RHUBARB JONES: Ladies and Gentlemen! This MAIN EVENT match is scheduled for one-fall, and is for the CSWA United States Title! Introducing first…

(MUSIC CUEUP: “Wings of a Butterfly” by H.I.M.)

RJ: …Accompanied by his manager “Good God” Kevin Powers…

(Powers makes stands off center on the entrance ramp holding a piece of paper in the air.)

BB: Word has it that Thomas has granted Powers’ request to be Hiroshi’s manager for the night, and Powers is sure to let everyone know that it’s legal by waving around that paper.

SB: At least it’s not signed in blood. Or on a muffin wrapper or something…

(CUT TO the ring.)

RJ: …Hailing from Tokyo, Japan. Standing six feet and one inch, weighing in this morning at 230 pounds. He is The Japanese Thunder, The Muffin Man himself: KIIIIIIN HIROOOOOOOSHI!

(Hiroshi walks out and stands amidst a shower of blue fireworks. Powers clapping, trying to rally some fan support for the Muffin Man. Both men walk toward the ring. Powers hops up on the ring apron, and holds the ropes for Hiroshi. Both men now in the ring, and Hiroshi stands at the ready in a far corner…waiting.)

RJ: And his opponent…

(MUSIC CUEUP: “Like The Sun” by I Mother Earth)

RJ: …he is the reigning 5-time CSWA United States Champion. Hailing from Greensboro, North Carolina. Measuring an impressive six feet five inches, and weighing 263 pounds. This…is…HOOOOOOOOORNET!

(The fans erupt at Hornet walks out, US title slung over his shoulder. Weary of Powers’ presence, Hornet makes his way in the ring, and hands over the title to the ref.)

BB: Hornet saw how Hiroshi made it here to face him, and all signs point to Powers.

SB: Is it possible to infuse muffins with alcohol?

BB: I don’t think so, but Hornet will have to have eyes in the back of his head tonight. Both men lock up, and we’re off.

SB: Yippee. Hoo-rah.

BB: Shut it, Sammy. This is a title match. Hornet with the first advantage as he pushes Hiroshi away. Hornet with an arm-ringer that drops Kin onto the mat. Hiroshi quickly somersaults and kips-up, reversing the hold, and now Hornet’s on the mat…

SB: When did we get to Mexico?

BB: …this time it’s Hornet who kips-up, and both men are standing.

SB: I smell a snooze-fest.

BB: They’re just measuring each other up. Powers, beating the apron. Another tie-up, and Hiroshi is on offense with a head lock. Hornet backs up, and pushes Hiroshi into the ropes. Hiroshi charges back, and is laid out with a shoulder block. Hornet runs the ropes this time, but Hiroshi rolls under the feet of Hornet. Hornet charges from the opposite side, Kin leap frogs…

SB: Uh-oh…

BB: Hornet hit the breaks, and levels Hiroshi with an ENORMOUS right hand. Hiroshi staggers against the ropes, and Hornet sends Hiroshi outside with a clothesline.

SB: I think Hiroshi just lost some teeth there. Thankfully, you don't need teeth to gnaw on muffins.

BB: It wouldn’t surprise me. Referee Patrick Young checking in on Hiroshi who is slow to stand. Hornet better watch his back, Powers is edging his way into the ring. Hornet seems to sense something isn’t right, and spins to catch Powers red-handed. Powers ducks out before Referee Young sees anything.

SB: First, Powers screws Radder out of THIS match, and now he’s going to screw Hornet. Hiroshi can’t wrestle: he just lets Powers do all the work.

BB: We have yet to see if Hiroshi can beat Hornet solo. Hiroshi is back in the ring and swinging blindly at Hornet. Hornet fires back with one, two, three stiff chops. Hiroshi backed into a corner, and Hornet mounts up with some punches.

(SFX: Crowd counting. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine…)

BB: Hornet teasing it…

(SFX: Crowd screams, “TEN!”)

BB: That last one sent Hiroshi on his ass. Hornet picks up Hiroshi, and…fisherman suplex in the middle of the ring. Hornet bridges for the pin…

One…

Two…

Hiroshi kicks out.

SB: You know Hornet could have done this faster, he’s just toying with him.

BB: Hornet again wipes Hiroshi into the ropes, and catches him with a knee lift that knocks the wind clean out of the Muffin Man…

SB: That’s another thing, “The Muffin Man”. I refuse to call him that. It’s ridiculous.

BB: Never the less, it’s his moniker.

SB: I don’t care if it shows up on his computer, it’s dumb.

BB: Moniker, not.... never mind. Hornet sends Kin into the far corner, and sits him up top. Looks like we might have a top-rope superplex. Both men come crashing down to the mat. Hiroshi holding his back, and Hornet’s just a little dazed. Hornet rolls over Hiroshi and grabs his legs. Looks like he’s working the lower back with a boston crab.

SB: Oh man! Hiroshi needs some looser clothes. That thing is aimed right at us.

BB: Only you, Sammy, only you. Patrick Young checking on Hiroshi, but Hiroshi is fighting it, and makes it to the ropes. Hornet holds the moves for another moment and releases. Hiroshi slow to get up, and looks completely off his game. Young checking on Hiroshi, and once again Powers moves in for the kill...

SB: Drunk.

BB: What?

SB: Nothing.

BB: That’s what I thought. Powers spins Hornet around, but Hornet was ready, and sends Powers back outside with a front kick that could knock down a house. Hiroshi is back up though, and starts wailing on Hornet with forearms to the back of the head. Hiroshi gets Hornet into a corner, and goes to whip him across the ring. Hornet reverses, and smashes Hiroshi into the far turnbuckle.

SB: Hiroshi’s done.

BB: Hornet calling for the splash! He charges! He leaps! Hiroshi pulled Referee Young into the path of the flying legend, and Young crumples to the mat.

SB: That’s going to piss off Hornet.

BB: Hornet lays into Hiroshi with fists, but Kevin Powers has hit the ring, and is looking for some payback for that monstrous kick Hornet gave him earlier. Powers, lying in wait…

(SFX: Crowd goes silent, then erupts as Radder slides in for the save)

BB: ..RADDER! RADDER makes the save, and is brawling with Powers! Hornet turns and sends them both outside with a double clothesline. Both men don’t care, and Radder is getting some payback on Powers! Radder would be facing Hornet if not for Hiroshi and Powers!

SB: I don’t know which would have been a worse match…

BB: I swear to God, Sammy, one of these days. Hornet doesn’t care, and pulls Hiroshi into the middle of the ring. SCORPION DEATHLOCK! SCORPION DEATHLOCK! Hiroshi’s tapping, but Patrick Young is out cold. Hornet releases the hold, and slaps Young around. Young is up, but groggy. Hiroshi is in pain, but rolls out of the ring, right into the melee that is Powers and Radder.

SB: Watch out for that ever-present DQ.

BB: Young makes his way to the ropes to try and get the challenger back in the ring. Hiroshi trying to separate Radder and Powers, but he isn’t having much hope. And it looks like Hornet is getting ready to fly on all three men. Wait a minute, we have a fan on the apron behind Hornet…

SB: That’s no fan!

(RUBEN ROSS rolls into the ring and knocks Hornet's legs out from under him, crotching him on the turnbuckle. In a series of swift motions, Ross flips Hornet upside-down over his shoulder, spins, and, in an amazing show up strength, climbs to the second turnbuckle, drops Hornet into position, and X Marks The Spot as he piledrives the US Champion into the mat and unconsciousness.)

BB: …For once, you’re right! That’s Ruben Ross, and he’s just manhandled Hornet in the middle of the ring! Referee Young didn’t see a thing!

SB: Okay, I’ll admit it, that surprised me. Again.

BB: Hiroshi back in the ring, and he looks befuddled… Ross rolls out of the ring, and Radder is still battling Powers!

SB: Befuddled?

BB: …Confused as to what happened to Hornet. Hiroshi stands Hornet up, and nails him with a spinning forearm that stagger Hornet! That’s the set-up, that’s LITTLE BOY! Hiroshi on the apron…springboard Canadian destroyer! FAT BOY! FAT BOY! FAT BOY!

SB: Hey! I thought we talked about this. I’m on the South Beach Diet.

BB: NO! That was Hiroshi’s finisher. Hiroshi covers Hornet!

One…

Two…

THREE!!!!!!!!!!!

HIROSHI’S DONE IT!

(CUE UP: “Wings of a Butterfly” by H.I.M.)

(SFX: A mix of the crowd cheering and booing.)

RJ: Here’s your winner, and NEW CSWA UNITED STATES CHAMPION… KIIIIIIIIIIIIIN HIIIIIIROOOOOOOOOSHI!

BB: Hiroshi has upset Hornet!

SB: With the help of Kevin Powers, and an assist from Ruben Ross. Can’t the man win on his own?

BB: Why win on your own when someone else is going to help you? Powers slides away from Radder into the ring, and Hornet slides out. Hiroshi and Powers are celebrating as Radder props up Hornet. All four men are staring each other down…

SB: There’s some bad blood brewing.

BB: …But Hiroshi is still the CSWA US Champion. Folks, thanks for joining us on the first leg of the PRIMETIME POOLJAM Tour. We're setting sail and we'll see you next in Montego Bay!!! For CSWA PRIMETIME, he's Sammy Benson and I'm Bill Buckley. See you soon!