CSWA

FISH FUND TRIVIA
The darkest days of FISH FUND mirrored the darker days of the CSWA.  In 1991, the Fund was taken over by a stable led by a woman who had been 'helped' by the Fund.

The "Foundation," led by Myra, led the CSWA into one of the most convoluted, inane angles of all time, in which no one really knew which side they were on.  It even led to a competing PPV...which bombed.

It's a wonder the CSWA ever was able to go national in 1992, isn't it?

 

FISH FUND XIII

Intros - Past
Intros - Present
Card Lineup
Top Contenders Tag
Backstage Disharmony
Presidential Title Match
The Pros Talk Bid-Ness
Greensboro Title Match
Melton Takes On The World



BB: Thanks Rudy, great piece.

SB: Yeah that’s exactly what this show needed, a twenty minute FISH FUND retrospective by Seitzer. I’m sorry Buckley, but I don’t need Rudy’s voice tracked over shoddy highlights marking the years of my life I’ve wasted in this company. The few moments each day I’m sober manage to accomplish that just fine.

BB: Benson at the top of his game. I’m impressed.

SB: It’s the last year of my contract Buckley. All the great ones up the level of their play when it’s needed.

BB: Right. This next deal will have to last you and yours for the rest of your lives.

SB: Don’t cross me, Buckley. I’m the one guy in this company that’s not afraid to go over the middle in the clutch.

BB: Forget it, Sammy. I’m not letting you finish that set-up.

SB: Curse Mama Buckley’s maiden name!

(Bill grabs a sheet of paper lying in front Sammy and holds it up for the camera. It’s a crude drawing of Starbucks.)

BB: Folks, this is what Sammy’s been doing all night.

SB: Gimme that Buckley, I’m not done yet. I haven’t finished landscaping the front yet. What do you think, should I throw up a string of bushes over Tallman’s ashes, or leave the small remnants he left behind as a memorial of his life?

BB: Good grief.

SB: It’s a simple question.

BB: (slight pause) Bushes please. But you’re too late Sammy. Deal with it. We’re covering FISH FUND inside FISH FUND PARK two. And nobody is goin’ tear it down now to throw up a Starbucks. Though I might have voted for that option myself if it had been properly presented in a board meeting.

SB: We’re in Fish Fund Park ? Interesting. For a second I thought I was finishing up my community service inside a Hell’s kitchen for the mentally retarded.

(Sammy turns to the row of fans behind the set)

SB: (to Fan, sarcastically) You’re such a good boy, yes it’s a crime God made you like this, but we still looooooove you, don’t we Buckley.

BB: LOOK OUT SAMMY HERE COME THE SWEETWATER SECRET POLICE!

SB: (whips around) WHAT?

(Buckley snickers)

SB: Kiss it.

(CUEUP: "Jack The Ripper" by Link Wray and his Wraymen)

(Fans rise in anticipation. A buzz builds across the building) 

BB: I don’t have this on my program. Sammy...

SB: I don’t do programs, period. You know better.

(Joey Melton, looking sweet in black boots, red tights, a poncho, and a golden sombrero strolls down the aisle grinning from ear to ear.)

(Crowd pops big time)

SB: Joey! Joey over here!!

BB: Sit down you idiot. I swear you’re like a schoolgirl sometimes.

SB: Am not.

BB: Fans I wasn’t aware this has happening, but if Melton’s here, I’m surmising it’s for the World title? Is that right?

SB: He said he bought a World title shot, not the World Title shot. I’m so horribly confused. Hold me.

(Joey plays to the crowd before slipping between the ring ropes)

BB: World title match, apparently it’s happening now. He bought a shot, Merritt took Melton’s money for a title shot tonight. Melton vs. Aho, Melton vs...

SB: Jo mama. Now shush and let the man speak.

(Melton mic in hand prepares to throw down)

(Fans standing in approval. They’ve waited their whole life just for a glimpse. One day when they die, they’ll tell their children, they saw Joey Melton.)

JOEY MELTON: Sweetwater , Texas ... (crowd cheers) I said Sweetwater , Texas (crowd cheers louder) you think you know, but you have no idea! Introducing the diary, of Joey Melton.

SB: I’ve always wondered what a day in the life would be...

BB: Oh yeah haven’t we all.

JOEY MELTON: The fact that Merritt’s biggest show of the year is booked under a roof with 104,898 Texans is a testament to exactly what rock bottom for the CSWA is. Look around kids, it’s low, and if it can any lower the rest of your family and friends will be sobered up and wheeled in for the SRO.

(crowd cheers. They’re drunk, what do they care.)

SB: Sadly, I always remember these promos being sharper in the early 90’s.

BB: I didn’t want to say it for fear of upsetting you.

SB: It’s okay. We all get old sooner or later.

JOEY MELTON: When I decided to come back and grace the CSWA with my presence, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t waste my time re-climbing the ladder, for the simple reason that since day one, every man in that dressing room has been climbing to get to me. I’m the part of history Merritt didn’t plan on, the part he didn’t create himself. You see, I wasn’t supposed to be in this league any longer than a week, a mere stopover to pump a new tank of gas and collect a paycheck that amounted to a dinner for two at a local Greensboro steakhouse. We all know CSWA history, it’s taught in every Sweetwater classroom. I came back to reclaim what was mine, and take over the league I created, not Merritt or Thomas. But I found the reception a little cold. Maybe Chad wished I would have turned back and climbed into bed with my son’s Swedish nanny again, but to quote Jerry McGuire, I’m not..built that way. So I offered the wicked King of the East, ten million for one chance to retake my gold. But Chad relented, because he knew, once chance was all I’d need. Well, boys and girls, just a few days ago a deal was finally struck, and Merritt accepted. The bottom line can’t be denied, can it Chad ? You need me to line your pockets, and the good news for you is, I’m high enough currently to do it. Right here and now, at FISH FUND XIII, I will get a world title shot! (SFX: Big pop)

SB: Buckley you awake.

BB: Now I am, thanks.

JOEY MELTON: Ladies and gentlemen...I bought a shot. I told you I would. Tonight Joey Melton becomes the...WORLD JUNIOR JUNIOR champion!

(Crowd sobers up real fast.)

(CUEUP: "Differ'nt Strokes" Theme)

SB: It’s happened. I’ve finally died and gone to hell.

BB: We all knew it would.

SB: Perhaps now the regret and remorse for not changing the path of my life is starting to sink in. People told me it would, but I didn’t want to believe them. It’s too late isn’t it?

(A Mexican midget, with a championship belt thrown over his shoulder, and wearing a Clemson T-shirt, black tights with the wording, “GameCock” written on the front struts down the aisle. He’s got a beautiful three-foot woman by his side.)

JOEY MELTON: The World Junior Junior Champion, Little Love, and his manager/childhood sweetheart/mother/bodyguard/and famous voice actor, MINI-LISSA.  

"World Junior Jr." Championship
Joey Melton Takes On The World

Joey Melton vs. Little Love

(Fans start to warm up to the idea. Little Love clears out some space and starts to breakdance in front of the ring.)

BB: And you moaned about Seizter’s retrospective.

SB: You know, Buckley I’ve always wanted to go to Paris and see the Mini-Lissa, but I’ve never found the time.

BB: The great ones also make do with what they’re given. Nice.

SB: I’m thinking high seven-figures.

(Little Love and Mini-Lissa climb in the ring and creep towards Joey. Love takes the mic out of Joey’s hand.)

LITTLE LOVE: Sweetwater , Texas you think you know, but you have---- (Melton bends down and whispers in Love’s ear)  Oh. Okay then. When Little Love goes to the fair he always comes back with the Teddy bear.

(Big pop)

JOEY MELTON: Take a good look at this champion before me. This is what money buys in the CSWA. Small amounts of filth.

(Sweet Mini-Lissa holds Little Love back)

JOEY MELTON: Unlike Merritt, I don’t plan on cheating any of you out of a good show tonight. If I’m to become the World Junior Junior champion tonight, I’ll do it the old fashion way, I’ll earrrrrrrrrn it.

(Crowd pops)

JOEY MELTON: First off, this match is sanctioned by the CSML. Tonight’s bout is for the title, it is one fall, 9.5 minute time limit. If a winner is not declared at the end of 9.5 minutes, we will then turn the match into the hands of three judges. At ringside with us now, they are: CSWA legend Ben Flore, from the hit NBC sit-com Will and Grace, Sean Hayes, and finally skating legend, Olympic gold medallist, and CSWA ring rat, Kristi Yamaguchi.

Now, for the other half of you...

Primero lejos, este igual es sancionado por el CSML. Esta noche’el combate de s es para el título, es una caída, 9.5 plazo diminuto. Si un ganador no es declarado a fines de 9.5 minutos, nosotros entonces giraremos el igual en las manos de tres jueces. En ringside con nosotros ahora, ellos son: leyenda de CSWA Flore Sido, del golpe NBC se sienta com Hace y Agracia, Henos de Sean, y leyenda finalmente patinando, el juego olímpico medallista oro, y rata de anillo de CSWA, Kristi Yamaguchi.

And finally, for Kristi...

Primeiro fora, esta partida está sancionada pelo CSML. Hoje à noite’luta de s é para o título, é uma queda, 9.5 limite minúsculo de tempo. Se um vencedor nao é declarado no fim de 9.5 minutos, nós então viraremos a partida nas mãos de três juizes. Em ringside conosco agora, eles estão: lenda de CSWA Flore Sido, de o senta-se-com de NBC de golpe Vai Ir e Graça, Fenos de Sean, e lenda finalmente patinando, medallist Olímpico de ouro, e rato de anel de CSWA, Yamaguchi de Kristi.

BB: Good lord the man’s lost his blasted mind. He’s speaking in tongues.

SB: Buckley I don’t see any of these people at ringside.

BB: For crying out loud, Kristi speaks English! And that was Portuguese anyway!

SB: Maybe you didn’t hear me Buckley, SHE’S NOT HERE!

(Manuel Juarez runs down to the ring carrying a large cardboard cut out.)

JOEY MELTON: Tonight’s referee is the honorable Manuel Juarez... Esta noche’árbitro de s es el Manuel Juarez honorable...

BB: For crying out loud.

SB: Don’t knock it Buckley. Every World Champion should speak the el idioma.

(Crowd’s laughing hysterically at this point)

JOEY MELTON: Little Love, if I haven’t already made it clear, this will be by the book.

(Manuel drops to one knee and with a tape measure, checks Little Love’s height.)

BB: This is.....oh man.

SB: I’ve heard Little Love is a crafty veteran. Joey’s wise to check him.

BB: Oh please.

(Manuel nods in approval to Joey, then sets up the cardboard cut out next to Melton. The cut out is a giant picture of Eddy Love, his right arm extended with the words, “Must Be This High To Ride Rides.”   Joey sheepishly stands under Love’s arm, and just clears it.)

(crowd pops)

SB: We’re legal. That’s all I ask for.

BB: Don’t go further with that one, I beg of you.

( Juarez shows the World Junior Junior belt to both wrestlers, then hands it out of the ring.)

SFX: Bell Rings.

JOEY MELTON: Wait, wait, wait. Everything’s all square except one thing.

(Little Love throws his hands over his head. He’s past the point of being ready to go at it.)

JOEY MELTON: Much like her Daddy after her twelfth birthday I don’t trust Mini-Lissa. We need some parental supervision down here right now.

(Mini-Ivy, cane in hand, broods down the aisle)

(big pop)

BB: Ten million for this?

SB: Obviously, Merritt didn’t take the offer, Buckley.

BB: He must have! This is on air is it not?!

(Joey props Mini-Ivy up on the top of a turnbuckle and gives her an open mouth kiss.)

SFX: Crowd reacts in horror.

(Little Love, not to be outdone, kisses Mini-Lissa.)

SB: That’s not half-bad.

BB: No, that’s all bad.

(Benson and Buckley laugh like Statler and Waldorf.)

(Mini-Ivy and Mini-Lissa roll under the bottom rope, and finally we’re underway.)

BB: Are we starting?

SB: I started two hours before it was mandated to be at the building, but yes we’re starting.

BB: Joey Melton, drops to his knees....collar and elbow tie-up with Little Love. Melton, hip tosses Love over! Love up quick and charging after Melton, hip toss again! (SFX: Crowd cheers)

SB: Love had Melton off his feet but couldn’t bring it home.

BB: Collar and elbow tie-up once more....this time Little Love kicks Joey in the gut! (SFX: Crowd boos) Headlock by Love, Joey to his feet....BACK BODY DROP! QUICK COVER, ONE...TWO.........NO!

SB: We almost had a new World Junior, Junior Champion right there! You’re welcome.

BB: Melton drops Love’s body over the middle rope, he’s being choked to death Sammy!

SB: It’s something about the building I swear. Yet ye laugh at the Starbucks suggestion.

( Juarez calls for a clean break.)

BB: Joey drops his right leg over the back of Love’s neck! Little Love’s in early trouble. Melton back on the attack, inverted DDT! The cover, NEW CHAMPION, ONE.......TWO.......TH-NO!!

SFX: Crowd Cheers.

SFX: Two minutes gone by.

BB: Melton in rare form tonight.

SB: I haven’t seen Mini-Lissa this worried since her sixth grade pregnancy test.

BB: Melton, RUNNING KNEE DROP! Joey’s trying to split Love open! Sitting over Little Love now, firing away, burying those right hands into the poor bugger’s skull.

SB: We’re in Texas , so what the hell. Melton’s grilling a shrimp here tonight.

BB: Very nice. Joey backs Little Love into the ropes and shoots him across the ring, Melton falls to his stomach, Love leapfrogs over, bounces off the ropes, Joey up, DROPKICK, BUT NOBODY IS HOME! Melton to his feet, Little Love dropkicks Joey’s left knee! Melton’s down, ONE....TWO...TWO AND NO MORE!

SB: He’s a champion, you wouldn’t expect anything less out of him.

BB: Little Love, backs Melton into the ropes. Joey, turns his back and grabs hold of the ropes, he’s asking Juarez to get Love away.

SB: Shue fly!

BB: Little Love KNIFE EDGE CHOPS ON MELTON’S REAR! (SFX: WHOOO!) Another, (Whoooo), another, (Whooo).

SFX: Four minutes have elapsed.

SB: Fish Fund Park , now serving soft serve ice cream and soft porn. Apparently Merritt got my memo last week.

BB: Little Love racks Joey! Trick elbow time! Love bounces Melton off the ropes and sends him across the ring, Love hits the mat, Melton jumps over, off the ropes, FLYING CLOTHESLINE BY MELTON!! NOOOOOOO! Little Love countered, he’s got the arm, CROSS-FACE CHICKENWING! SUBMISSION MOVE RIGHT HERE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!

SB: Honestly? No.

BB: This is about to turn so, so real for Joey Melton! Love’s got that Cross-face chicken wing hooked in tight! He’s not getting out of it!

SFX: Five minutes remain.

SB: The man’s held every belt in the CSWA at one time or another. He’ll get out of it Buckley.

(Joey taps, but Juarez has left to try and stop Mini-Ivy, who rolls into the ring.)

SB: It’s the great plaything of Oz!

BB: Come on Manuel get a hold of the situation!

(Mini-Ivy CANES Juarez )

SB: I think that went well.

BB: Joey is tapping for dear life...here comes Mini-Ivy, noooooo...CANE SHOT TO THE HEAD! Little Love is busted open!

SB: Careful, Ivy, you don’t eat the tail.

BB: Here comes Mini-Lissa! Lissa, roundhouse kick attempt, but she misses.....(SFX: Crack). Cane shot.....Little Love to his feet, (SFX: Whamp) A double for Love. Mini-Lissa stumbles to her feet, (SFX: Pop) Yuh-ikes, Sammy.

SB: We got dead midgets left and right, I told you Buckley, DO NOT REBUILD THIS PARK! Doesn’t anybody here read Stephen King novels?

BB: Joey’s slumped back in the corner watching it all like a proud father.

(Mini-Ivy throws her right arm in the air and plays to the crowd.)

(CUE UP: “Hell’s Bells” – AC/DC, as Poison Ivy enters the arena to a massive pop.)

BB: POISON IVY! POISON IVY IS ON HER WAY TO THE RING!

SB: I think you’ve been too long in the sun, Buckley… Poison Ivy is ALREADY in the ring.

BB: The REAL Ivy, Sammy! Get a clue, will you?

(Sammy looks in the ring, long and hard.)

SB: OOOOOOOhhhhhh… I just assumed the Feminazi had simply decided to reduce herself to the point I could actually STAND her. Mini- Ivy is just enough Ivy for Sammy to be happy.

(Ivy slides into the ring underneath the bottom rope, and while she’s trying to scowl at Melton and Mini- Ivy and the entire mess, she simply busts out laughing.)

BB: Look in the ring, fans… I think that sums this match up.

SB: Look in the ring and you’ll see our first World Champion, a pair of midgets trying to be the First Couple of wrestling, another midget trying to be the source of all evil, and the source of all evil laughing at it all. This match is a metaphor for the last fourteen years of CSWA wrestling, Buckley.

BB: The sad part is that you’re probably close to the mark.

(As Ivy continues to laugh at the entire mess before her, Mini- Ivy pokes her in the arm with her Singapore Cane. Real- Ivy shoots her a look, and grabs the stick out of her hands to a massive pop.)

SB: Poison Ivy… holding a big stick… in the ring with three midgets. All you Sammy Benson fans out there, please forgive me for a small bit of blasphemy… GO IVY!

BB: Now I’ve seen it all.

(Mini- Ivy doesn’t stop with the loss of her Singapore Cane – she shoves Ivy backwards, stomps on her foot, and tries to throw some punches. Finally losing her patience, Ivy shoves her backwards and brings her cane down on top of Mini- Ivy’s head, knocking her out cold.)

SB: One midget down… it’s Miller time.

(Ivy turns around, coming face- to- face with Melton himself. She raises the cane as if she’s going to cane Melton as well, but begins to laugh again, points at the former World Champion, and slides out of the ring.)

SFX: Three minutes, three minutes remain.

BB: Melton’s laughing his butt off, even he can’t believe it. Listen to this place, Sammy. 104,000 plus screaming for Ivy.

SB: She’s about their speed.

BB: Melton covers Love’s fallen body. ONE......TWO.....NO! Joey pulled Love up. That could be.....never mind. Joey brings Love to his feet, SLINGSHOT SUPLEX! (SFX: Crowd cheers)

SB: Playtime is over Buckley, the master is goin’ to work now.

BB: Melton setting up Little Love up, this is the end right there.

SB: How are you so sure?

BB: I’m not, I’m praying Sammy. Melton, PILEDRIVER! Oh sweet mama Cass.

SB: Bubba Gump Shrimp...it’s a household name.

(SFX: Two minutes, two minutes remain. )

BB: Melton plays to the crowd, he senses another World title is near. (SFX: Joey! Joey!) Joey’s holding up four fingers, Sammy...can he get the figure four hooked in?

SB: At this point...

BB: You’re right.

(Little Love reaches behind Joey and rolls him up)

BB: LOVE ROLLS UP MELTON, JUAREZ COUNTS, ONE......TWO....THREEEEEEEEEEEEE! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! Little Love has just pinned former CSWA World Heavyweight Champion Joey Melton!

(Crowd goes wild!)

SB: I don’t have the strength. Wait, yeah I do. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BB: Little Love has just pulled off the greatest upset in CSWA history! We have bedlam in Sweetwater , Texas !

(Love hugs a beaten Mini-Lissa, belt slung over his shoulder)

BB: Melton is beside himself! He’s got Juarez by the collar and he throws him to the mat!

SB: (crying) It’s Ali vs. Leon Spinks all over again. It just shouldn’t have happened.

( Juarez pulls out the tape measure again, and measures Little Love.)

BB: What in the world?

( Juarez waves off the match.)

Rhubarb: Ladies and Gentlemen, do to a rules infraction, El Amor pequeño has been disqualified.

(Little Love is shocked. Joey grabs the mic.)   (Crowd boos.)

JOEY MELTON: (to a woman in the front row) Moby Dick, keep your mouth shut! By the book Love, what don’t you understand about that. You’re a half-inch over the limit. Before the match you check out, now you don’t. What are you trying to pull?

(CUTTO: Little Love looks into a camera, visibly shaken.)

LITTLE LOVE: I’m growing. I’m growing. Ohhhhhhh, I’m growing... si si si.......

JOEY MELTON: It doesn’t matter. I’m not accepting the match this way. Juarez restart this thing right now.

(The bell rings again.)

(Joey reaches into his tights. Little Love, tears strolling down his face, turns around.)

BB: A RESTART? This is absurd.

(Joey clocks Love with brass knuckles and the crowd goes wild!)

SB: Atta boy!

BB: This is sick! Melton, off the ropes, elbow drop across Love’s chest. This is it......ONE.........TWO...........THREE! (SFX: Big Pop) We’ve got a new World Junior, Junior Champion. Highway robbery here tonight, folks.

SB: Pipe down Buckley. If not the better man, the taller man won tonight. For most things in life that’s good enough.

(Melton falls to his knees in the ring, clutching the belt)

BB: I’m speechless. Wow.

(Little Love has the tape measure in his hand, rechecking the last measurement.)

SB: Can we just end the show here and forget this ever happened? Really I think that’s best.

(Joey walks up the aisle, belt fastened over his waist, soaking the crowd up.)

BB: That was the worst nine and a half minutes of my life.

SB: It was longer than that, Buckley, with the introductions and all.

BB: Oh geez you’re right. This was Melton’s big surprise? What can you really say at this point?

SB: Let me try something and you tell me if it works.

BB: Fire away.

SB: Rudy, back to you.

 
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