INT – DINGY SPACESHIP – BEDROOM

(Sammy Benson lies in the fetal position on a bed. Bill Buckley sits down beside him.)

BUCKLEY: I’m sorry Sammy. We have a rule, never to free a mind past...forty.

BENSON: (tired) I’m thirty-nine.
BUCKLEY: Stop.
BENSON: What?
BUCKLEY: As I was saying...
BENSON: I started in the business young.
BUCKLEY: Uh huh. Your whole life has been a lie, why keep adding to it?

BENSON: That’s right I’m sorry. I’m just bitter over realizing my genitals are actually an electrical outlet. It’s not every day you swallow that kind of truth. I was comfortable lying to myself before.

BUCKLEY: How can you be comfortable knowing your body was being harvested by machines? How can you be comfortable knowing everybody you ever knew and everything you ever tasted in life wasn’t real?

BENSON: NO! You mean...
BUCKLEY: Yes. Sammy. Beer is just a sick fabrication.
BENSON: Blasted machines!
BUCKLEY: As I was saying...
BENSON: But...the intoxication felt so real. The ability to tolerate dog-lovers, the razor-sharp wit I experienced at the hands of a strong buzz...it all...

BUCKLEY: Felt real. But it wasn’t. A lot of men your age can’t handle being freed.

BENSON: Oh great. Wake me from one oppressive society and into another. Ageism. Glad I didn’t imagine that.

BUCKLEY: Sammy I freed you because I believe...you’re the One.

BENSON: Is this going to lead to me bedding barely of age girls?

(Buckley looks at Sammy in disbelief. His life has built to this?)

BUCKLEY: Maybe the Oracle was wrong... who am I to find The One? I’m just a Buckley. Now that I think about it...it’s probably just something she says to inspire the uninspirable. To keep the suicide numbers low.

“You’ll find the one.”

My gosh I’ve wasted ten years of my life looking, and now you’re the best I can come up with.

BENSON: Buckley breathe.

BUCKLEY: You have no special talent. Yes, it seems so clear to me now. I’m reaching because the machines are tunneling into Zion at this very moment. We’ll all be dead soon. I don’t want to die believing I’ve wasted my life. So I woke you from a drunken stupor, to boost my ego.

BENSON: (slaps Buckley across the head) Hey what about Outlet Genitals over here? You’ve had ten years to adjust. I need the boosting. I’m the One...

BUCKLEY: The One. Who can...

BENSON: Control the Matrix?

BUCKLEY: No. To repopulate Zion.

BENSON: I TOLD YOU THERE WAS MINDLESS SEX IN HERE. It’s like all my life it’s been a dream of mine, and now I know why. I guess...subconsciously I’ve always known.

BUCKLEY: I see you accept reality fairly quickly.

BENSON: What’s done is done. Okay, so can we do this inside the Matrix? I’m not a fighter. Don’t bother with the Martial Arts programs. Hit me with Kama Sutra. Specifically the positions and practices that have been outlawed by the Buddhist Monks. I wanna make repopulation...fun.

BUCKLEY: It’s gotta be done in Zion. The only human city left. Buried deep within the earth itself.

BENSON: Fine. Missionary is good enough for me.

BUCKLEY: It’s time for it all to be rebuilt. Sammy, are you ready to see Zion?

BENSON: (crying) Please.

SOME TIME LATER

INT – ZION PORT

(A spaceship docks inside a cave)

(Buckley leads Sammy out of the ship. A lackey takes Sammy’s bag and stares.)

SAMMY: Easy with those. There are breakables in there.

LACKEY: It’s an honor sir. If...what Buckley says is true. Great things are about to happen.

(Sammy looks at Buckley)

SAMMY: I’m not...going to be doing anything with him, am I?

(A large, serious looking man approaches)

MAN: I’m General Zod. Benson, welcome aboard. I’m not going to beat around the bush. Not all of us believe what Buckley believes.

SAMMY: Well I don’t expect you to. Repopulation is every man’s dream. I’m just the one fate smiled on...willingly to roll up my sleeves and plug away.

ZOD: I represent the majority who think a lotto would have been fair. (Zod storms off)

BUCKLEY: Never mind him, Sammy. I’m afraid the machines have destroyed most of Zion while we were circling for a third time. Repopulation must begin soon. Shall we prepare?

SAMMY: Hey!

BUCKLEY: What?

SAMMY: You said nothing about a group effort.

(Buckley shakes his head and leads Benson down a corridor)

MINUTES LATER

INT – ZION BEDROOM – BATHROOM

(Benson is in a bathroom, starring at himself in a full-length mirror. He’s wearing a silk bathrobe and slippers.)

SOON AFTER THAT

INT – ZION – CORRIDOR

(Buckley and Benson face large double doors)

SAMMY: Are you saying I can...
BUCKLEY: I’m saying when you’re ready you won’t have to.
SAMMY: Sweet!
BUCKLEY: Sammy I’ll be in the corner over here, weeping like a baby with the other men. Through those doors, humanity’s future awaits.
SAMMY: Buckley....
BUCKLEY: Yes?
SAMMY: I’ll put in a good word for you if I find a woman your speed in there.

(Buckley mutters under his breath and walks off)

(Sammy takes a deep breath then pushes open the double doors)

INSIDE THE DOUBLE DOORS

(About fifty midget women in tribal clothing are huddled together inside a giant room, each with a number taped to their chest.)

PA ANNOUNCER: Number 1. Now serving Number 1.

(A 3-foot, raven-haired midget with man-hands steps to Sammy.)

MIDGET: That’s my number. Look, I don’t care if you sweet talk me or not, but I’ve gotta have the left side of the bed, and afterwards, though it will slow proceedings, we have to cuddle. Okay Smoochy?

(Sammy’s face turns beat red. His knees buckle. He looks up into the sky and raises his hands.)

SAMMY: NO! You damn dirty midgets! YOU... DAMN...DIRTY...MID...GETSSSSSSSSSS!

CUT TO BLACK

INT – SAMMY’S BEDROOM

(Sammy Benson shoots up out of bed, drenched in sweat. He’s shaking, on the verge of tears.)

SAMMY: What a nightmare.