Joey Melton! Love’s got that Cross-face chicken wing hooked in
tight! He’s not getting out of it! SFX: Five minutes remain. SB: The man’s held every belt
in the CSWA at one time or another. He’ll get out of it Buckley. (Joey taps, but SB: It’s the great plaything
of Oz! BB: Come on Manuel get a hold
of the situation! (Mini-Ivy CANES SB: I think that went well. BB: Joey is tapping for dear
life...here comes Mini-Ivy, noooooo...CANE SHOT TO THE HEAD! Little Love is
busted open! SB: Careful, Ivy, you don’t
eat the tail. BB: Here comes Mini-Lissa!
Lissa, roundhouse kick attempt, but she misses.....(SFX: Crack). Cane
shot.....Little Love to his feet, (SFX: Whamp) A double for Love. Mini-Lissa
stumbles to her feet, (SFX: Pop) Yuh-ikes, Sammy. SB: We got dead midgets left
and right, I told you Buckley, DO NOT REBUILD THIS PARK! Doesn’t anybody here
read Stephen King novels? BB: Joey’s slumped back in
the corner watching it all like a proud father. (Mini-Ivy throws her right arm
in the air and plays to the crowd.) (CUE UP: “Hell’s Bells”
– AC/DC, as Poison Ivy enters the arena to a massive pop.) BB: POISON IVY! POISON IVY IS
ON HER WAY TO THE RING! SB: I think you’ve been too
long in the sun, Buckley… Poison Ivy is ALREADY in the ring. BB: The REAL Ivy, Sammy! Get
a clue, will you? (Sammy looks in the ring,
long and hard.) SB: OOOOOOOhhhhhh… I just
assumed the Feminazi had simply decided to reduce herself to the point I could
actually STAND her. Mini- Ivy is just enough Ivy for Sammy to be happy. (Ivy slides into the ring
underneath the bottom rope, and while she’s trying to scowl at Melton and
Mini- Ivy and the entire mess, she simply busts out laughing.) BB: Look in the ring, fans…
I think that sums this match up. SB: Look in the ring and
you’ll see our first World Champion, a pair of midgets trying to be the First
Couple of wrestling, another midget trying to be the source of all evil, and the
source of all evil laughing at it all. This match is a metaphor for the last
fourteen years of CSWA wrestling, Buckley. BB: The sad part is that
you’re probably close to the mark. (As Ivy continues to laugh at
the entire mess before her, Mini- Ivy pokes her in the arm with her SB: Poison Ivy… holding a
big stick… in the ring with three midgets. All you Sammy Benson fans out
there, please forgive me for a small bit of blasphemy… GO IVY! BB: Now I’ve seen it all. (Mini- Ivy doesn’t stop
with the loss of her Singapore Cane – she shoves Ivy backwards, stomps on her
foot, and tries to throw some punches. Finally losing her patience, Ivy shoves
her backwards and brings her cane down on top of Mini- Ivy’s head, knocking
her out cold.) SB: One midget down… it’s
Miller time. (Ivy turns around, coming
face- to- face with Melton himself. She raises the cane as if she’s going to
cane Melton as well, but begins to laugh again, points at the former World
Champion, and slides out of the ring.) SFX: Three minutes, three
minutes remain. BB: Melton’s laughing his
butt off, even he can’t believe it. Listen to this place, Sammy. 104,000 plus
screaming for Ivy. SB: She’s about their speed. BB: Melton covers Love’s
fallen body. ONE......TWO.....NO! Joey pulled Love up. That could be.....never
mind. Joey brings Love to his feet, SLINGSHOT SUPLEX! (SFX: Crowd cheers) SB: Playtime is over Buckley,
the master is goin’ to work now. BB: Melton setting up Little
Love up, this is the end right there. SB: How are you so sure? BB: I’m not, I’m praying
Sammy. Melton, PILEDRIVER! Oh sweet mama Cass. SB: Bubba Gump Shrimp...it’s
a household name. (SFX: Two minutes, two minutes
remain. BB: Melton plays to the crowd,
he senses another World title is near. (SFX: Joey! Joey!) Joey’s holding up
four fingers, Sammy...can he get the figure four hooked in? SB: At this point... BB: You’re right. (Little Love reaches behind
Joey and rolls him up) BB: LOVE ROLLS UP MELTON, (Crowd
goes wild!) SB: I don’t have the
strength. Wait, yeah I do. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BB: Little Love has just pulled
off the greatest upset in CSWA history! We have bedlam in (Love hugs a beaten Mini-Lissa,
belt slung over his shoulder) BB: Melton is beside himself!
He’s got SB: (crying) It’s Ali vs.
Leon Spinks all over again. It just shouldn’t have happened. ( BB: What in the world? ( Rhubarb: Ladies and Gentlemen,
do to a rules infraction, El Amor pequeño has been disqualified. (Little Love is shocked. Joey
grabs the mic.) JOEY MELTON: (to a woman in the
front row) Moby Dick, keep your mouth shut! By the book Love, what don’t you
understand about that. You’re a half-inch over the limit. Before the match you
check out, now you don’t. What are you trying to pull? (CUTTO: Little Love looks into a camera, visibly shaken.) LITTLE LOVE: I’m growing.
I’m growing. Ohhhhhhh, I’m growing... si si si....... JOEY MELTON: It doesn’t
matter. I’m not accepting the match this way. (The bell rings again.) (Joey reaches into his tights.
Little Love, tears strolling down his face, turns around.) BB: A RESTART? This is absurd. (Joey clocks Love with brass
knuckles and the crowd goes wild!) SB: Atta boy! BB: This is sick! Melton, off
the ropes, elbow drop across Love’s chest. This is
it......ONE.........TWO...........THREE! (SFX: Big Pop) We’ve got a new World
Junior, Junior Champion. Highway robbery here tonight, folks. SB: Pipe down Buckley. If not
the better man, the taller man won tonight. For most things in life that’s
good enough. (Melton falls to his knees in
the ring, clutching the belt) BB: I’m speechless. Wow. (Little Love has the tape
measure in his hand, rechecking the last measurement.) SB: Can we just end the show
here and forget this ever happened? Really I think that’s best. (Joey walks up the aisle, belt
fastened over his waist, soaking the crowd up.) BB: That was the worst nine and
a half minutes of my life. SB: It was longer than that,
Buckley, with the introductions and all. BB: Oh geez you’re right.
This was Melton’s big surprise? What can you really say at this point? SB: Let me try something and
you tell me if it works. BB: Fire away. SB: Rudy, back to you. |
