BB: OK, we’re back here on CSWA PRuh… iTV, and I am NOT enjoying this, nor do I find this amusing!

SB: There’s nothing funny about President Mayfield! He came out here and laid down the law, and it would be UNAMERICAN for you to challenge the President’s integrity! What are you, a communist?

BB: I’m not paying attention to you anymore, Sammy.

SB: Hey, no skin off my nose.

BB: In any event, we now have to go to the ring, for our next match, which is billed as a ‘Presidential Challenge’ match, with Presidential Champion, Eddie Mayfield, and … we’re not sure exactly what he’s up to, so let’s just find out.

SB: YEAH! I LOVE this President! He’s already better than Dubya!

(Just then, we hear those klaxons again, and the arena gets bathed in red! Suddenly, we hear the robotic warning of ‘INTURDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!’ CUTTO: A bunch of smart-asses in the cheap seats holding up an American Flag and saluting! ‘Hail to the Chief’ – Intruder Mix plays, and the crowd gets vocal! RUHBARB JONES is in the ring front and center, Ref PEE WEE TROUTMAN is in the corner, chilling.)

RHUBARB JONES: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN – THIS IS A SPECIAL PRESIDENTIAL CHALLENGE MATCH! AND NOW, COMING TO THE RING AT THIS TIME, HE IS A CURRENT UNIFIED WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPION, AND THE CSWA PRESIDENTIAL CHAMPION! FROM JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA… WELCOME ‘HOT PROPERTY’ EDDDDDDDDDDD-DEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYFIEEEEELD!

(CUTTO: The CSWAVision screen, which shows images of MAYFIELD in various modes of causing trouble: Him on the mic in the ring, framed by a section of fans bowing in reverence like Wayne and Garth from Wayne’s World; Going toe-to-toe with Evan Aho; Walking down the ring with Craig Miles in full-on ‘PRO MODE’, wearing Peacock robes, strutting with the tagteam belts around their waists; Dropping some schmuck on his head with the ‘Screwjob’ Spinning Tombstone; Him and the rest of the Intruders in the ring at FISH FUND, celebrating! We see MAYFIELD walk out, dressed for the ring in his usual black PVC tightpants, but this time there’s red, white and blue flames running up the legs, and stitched on the behind, the phrase ‘Hail to the Chief’. Black wrist and hand tape, Camel hanging out of the face, 30% tint pimpshades, and the Presidential title around the waist finish off the look! Behind him walks BANDIT, still in the sleeveless-by-force black suit jacket, Harley Davidson bandana, leather pants and biker boots, carrying both WORLD tag team titles on one shoulder! MAYFIELD gets to the ring, knees up to the apron, wipes his feet and steps through the ropes and hits the turnbuckles, raising his Victory pose!)

BB: I’m already SICK of Eddie Mayfield. It’s definitely official.

SB: You better shush! You heard what he said! YOU can be REPLACED!

BB: I’m not going anywhere. I don’t believe in this trash.

(MAYFIELD points at BANDIT, and signals for a mic! BANDIT starts making his way over to RHUBARB, snarling, but he tosses the mic over QUICKLY, before anyone gets hurt! BANDIT brushes it off and hands it over to MAYFIELD.)

MAYFIELD: “Ok, Barbie, hit the f[BLEEEEEEP!] bricks. When I’m in the ring, EYE own this f[BLEEEEP!] mic,” (Some of the crowd boos, as JONES dejectedly leaves the ring) Yeah, that’s BETTER. (Turns to the hard camera) HELLO, FRIENDS AND FAMILY, AND WELCOME TO THE TWENTY THIRD ANNUAL CSWA PRESIDENTIAL CHALLENGE! (Boos! CUTTO: BANDIT growling at no one in particular)

BB: Twenty-Third? What the hell…?

MAYFIELD: Now, let’s settle down – I know you’re all excited. (Crowd keeps the buzz) Now, a week or so ago, I told the world that here on MY SHOW, iTV, I would hold a Presidential Challenge for my title tonight. What is a Presidential Challenge, you may ask? I thought I’d make my first title defense interesting, so I came up with the idea to let ANY Ex-Presidential dood come out here and challenge me for this belt. (Rubs the PREZ title on his waist) So who wants sommadis? COME ON OUT HERE!

BB: Wow! That’s actually a great idea! Maybe I had Mayfield all wrong here… The Presidential title has been around the waist of some of the biggest names in the CSWA! The Triple X’es, Eli Flairs…Tom Adlers… ANYBODY could come from behind the curtain!

SB: I’m on eggshells, Buckley!

(The crowd is buzzing like a nest of angry wasps, as finally some music cuts on – which sounds like music from the History Channel!)

BB: I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! THAT’S … OH LORD!

SB: HA! THAT’S GEORGE WASHINGTON!

(CUTTO: The ramp, where an elderly man who is a dead ringer for GEORGE WASHINGTON walks out, wearing a patriotic singlet, and old school calf-high boots! He’s carrying a hatchet, and collegiate wrestling headgear over a powder wig! MAYFIELD plays it cool the whole time, acting like nothing is out of the ordinary!)

BB: Eddie Mayfield is dragging wrestling through the mud right now, bringing some man out here dressed like our nation’s first president, and this man looks old as the hills – you can’t tell me that this is actually gonna go through…

SB: Hey, he’s got a hatchet!

(WASHINGTON slowly climbs in the ring, and starts hopping back and forth like Brock Lesnar, rolling out the neck! MAYFIELD is trying to hold in laughter as he calls him over to the middle of the ring.)

MAYFIELD: (Bent over, snickering) Ok… Ok man… Come here for a minute. (EDDIE puts his arm around the old man, who smiles at the camera with grey teeth) Now, I hear a lot of boos out there in the stands, and a lot of calls of BULLS[BLEEP!] from these marks, because… GUESS WHAT? (WASHINGTON: “What?”) they don’t BELIEVE ME. They don’t think you’re REALLY Geo Washington, my man! So I’m gonna ask you, right here… and remember, you’re UNDER OATH… (WASHINGTON nods excitedly, his turkey neck flapping) Sir, ARE YOU INDEED, The first President, George Washington? (EDDIE places the mic in front of the old man’s face)

WASHINGTON: (Looking down at his hatchet) “Eddie Mayfield… I CANNOT TELL A LIE. (Looks up) I AM GEORGE WASHINGTON.” (Crowd explodes with boos or laughter!)

BB: STOP THIS! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

MAYFIELD: Cool, that’s all I needed to hear. Ref, ring the bell. (Bell rings! MAYFIELD walks to a corner and strips off the Presidential title, and BANDIT never leaves the ring. WASHINGTON trots over to the ropes and hands a ring bimbo his hatchet, when…)

BB: OH NO! Eddie Mayfield just sneak attacked that old man! (Crowd is screaming!) That’s not George Washington, He’s dead, for Pete’s Sake!

SB: That’s a shame, that you won’t let George Washington into your life. Why disown the man? He’s a real person with feelings, Yunno!

BB: Eddie Mayfield is making a mockery of CSWA, by expecting us to believe this is a fair match, and he’s just backshot this old man, as he’s clubbing him down with hard right hands, and he’s still got that cigarette in his mouth! That huge bodyguard of the Intruders, Bandit, is standing in the corner of the ring, and he’s just looking on as Mayfield drags the man into the corner, and OH MAN! HARD RIGHT HAND TO… Uh…

SB: STOP IGNORING THE TRUTH! THAT’S GEORGE WASHINGTON!

BB: ARGH! (Cheers!) WASHINGTON JUST SPUN EDDIE AROUND, AND NOW HE’S IN THE CORNER! Washington reels back, (SFX: A GUNSHOT! The crowd WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO’S!) OH WHAT A CHOP! Washington just pasted a knife-edge on Mayfield that almost drew blood! (SFX: Another shot! ANOTHER! More WHOOOOOOO’S from the crowd!) WOW! He’s gonna chop Mayfield in half!

SB: He was lethal with hatchets back in his day, Buckley. It’s what he does!

BB: Mayfield trying to get out of the corner, and Washington goes to whip Mayfield out, and NO! MAYFIELD REVERSES IT RIGHT INTO (SFX: A loud POP!) RIGHT INTO BANDIT’S LINE OF SIGHT! BANDIT JUST SLAPPED A HAND AROUND GEORGE WASHINGTONS THROAT! LOOKIT THAT MAN’S FACE! HE’S IN TERROR!

SB: DO IT! DO IT!

BB: Mayfield on one knee, holding his arm across his breastbone, ordering Bandit to do the deed! That old man, in abject HORROR, scratching at the arms of Bandit for an escape… BANDIT LOOKS AT HIM AND SHAKES HIM AROUND LIKE A RAGDOLL, THEN POINTS TO THE SKY! HE HEAVES HIM UHHHHHHHHHP AND DOWN! OH GOOD LORD! CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM! (Crowd explodes as WASHINGTON hits ground zero! On impact, a set of dentures eject from the mans mouth!) NO! BANDIT MAY HAVE KILLED THIS MAN!

SB: HECK YES!

BB: Eddie Mayfield walking around, laughing his butt off, and coughing, and he starts putting the boots to this old man, and he’s not putting up a fight at all! Mayfield scoops the man up, and he whips him into the ropes… Eddie catches him and leans back… HOTSHOT ACROSS THE ROPES! Mayfield back to his feet, and he kicks Washington’s wooden teeth outta the ring, and he’s calling for the Screwjob! That’s Mayfield’s finishing maneuver! Eddie picks the lifeless man up, and scoops him up into position, and SPINS AND BOOM! SCREWJOB! He just DROVE that poor man’s head into the mat! Eddie Mayfield drops down and yells for the ref to make the cover, and… OH COME ON! Mayfield hooking the leg!

SB: You can never be too sure!

BB: Troutman with the count… (Crowd counts along) ONE… TWO… THREE. This is just WRONG.

JONES: “THE WINNER, AND STILL CSWA PRESIDENTIAL CHAMPION, EDDIE MAYYYYYYYFIELLLLLLLLD!”

SB: Well, THAT was entertaining.

BB: Mayfield is back to his feet, as Troutman raises his hand and gives him the Presidential belt! Mayfield snatches his arm away, and he calls over Bandit, and OH! OH STOP IT! They’re both putting the boots to this poor man! (Bell ringing nonstop!) Eddie Mayfield picks the man up by the tights and throws him over the top rope! Troutman tries to intervene, but Mayfield shoves him away! (BOOS!) Now Eddie Mayfield lights a victory cigarette, as his music is playing. This is just plain wrong. THAT wasn’t a real title defense!

SB: Yes it was! President Mayfield got an ex-president in the ring, and he pinned him, one, two, three.

BB: I just can’t agree with this. Looks like the Presidential Champions job is done here, as he’s calling for Bandit to leave the ring with him…. (Crowd stands up!) WHAT’S GOING ON?!

SB: The CSWAVision screen just came on! It’s Merritt!

(CUTTO: The CSWAVision screen, at the top of the ramp, with Owner CHAD MERRITT dressed in a grey suit, stands in front of some generic hotel lobby backdrop, with a potted plant off to the side. MAYFIELD stops dead in his tracks, mouth wide open, the Camel still dangling from his lip as MERRITT stares RIGHT AT HIM!)

MERRITT: Eddie, I don’t know how you got away with this charade as long as you have tonight. Actually, I’ve kind of ENJOYED some of it. (Smirks! MAYFIELD and the crowd make the same noise – WHAT?) But what I DON’T enjoy, is when people try to make a mockery of my titles, by having defenses against people who aren’t on CSWA payroll. So what I want you to do, Eddie Mayfield, is get your can back in that ring, while I give you a REAL Presidential Challenge!

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD, trying not to look scared! He grabs a mic and starts talking back to the screen!)

MAYFIELD: Oh yeah, Merritt? I ain’t scared of you, because EYE AM THE PRESIDENT OF-

MERRITT: (Cutting him off) Yeah yeah. Save It, Eddie. Like I said, I have a man in the back, that I re-signed a few weeks ago. I had planned to debut him in an unannounced match, but you took up the TV time. He doesn’t like what you just pulled, and fits the criteria for a match, just like you decreed. He’s an Ex-Presidential Champion, and he’s MORE than enough to handle anything you’ve got!

MAYFIELD: (Standing up straight) Oh yeah? Well… (Looks at his wrist – there’s no watch there!) I’m kinda running low on time here… Why don’t we do this NEXT iTV? We need to go to the next segment…

MERRITT: Too late.

(Suddenly, ‘Outlaw’ by 2Pac BLARES through the speakers, and the crowd JUMPS OUTTA THEIR SEATS! MAYFIELD’S looking around in a panic, and turns to Bandit to find answers, but all he gets is shrugged shoulders!)

SB: Who the hell is it?

BB: (Over crowd’s huge reaction) IT’S STEEL VIPER! IT’S STEEL VIPER! THE BIG MAN, THE MAN OF STEEL IS BACK IN CSWA! OH MAN, WHAT A NIGHT ALREADY!

SB: RUN, EDDIE! RUN!

(CUTTO: The entrance way, where a HUGE-ANTIC STEEL VIPER APPEARS! The crowd goes NUTS, as the big man is dressed in street clothes, and pounds his heart at the crowd, and then lets out a Goldbergian roar that shakes the rafters! CUTTO: MAYFIELD, who falls on his butt, eyes wide, and he starts scooting around in the ring!)

BB: YES! YES! STEEL VIPER IS BACK! VIPER RUNS AT MACH 2 TO THE RING, SLIDES IN, AND EDDIE MAYFIELD IS OUT OF THERE! Eddie rolls out of the ring, and he’s telling Bandit to come on! Bandit reluctantly follows, as Viper calls for Eddie’s head! I guess this is gonna be a no-contest, because Eddie Mayfield is sprinting for the locker rooms! He’s not messing with the Viper!

SB: Hell, who would!

BB: Back in the ring, Viper is crouching low, studying Mayfield run with his tail between his legs, and the crowd starts a strong WEL-COME BACK! WEL-COME BACK! Chant, that Viper is loving! He pounds his heart again, and he’s pumping his fist! Viper may not get Eddie today, but from the way Mayfield Hightailed it outta here, we may have seen a glimpse of our next Presidential Champion!

SB: Don’t give this guy THAT much credit, Buckley – President Mayfield is smart as a whip! And as a strategical mind would do, he decided to retreat and regroup, so he can fight another day!

BB: Strategical? That’s a load of crap – Eddie Mayfield didn’t want to get his head handed to him tonight. Plus, it’s not even a real word.

SB: Well, he IS a big guy, I wouldn’t get in there with him…

BB: Fans, we’ll be right back!