|CSWA PRIMETIME in St. Louis||
December 26, 2001
(The NCN and CSWA logos fade onto the screen.)
V/O: The National Cable Network, in conjunction with the CSWA and CS Enterprises, is proud to present this final LIVE broadcast event of 2001, being broadcast internationally in over 20 countries.
(CUTTO: The screaming America's Center crowd as Linkin Park's "One Step Closer" plays over the sound system. Bill Buckley's voice can barely be heard until soundman Marvin Parsons jacks up the audio on his microphone at the commentators' table.)
BB: Ladies and gentlemen, wrestling fans, I hope you can hear me... Welcome to CSWA PRIMETIME from the lovely America's Center in St. Louis, Missouri, where over 30,000 fans are joining us for a belated Christmas gift. It's the final show of the year...and it's PACKED. Along with me, as always, your co-host, Sammy Benson.
SB: I just have one question... who's been giving out THESE to the concession stand workers? (Sammy holds up a piece of paper with his face on it.)
BB: I told you in Dallas that Merritt was putting a stop to your on-air binges, Sammy.
SB: Does he remember what happened LAST TIME he pulled this stunt?
BB: Well, considering a midget died and he attempted to frame you for it... I'm pretty sure he's clear on it.
SB: Alright then...just so we're on the same page.
BB: You really worry me sometimes. Have you been taking your medication?
SB: Obviously not since I can't get anyone at the concession stand to sell me anything!
BB: It seems like everyone's been tried to get booked for this show, Sammy. Not only is it the last regular show of the year, it's the last event before the CSWA's next PPV, CSWA ANNIVERSARY 2001!
SB: I still don't understand why we're celebrating this thing now....the CSWA's next anniversary is in April 2002!
BB: I think it's comments like that that are keeping you from getting any refreshments.
SB: It's ridiculous...I can't even get a pretzel for Pete's sake!
BB: In the Main Event tonight, CSWA owner Chad Merritt has booked an obvious grudge match... his grudge, that is. Former ClaimStaker and former CSWA World Champion Mike Randalls has been put into a triangle match against two of his bitter enemies...who just happen to be tag team partners. Playboys Inc., Troy Windham and Eddy Love, have to be thrilled to go up against Randalls two-on-one.
SB: Don't be so sure, Buckley. I think the blonde-haired god wanted to take on the desert freak mano-e-mano, if you know what I mean.
BB: For those of you that don't speak Benson, he's talking about Eddy Love and Mike Randalls, respectively.
SB: Yeah, thanks for clearing that up. Geez, it's like working with a trained monkey.
BB: But that's not the only major match tonight. The CSWA World Championship is on the line, and current champion Steve Radder has to try to make it by former Greensboro Champion Evan Aho in order to make it to ANNIVERSARY as the champion. We saw in Dallas that Kevin Powers has already been named the challenger for the pay-per-view, in what he says is his retirement match.
SB: Without Eddy, the man's a total wreck.
BB: The Presidential Title is on the line tonight as XXXStasy defends against former champ Cameron Cruise. Tom Adler and "Apocalypse" Gabriel Poe will face off, as will Eddie Mayfield and Nathan Storm. Tag Team Champions Simply Stunning are here tonight as they prepare for whatever ANNIVERSARY has in store for them. Also, Wicked Sight and Gemini meet in a match that could determine their spots at ANNIVERSARY. And speaking of the pay-per-view, I've been told that Chad Merritt has some major announcements tonight that may change the entire event from top to bottom! Let's head down to the ring to find out which of these stellar matches is coming up first!
(CUE UP: The sounds of a raging river, or possibly a washing machine gone berserk. Booming voices begin to sing over an overwrought orchestral accompaniment: "ADVENTURRRRRE! Men of ADVENTURRRRE! Conquering the WORRRLD! The World of Adventure! ..." and so on. CUTTO: The Video Wall begins showing a confusing mishmash of segments showing two burly men in French Canadian trapper clothes reacting to a series of "threats" blue-screened behind them: They appear to be fighting off a bear with sticks, then in another clip are 'racing' down a mighty river, then in another are performing amazing snowboard tricks, and so on.)
(Beneath the video wall, out walk the men in the video - "Iron" John Waits and Benjamin "Big Tom" Remus - dressed in their leather and fur regalia, bearing a canoe between them and an oar apiece, in hand.)
SB: What's with the canoe?
BB: They're "Men of Adventure," of course.
SB: Oh geez, this is gonna be cheesy.
BB: Already in the ring are Carl Brigsby and Wesley Paige...their claim to fame being a fluke win of the US Tag Team Titles year ago!
SB: Plus the fact that Brigsby tried to do up some Randalls' schtick as the "King of Darkness" during one of Randalls' various suspensions from the league.
BB: Referee Ben Worthington calls for the bell...it'll be .... hold on! The Men of Adventure just grabbed Paige and flung him over the top rope! Now "Iron" John Waits has Brigsby by the hair and scoops him... FALL AWAY SLAM! Good grief. Ref Ben Worthington is trying to get Benjamin Remus out to the corner...but Big Tom doesn't need any motivation, he's going outside after Paige!
SB: You know, as dumb as this schtick may be... I think I might just like these guys.
BB: Iron John has Brigsby up again.... POWERBOMB! Good grief, Brigsby either out or so winded that he can't get up. This one's already over, but the MoA apparently aren't done. Big Tom has Paige on the outside... delivers a big knee, and then chucks Paige over the barrier and down the aisle about five rows!
SB: If that one guy just didn't have the big muttonchops from the seventies....
BB: Waits has Brigsby in the corner, and he's just laying into him with those big fists...and now the massive mountain man, Big Tom, is back up on the apron, having dealt with Paige.
SB: It's time for a good old doubleteam, isn't it?
BB: Apparently so. Waits pulls Brigsby out of the corner by the back of his head, and slaps his partner on the shoulder. Big Tom comes in, steps being Brigbsy and hoists the smaller man on his shoulders. It looks like Iron John is headed up top!!! This can't be good for Carl Brigsby.
SB: But it's sure gonna be fun to watch!
BB: I'm told the Men of Adventure call this "The River of Men." Iron John from off the top rope.... GOOD GRIEF!!! (SFX: Huge mat action as the three men hit the mat with force.) John just caught Brigsby from his perch and basically hit a neckbreaker/reverse bulldog maneuver...driving Brigsby's head right into the mat! But it looks like Waits may pull Brigsby up for more!
SB: Told ya it'd be fun.
BB: Finally a cover by Waits. ONE................. TWO....................... THREE!!! This one was over from the start.
(Big Tom steps past the ref, and motions to a ring monkey to throw him a mic. He
grabs a pair, and hands one to Iron John.)
IJ: Ho, truer words, never spoke!
BT: ...so are we THE MEN OF ADVENTURE! And, rat-tailed denizens of the Show-Me State, we Men of Adventure are here to SHOW YOU something you do not possess! We are here to SHOW YOU something CSWA lacks! We are here to bring you BRAVE MEN! SKILLED MEN! PROUD MEN whose knotted muscles and ham-sized mitts are here to bring a symphony of pain and pummeling to the lackluster little weasels who make up this Fed. BUT WE MEAN THAT IN A GOOD WAY! HAHA!"
IJ: True, Big Tom and I happily answered the call of this backwater grappling club, not realizing it was little more than a rest home for grope-crazy fa(BLEEP) and tricked out old whores, but then again, we expected that coming into St. Louis (Crowd boos) ... We just didn't expect to see such a dismal roster of useless (BLEEPS)ups cluttering the place - but again, St. Louis!"
BT: Why, this federation is so peppered with weaklings and sissymaries, that CSWA should stand for ... for ... Clumsy ... no, (BLEEP)-SUCKING ... um ..
IJ: WEAK SISTERS!
BT: YES, of ... of A ... A ... Listen, never mind, clever wordplay is for bookworms and limey (BLEEP) poets, wearing lacey nightshirts and dying of consumption in feather beds! HO HO! Not Men of Adventure like WE!
(The crowd HAS been happier in their lives)
IJ: Now settle down, you fat and ignorant rednecks. Your enfeebled minds struggle with meeting what are truly great MEN OF ADVENTURE for the first time, and like any new experience, at first you find yourself fearful and uneasy! I SAID SETTLE DOWN, YOU RANCID PACK ANIMALS! And you, ma'am, you are grotesquely ugly. Are those your (BLEEP) or pixie sticks? Jesus, EAT A (BLEEP)ING SANDWICH YOU RAIL THIN WHORE! I'd scrape my (BLEEP) RAW if I (BLEEP) those twig-sized (BLEEP)!"
BT: BUT WE'RE GOING TO ANYWAY, BY GUM!" (CUTTO a guy in the crowd, white t-shirt and Cardinals cap, next to the skinny target of the MoA's insults. He's yelling at the ring and threatening to come over) "Bah, she LOVES IT, and YOU KNOW IT! And what in the world will YOU do? Please, serious, come (BLEEP) with the Men Of Adventure. We'd love to see you start some (BLEEP), you (BLEEP)! You think we fear a Missourian? Bah, the greatest athletes in St. Louis are in ILLINOIS, ANYWAY! When your professional athletes suck as bad as they do, do you think Men of Adventure are afraid of their FELTCHING FANS? HA! We've braved bear's balls that swing harder than the Cards at bat! Ho HO!"
(Cups hit the ring)
IJ: Yes, yes, we Men of Adventure have great respect for the virulent, powerful modern-day warriors of the world of sports ... except when they're a bunch of useless (BLEEP)(BLEEP) (BLEEP) like in ST. LOUIS! I understand you can purchase a commemorative St Louis Rams jersey in women's style. I'm surprised they sell any other kind! HO! What else can we say about a bunch of mud-sucking violators of roadkill redneck sister-(BLEEP)ING retards? That it's fitting that they make up for LOSING a football franchise to an impoverished desert wasteland by pulling a twelfth rate football team from a city full of (BLEEP) and SUV driving white trash junkies?
BT: But they still have the Cardinals, John!
IJ: Aye, and I still have crabs from that fourteen year old whore I banged in Juarez, but I wouldn't go back there on a dare! HO!
BT: HO HO! Well said, but allow me to add ... St Louis, go (BLEEP) YOURSELVES!" (CUE UP: The MoA theme hits again as Big Tom and Iron John drop their mics and slide out of the ring. They gather their gear and continue yelling at and flipping off the crowd, to a thunder of boos...)
BB: What in the name of all that's good and pure was that!?
SB: (laughing) I TOLD you I liked these guys.
BB: Fans, I apologize...and this time, not just for Sammy. Let's go to Rhubarb Jones with... hopefully ... a little less foul-mouthed tag team. Our tag team champions Simply Stunning!
SB: Oh dear Lord no! Haven't the ratings taken enough of a beating with Lawrence Stanley getting main event billing?!?!
BB: You know the fans love these young guys from England.
SB: So...I love young girls from Holland, but I don't pay them to speak!
BB: Good grief. Over to you, Rudy.
(We cut backstage where Rudy Seitzer is standing between Simon Wilcox and Michael Hardy. The tag champs are dressed casually with black 'Quite Simply Awesome' T-shirts on and the tag titles slung over their shoulders. As the crowd sees the young risk takers, a huge pop goes around the arena.)
RS: Thanks Bill. With me now are Simply Stunning, and boys, I believe you have something you want to get off your chest?
SW: That's right, Rudy. First off, though, lets have a quick game of trivia. How many times have Simply Stunning held the CSWA Tag Titles?
RS: Umm...twice, including your current reign.
MH: Correct! Ten points to Mr Seitzer! And your bonus question. How long has this current title reign lasted?
RS: Ohh, off the top of my head.....six months or so?
SW: Near enough my friend.
MH: Which brings us onto our rant of the day named after the great Aretha Franklin hit R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
SW: We've been in the CSWA for nigh on three years now, doing what we do best, wrestling in the air and flying without care.
MH: Putting asses on seats, smiles on faces and opponents into hospitals!
SW: We've been holding these straps for so long that we've got grooves in our shoulders where they fit!
MH: Yet still we keep hearing all these so called great teams running us down, telling us we're not fit to lace their wrestling boots.
SW: What people need to realize is that for the last year we've proven what we've said all along and what the great fans of the CSWA know in their hearts.....
MH: AND THAT IS....WE'RE THE BEST DAMN TEAM WALKING THE FACE OF GOD'S GREEN EARTH! (The crowd pops.)
SW: We're sick of hearing all this trash talk coming from the likes of The Professionals and come ANNIVERSARY we're going to end it all by proving our ability once and for all.
MH: We've come here tonight to throw down the gauntlet quite literally to all those 'magnificent' teams out there, if you want to beat Simply Stunning for the tag titles at ANNIVERSARY, here's your chance...
SW: We hereby challenge the entire CSWA tag roster to a gauntlet match! (The crowd goes wild.)
RS: Are you mad?
MH: No, we'll quite happily stand in the middle of the ring and keep on beating as many tag teams that walk out as we can until we prove what we say, that there isn't a team out there who can live with us.
SW: There you go boys, you want us? You've got us, the time for talking is gone. Now it's put up..
MH: ...Or shut up! (The camera returns to Buckley and Benson as the crowd cheer Simply Stunning.)
SB: Have they been drinking or something?!?!
BB: I don't know Sammy, but it seems a very bold challenge from the tag champions.
SB: You mean the EX champions after ANNIVERSARY!
BB: That remains to be seen. After this break, we'll be back with more, including a World Champ sighting!