(CUT TO: An alleyway near the New Orleans Arena. There, longtime CSWA personality RUDY SEITZER stands, holding a mic next to a bruised and battered JJ DeVille.)

SEITZER: I'm here next to JJ DeVille, who earlier in the evening was pummeled by CSWA newcomer Lance--

JJ: (interrupting) Who was attacked from behind by that lying sneak Lance Leizure. Hey Lance... IF THAT IS INDEED YOUR REAL NAME... you done messed up good when you attacked me, The Human Weapon. I know more karate moves than most people know letters in the alphabet, daddy! (Seitzer looks at JJ, shaking his head.) But your future butt-whipping is gonna happen... just like my man Eddy Love and my man Troy Windham are going to win against The Claimstakers later tonight! But that's not what I'm out here for. I'm here for a REAL important reason... 

SEITZER: Exactly what are you out here for? I don't have all day.

JJ: Well, Rude-boy... I got a call before on the JJ DeVille 1-900 number from someone who says they can help me. It was only a few weeks ago when America suffered its worst tragedy ever... when the deranged madman Mike Randalls attacked my mentor and hero Eddy Love from behind and shaved his head. Now, while we got our revenge on Mikey-pooh... we still didn't solve the issue at hand! Eddy Love, the man with the bod of a god and the hair of Cher... well, he still doesn't have his hair! But a world famous hair surgeon called me up on my voice mail and told me to meet him here... because he believes in miracles! And he can surgically reattach... (JJ holds up the bag of hair.) EDDY LOVE'S HAIR! HALLLEELLLLLUIAHHHH! (JJ starts skipping around in place, clapping his hands. Rudy is shaking his head, in disbelief at his assignment. Then, Rudy looks up off-screen and his jaw DROPS, and he slowly backs away. JJ still dances, as a hooded figure walks in from the left, arms folded, staring at JJ.)

JJ: (singing) Because Eddy's hair... will survive... ohhhh yeah... (JJ bumps into the hooded figure. JJ turns around into the crane kick position, then his jaw drops also.)

MAN: Tell me, Mr. DeVille... You ever heard the saying.... all's fair in LOVE and WAR? (The man's hood drops, revealing a bald figure from behind.)

JJ: What gives with the creeps, man? You don't look like no doctor. (JJ stares at the man a little closer.) Hey... in fact, you look like Mike Ran--- OH GEEZ. OH GOD NO!

(JJ turns to run away, but the man grabs JJ by his permed extensions, and then the sound of scuffling can be heard. The camera starts to fade to back.)

MAN: "That saying.... has no meaning for me..."

(CUT TO: The crowd. A large group of fans are holding up signs that spell out E-V-A-N-A-H-O. Other fans are dressed like the mysterious enigma that is the CSWA's latest Masked Man. In the ring, both men are on opposite sides, tugging on the ropes.)

BB: And now it's time for a match that I myself have been looking forward to all night. The brilliant young wrestler Evan Aho takes on a man underneath a mask... I've got to tell you, there is something VERY familiar about this guy.

SB: Well, his trunks read "New Orleans" on them... so I'd say he looks like every other stupid suck-up we've seen here in the CSWA. This guy already makes me sick! And so does Evan Aho... not listening to the words of wisdom from Jimmy Valentine!

BB: Well, frankly, I have to agree with Aho. He doesn't need anyone in his corner. A lot of pundits and experts are saying that it isn't a question of whether Evan Aho is going to be a World Champion... the question is WHEN he is going to be a world champion.

SB: And it would be a lot quicker with Valentine by his side! Evan Aho isn't a smart man. He needs guidance.

BB: Ben Worthington calls for the bell, and everyone is on their feet for what should be a surprising match.

SB: Why did Aho agree to fight against a man whose identity is unknown? If he had a manager, this wouldn't have happened. Oh yeah, he DID have a manager!

BB: Evan Aho is a wrestler, Sammy, who prides himself on his craft. He and this masked man lock up in an early test of strength.

SB: While we have no idea who this dude is, we can tell he ain't that strong. In fact, he looks kinda lanky!

BB: But he has the early advantage against the powerful Aho... BUT LOOK AT THIS! Aho is bridging back, perfectly balanced! What agility and what neck strength!

SB: I'll admit it... THAT is impressive.

BB: Aho is bridging back up now, gaining the advantage against this masked man! AND LOOK AT THIS! THE MASKED MAN IS BRIDGING BACK HIMSELF! And this crowd is LOVING it!

SB: Why? It's just two guys doing things that are next to impossible to do... but it's still rather boring!

BB: The Masked Man bridges back up, and now he drops down, using his legs to send Aho into the far ropes. Aho bounces off and The Masked Man gets up and leapfrogs over-- Aho spins around and grabs the enigma in a half-nelson (CLOSEUP: The Masked Man's body language shows nervousness.) and Aho goes to bridge back-- no, The Masked Man blocks it by grapevining his legs and rolls forward! CRADLE! ONE... TWO... NO!

SB: Very, very clever. It's just too bad that I can't see this guy's face to make fun of him better.

BB: Both men are back up. The Masked Man goes to hip toss Aho, but Aho flips all the way over and lands back on his feet... and now he flips The Masked Man over! Aho bounces off the ropes and The Masked Man gets up-- AHO CARTWHEELS RIGHT PAST HIM and spins The Masked Man around-- SHORTARM CLOTHESLINE! What a beautiful sequence from Evan Aho! And the crowd appreciates it!

SB: If he had Valentine by his side, he would've won the match already!

BB: Aho is now stomping on The Masked Man viciously, wasting NO body motion in the process as he works on his neck. Now Aho picks The Masked Man up and he picks him up and holds him... AHO IS LETTING THE BLOOD RUSH TO HIS HEAD! TEXTBOOK DELAYED VERTICAL SUPLEX! AND AHO FLOATS OVER AND HOOKS THE LEG! ONE.... TWO... NO!

SB: Aho sure seems like a BORING guy, on top of being a dumb one. No one hooks the leg anymore unless they are obsessed with wrestling... and how lame and un-Eddy Love like is that?

BB: Aho now has The Masked Man up and whips him towards the corner-- The Masked Man floats over the corner and Aho hits the turnbuckle hard! AND THE MASKED MAN LARIATS AHO DOWN TO THE MAT WITH A VICIOUS CLOTHESLINE!

SB: Manohman... there's no way you can learn how to hit someone like that without having a couple of matches under your belt!

BB: Now The Masked Man is standing on the apron.. HE SPRINGBOARDS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND SOMMERSAULTS RIGHT ONTO AHO BACKFIRST! AND HE COVERS AHO! ONE.... TWO... NO! Aho had the presence of mind to put his foot on the bottom rope! We almost had a new champ right there!

SB: I wish he had the presence of mind to get a clue and go crawling back to my man Jimmy's side!

BB: The Masked Man now has Aho up in a vertical suplex... NOOO! HE JUST SPUN IT AROUND INTO A BRAINBUSTER! HE JUST SPIKED AHO'S HEAD INTO THE MAT! COVER! ONE.... TWO.... NO! AHO KICKS OUT!

SB: And although he just got dropped on his brain, he probably gained a couple of I.Q. points in the process.

BB: The Masked Man now has Aho prone for a powerbomb... NO! Aho just backdropped The Masked Man over! And OOOOH, Aho just a LIGHTNING quick leg drop, right across The Masked Man's face! What efficiency! Evan Aho makes sure that EVERYTHING he does in the ring hurts and that EVERYTHING he does has a purpose!

SB: But what exactly is his purpose? It would be "great young wrestler" if he had the right tutelage! But right now, he's going to be the next Tony the Technician-- a good wrestler who can't figure out how to win matches!

BB: And I can't believe you just made mention of Tony the Technician! Aho now is stomping on The Masked Man, pinpointing his boots right on  the Masked Man's neck. Aho picks him up and whips him in-- Belly-to-belly NOOOO AHO HOLDS ONTO IT AND BRIDGES BACK IN A NORTHERN LIGHTS SUPLEX! ONNNE.... TWOOOO....  THREEE-- NO!

SB: Man, Aho is SO strong for someone his size.

BB: Now, he's getting up, and Aho is waiting to pounce, like an animal after his prey! (Aho is crouched down, tapping on his elbow.)  Aho bounces off the ropes and spins and CONNECTS WITH A HUGE SPINNING ELBOW RIGHT TO THE MASKED MAN'S JAW! THAT'S KNOWN AS A ROARING ELBOW!  THIS COULD BE IT! ONE.... TWOO... THREENOOOO! THE MASKED MAN MUSCLES OUT AT THE LAST SECOND! EVAN AHO CANNOT PUT THE MASKED MAN AWAY!

SB: But guess who's coming to dinner?! Evan Aho is going to win the match now and he's going to realize he needs my man... Jimmy Valentine. 

(Jimmy V, chewing on his cell-phone antennae, walks down to the ring and pounds on the mat.)

JIMMY: COME ON, EVAN!

BB: Aho, ignoring Jimmy V., kicks the Masked Man in the stomach. And (The crowd stands up as Aho double underhooks the arms.) Now Aho is trying to go for his trademark move... he calls this The Ecstasy!  It's a Tiger Driver maneuver he learned from his Japanese-based training!

SB: The Masked Man has this move scouted... he's on the mat. I'd call it cowardice, but no person wants their neck broken!

BB: Aho is trying to muscle The Masked Man up, but The Masked Man is kicking with ALLLL his strength,  and is refusing to go over. If Aho hits The Ecstasy, this match is over!

(CUT TO: Jimmy Valentine, turning away from the ring apron.)

JIMMY: Evan NEEDS me. I'm going to finish this match for him and cement the deal! Just watch this!

BB: Aho now elbows The Masked Man in the back, and again. He now whips The Masked Man into the ropes! NO! The Masked Man reverses... AND JIMMY V. JUST TRIPPED AHO!

SB: NO! NO! THAT WAS A MISTAKE! (CUT TO: Jimmy, shocked he messed up.)

BB: Aho got hung up in the ropes because of Jimmy and turns around (SFX: A loud thud of a boot hitting a jaw. The crowd initially goes OOOOOOOH and the impact and then a loud cheer comes from the more knowledgeable.) AND IS MET WITH A SUPERKICK TO THE FACE! THE MASKED MAN HOOKS THE LEG! ONE..... TWO... THREEEEEE!!! HE GOT HIM! WE HAVE NEW GREENSBORO CHAMPION! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!

SB: GOOD LORD WAS THAT KICK AWESOME!

BB: AND I THINK I KNOW WHO THIS MASKED MAN IS... AND SO DO ALL THESE FANS!

(CUE UP: The initial harmonica blast of "Ain't Going Down" by Garth Brooks. The New Orleans crowd starts to chant "SHANE SHANE SHANE.")

SB: OH NO! NOT HIM!

BB:  YES HIM!  THE CSWA'S MASKED MAN HOLDS HIS TITLE OVER HIS HEAD AND CLIMBS TO THE MIDDLE ROPE AND IS UNLACING THE MASK... YES FANS! IT'S INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR SHANE SOUTHERN! BACK HERE IN THE CSWA! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

(CUT TO: Shane Southern on the middle rope, fist in the air, letting out a loud "Rebel Yell" to the crowd that is met with an equal response.)

SB: NO WONDER I'VE FELT SICK ALL NIGHT! THIS GUY IS THE LAMEST! NOW I CAN'T HEAR A THING! I thought we got rid of him years ago!

BB: IN FRONT OF HIS HOMETOWN CROWD, SHANE SOUTHERN DEFEATS THE GREAT EVAN AHO IN A TREMENDOUS MATCHUP! FANS, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

And Then There Were FIVE!