(The familiar shrill klaxons continue as the arena gets bathed in red! Suddenly, we hear the robotic warning of ‘INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!’ and the crowd is split between marks cheering their heads off, and CSWA supporters booing and throwing trash!)

SB: Lord, someone’s saved me! The Intruders are here!

(The voice cuts out to be replaced by ‘Hail to the Chief’! The crowd stands up and gets louder as a open-top limousine with diplomatic plates and tiny US flags waving from either side of the hood rolls slowly from behind the curtain!)

BB: I don’t believe what I’m seeing here! There’s a limousine rolling slow out to ringside, and we can only guess who’s – YEAH, there he is! I don’t believe the gall of him!

SB: HA! GENIUS! Stand up, Buckley! Salute your president!

(CUTTO: BENSON, standing up and straightening his tie and giving a sloppy salute! CUTTO: EDDIE MAYFIELD, sitting in the back of the open limo, wearing the same suit we’ve seen him in in countless promos, tie loosened, a burning Camel hanging for deal life from his bottom lip! Running alongside of the limo in his secret service apparel is BANDIT, holding onto the side panel of the car, scanning the crowd for possible snipers!)

BB: Eddie Mayfield, one half of the UNIFIED World Tag Team Champions and the current Presidential Champion has just arrived, obviously under heavy delusions of grandeur – Mayfield is under some illusion that he’s PRESIDENT of this company, since he won the belt at BATTLE OF THE BELTS… Now his motorcade has reached ringside, and Eddie Mayfield exits the limo and enters the ring, wearing the Presidential title around the waist of his suit!

SB: You need to show our President the proper respect.

BB: I’m ignoring you. Ladies and Gentlemen, the President… er, Presidential Champion is in the ring, and he’s calling for a mic!

(MAYFIELD points to a ring tech, and BANDIT lumbers over and assaults the man until a mic shakes to the ground! BANDIT throws the guy aside, picks up the mic, dusts it off and hands it over to a smirking MAYFIELD. He grins and flicks his cigarette away, puling back his suitjacket to put one hand on his hip, showing off the PRESIDENTIAL title belt around his waist, as he puts the mic to his chin. BANDIT stands behind him, arms folded and growling like an animal!)

MAYFIELD: Hello, HELLO my constituents, and welcome, one and all – to MY SHOW. (Crowd boos! MAYFIELD nods through it)

BB: HIS show? What’s he talking about?

SB: Shush! I can’t hear!

MAYFIELD: That’s right, “Hot Property” Eddie Mayfield, YOUR CSWA President… (MAYFIELD smooths down his suit jacket, and fixes his tie) has just commandeered PRIMETIME as Eddie Mayfield’s personal soapbox. Every good president needs a forum to express himself, and to address the needs of the common man – (Points out to the cheapseats) the POOR the shameless, the GREAT UNWASHED… (boos!) That’s right, baby, Eddie Mayfield is here for YOU, and tonight, is where The Intruders, and more importantly, EDDIE MAYFIELD… heh. Makes HISTORY! Chad Merritt…. You marks in attendance, and you (bleep) announcers, look upon this ring, and witness…PRIMETIME, as you know it, burn to ashes… and be born again.. as INTRUDER TELEVISION…. EYE! TEE! VEE! HIT IT!

(Suddenly, “Hail to the Chief” blares again, as black and white balloons drop from the ceiling covering the ring! The PRIMETIME banners hanging all over the arena are ripped down by PI, SHAMON and MIKE MCGEE on cue, and replaced by HUGE black and white headshots of MAYFIELD, GUNS, MILES and PI! The crowd is going crazy, either cheering, or booing and throwing garbage! From the main rafter falls another banner, a gray background with crosshairs on it – in the middle of the crosshairs is the iTV logo – in that scratchy Intruder-font!)

BB: What is he DOING? Eddie Mayfield has TAKEN OVER CSWA PRIMETIME!

SB: I hope he gives me a position on his cabinet! Every Presidency needs a man that can tell it like it is!

BB: Yeah, the Secretary of Drunk.

(In the ring MAYFIELD is walking back and forth, kicking balloons around, and presenting the PRESIDENTIAL belt to anybody that makes eye contact with him, having the time of his life!)

MAYFIELD: (over the crowd noise) That’s RIGHT, CSWA! PRESIDENT EDDIE MAYFIELD HAS DECREED THIS SHOW INTRUDER TELEVISION, AND AS SUCH, ALL RULES MANDATED BY ME ARE FINAL! YOU HEAR THAT, MERRITT? I’M THE BOSS OF ME! (Boos!) AND IF YOU WANNA GET ME OFF OF THIS SHOW, THEN YEAH – I’M CALLING DOWN THE THUNDER, MERRITT, YOU WANNA STOP ME? THEN BRING YOUR [BLEEP!] OUT HERE AND STOP ME!”

SB: Yeah Merritt! I dare you to come out here and stop President Mayfield!

BB: Whose side are you on?

SB: (Pause) MINE!

BB: Fans, we have Gregg Gethard, VP of CSWA Security, and a phalanx of security rushing out here! Bandit blocks Eddie Mayfield from any attack! Mayfield is behind him, waving an envelope and saying something to them!

SB: That’s gotta be a restraining order! HA! BRILLIANT!

BB: Do they make restraining orders do things like that? I’m confused here. . .It may be, because Gethard is telling the security guards to back up! They’re leaving,.and Mayfield is nodding his head knowingly! Eddie Mayfield – what the hell are you doing?!

MAYFIELD: (taunting the guards as they walk to the back, angry) Yeah, that’s right, Gethard – get those mutants out of MY AIR! (Boos!) This paper (Waves the envelope around) is a notarized INJUNCTION from the President’s Office… that says that Security must keep a buffer zone of ONE HUNDRED FEET from me as long as I am in office here! (MORE boos!) I have Diplomatic Immunity, and there’s nothing you can do about it! Git! SHOO!

(CUTTO: GETHARD pulling the last guard through the curtain, shaking his fist back at MAYFIELD.)

SB: Man, this guy’s GOOD.

BB: Where is Chad Merritt? This is ridiculous! Somebody come out here and stop this man!

MAYFIELD: All of you marks in the audience, listen up! Tonight is the beginning of a NEW ERA in television! You’ve laid witness to MUST SEE TV every time I grace your idiot box, and now iTV will pave the way to a new era of peace, prosperity, and more importantly –

(Eddie smiles as he lights a Camel, and pauses as he blows a stream of smoke out the side of his mouth, and points at the camera with the cigarette in his hand)

MAYFIELD: -- HOT PROPERTY, EDDIE MAYFIELD. (LOUD boos, with still a hard Mayfield ‘Constituent’ section, marking out) And you two announcers over there? Benson and Buckley? You [BLEEEEP!]ng better watch your step – cuz you can be replaced. (Turns to the camera and smiles) THANK YOU AMERICA, GOODNIGHT, AND GOD BLESS.

(The crowd keeps up the noise and trash tossing going as MAYFIELD throws up the Victory gestures, dipping his head low, as ‘Hail to the Chief’ starts back up!)

BB: I’m… I’m speechless. Fans, we’ll be right back… we have to take a break here on CSWA PRI-

SB: UM… THAT’S EYE-TEE-VEE! Didn’t you get the memo?

BB: Lord help us. . .

(As PRIMETIME returns, the "Intruder Alert" goes off again. Pi walks out onto the rampway and turns, kneeling with a camcorder in hand, filming the entrance.)

BB: Apparently Mayfield isn't kidding about "iTV." Where in the world is Merritt?

(Under the lights, GUNS walks towards the ring, with a woman trailing behind.)

BB: I guess that means it's time for GUNS' 'special announcement' we were told about earlier.

SB: Oh boy, I told you! It's a drug test! Is that woman carrying a specimen cup?

BB: That's enough, Sammy.

SB: This has got to be a huge embarrassment for GUNS. You know what they say steroids do to your...

BB: Sammy!

(GUNS climbs into the ring and takes a microphone from Rhubarb Jones. The unidentified woman stands in the corner as Pi points the camcorder at her.)

GUNS: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight is a very special night - so special, in fact, that it's almost a tragedy that it's taking place over the CSWA's airwaves.

(CUTTO: "PI-CAM" shot of the WOMAN signing GUNS' words for the benefit of the hearing impaired. The Pi-Cam footage then moves to the bottom right corner of the screen as GUNS continues to speak.)

GUNS: Tonight's not special because Mark Windham and Eli Flair will battle for fifteen pounds of trash in the main event. It's certainly not special because Merritt will spring a Magnificent surprise on Tom Adler later on. It's not even special because tonight, in this very ring, Eddie Mayfield will bring you the very first PRESIDENTIAL CHALLENGE.

No, folks, tonight is a truly special night because it marks the official beginning of something near and dear to my heart - so without any further ado, the Intruders and Third Row, Inc. proudly present...WRESTLETHON '03!!

BB: You've gotta be kidding me...not again.

GUNS: Now, you're all asking yourselves - what is WrestleThon '03? Simply put, it's the official Intruders charity drive. We're dedicating ourselves, in the spirit of the CSWA's 15th and God willing FINAL anniversary, to improving the lives of everyone we come in contact with - whether it be the boys in the back, the fans who were unfortunate enough to pay hard earned money to sit through Aerealis Fuerte versus Henderson Bramble, or those of you sitting at home on your fat asses watching us on TV.

Now, some CSWA wrestlers have already benefited from our newfound generosity, not the least of which is Dan Ryan. (Grins.) Dan Ryan, you're the #1 contender to the richest prize in wrestling.

Okay, I almost said it with a straight face - but at the very least, Dan, you've got the next shot at the title, in large part due to the generosity of the Intruders. That's right - you were the fortunate beneficiary of our charitable torture of Shane Southern. No need to say thank you, Dan - charity is its own reward. And tonight, Dan, the generosity continues, because in the spirit of WrestleThon '03, we're going to allow you to walk out of your match with Craig Miles tonight under your own power. That's right, Dan - tonight, you versus Craig - ONE on ONE, no interference from the Intruders. And if you can't trust me, Dan - really, who can you trust?
But the charity doesn't stop there, folks, because there is one truly sad soul that needs your help.

(A shot of KEVIN POWERS appears on the CSWAvision, as soft sad music plays over the speakers.)

GUNS: This truly pathetic creature suffers from a number of conditions - raging alcoholism...a propensity for violence towards women, most likely caused by sexual inadequacy...obsession with latent homosexual undertones...a desperate need for attention...and last, but not least, a scorching case of mediocrity. It's truly tragic, folks - it tears at the heartstrings. Now, I wish that I could tell you that you could call a phone number, donate a dollar a day, and we could turn this man's life around - but it's not that simple. Unfortunately, there's no cure for what this poor, sick man has, but we can grant him one wish.

We can't grant him sobriety - we can't make him more well endowed - we can't make him straight - we can't make you, the fans, care about him, and really, we wouldn't even ask you to - and we certainly can't make him a good wrestler. But what I can do is grant the one wish he's been begging for ever since I came back here...

Kevin Powers versus GUNS, one on one, anytime, anyplace, anywhere... on one condition. All you have to do, Kevin Powers, is walk down that aisle, climb into this ring...

AND BEG FOR IT! That's right, Powers - don't be too proud to accept charity. All you have to do is come out here, BEG me to wrestle you, and I'll sign a contract for any show Merritt wants to put it on.

Got it, Powers? Just come out and beg, whenever you're ready.

BB: Fans, on that sour note, we've got to take a commercial.

SB: Wait a second, why is that woman still signing? GUNS stopped talking! Did she just flip me the bird?!