(Part of the CSWA's 'charm' is its history. We've built the league based on letting you know where we came from, whether it's the Hornet/GUNS feud, or Mike Randalls, or Mark Windham and Mickey Benedict, or as recent as Love/Vizzack...every piece has its place in the CSWA pantheon. As we pondered what should be the first piece in our "CSWA History" section, we realized that there would be no better representation of the CSWA than its very first card. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it, both in 1988 and over the last decade in website form.)
(FADE-IN: To a shot of the exterior of an aging warehouse off Market St. in Greensboro, North Carolina. The building looks tired, serving notice that its days of hosting feature events are in the past and not the present. The parking lot, mostly empty, sits inviting people to enter. By the look and feel, whoever chooses to reside within her walls tonight made a horrible, horrible mistake.)
(CUT-TO: Ticket gate at the front of the building. Two men, in their mid-20's, look increasingly discouraged at the lack of traffic coming through.)
Chad Merritt: I told you this was a mistake!
Stephen Thomas: No you didn't. I believe your exact words were, "Trust Me".
Chad Merritt: Throw that back in my face now, will you? Maybe it's just a late arriving crowd.
Stephen Thomas: Yeah I'm sure, the 350 we need for a sellout just stopped off for some Jr. Mints.
Chad Merritt: What's wrong with that? Jr. Mints are refreshing.
Stephen Thomas: (pauses) That's true, they are.
Chad Merritt: The night won't be a total bust. With the money we'll make from the refreshment stands, we may break even.
Stephen Thomas: Chad.....
Chad Merritt: Yes?
Stephen Thomas: WE HAVE NO REFRESHMENT STANDS!
Chad Merritt: I know, okay!! What are we doing here? We have no idea how to run a wrestling promotion!
Stephen Thomas: And the Wright Brothers had no idea how to fly either.
Chad Merritt: That was pointless.
Stephen Thomas: We're in Carolina, it was my time to offer the hourly Wright Brothers tribute. Look, we're here. Whether we like it or not, we've come this far.....we can't stop now.
Stephen Thomas: Can we?
Chad Merritt: Surely not?
Stephen Thomas: Ah! What we were thinking!?
Chad Merritt: That we needed an overly elaborate scheme to meet women.
Stephen Thomas: There we are.
(As Chad and Steve bicker, a man who appears to be about three feet tall walks up to the gate)
MIDGET: Excuse me, is the show promoted by Chad Merritt and... (looks at program) ...Stephen Thomas.
Stephen Thomas: Yes it is! Welcome!
Chad Merritt: (under his breath) To earth.
MIDGET: I didn't see a name on the program. What federation is this?
(They both pause, for all their hard work they never had considered coming up with a name. Yet another in a series of oversights for the night.)
Chad Merritt: (looks at Stephen) The.... (smiles) CSWA.
Stephen Thomas: I like it.
MIDGET: Well, I'm pleased to be here. What's the admission fee?
Chad Merritt: Twenty bucks. And that's our special rate for handicap people.
MIDGET: Hey now, there's no reason to be mean.
(Thomas grabs the midget's arm, and ushers him through the gates)
Stephen Thomas: Bless your little heart!
Chad Merritt: We never did catch your name..
MIDGET: Fair enough. It's Lyle.
Chad Merritt: (In a rare moment of sincerity) Lyle, enjoy yourself tonight.
(Lyle walks through the gate. As he disappears into the building, the smile residing on Chad's face falls off)
Chad Merritt: What's wrong with you!? Look at the people you're letting through the gates! FREAKS, I TELL YOU FREAKS! Hey if we've still got time I can rent an elephant and we'll call it the circus!
Stephen Thomas: Easy! Lyle's a person too! Albeit a very small one.
Chad Merritt: Small minded, as well...I bet. It's almost show time, we better get ready.
Stephen Thomas: I can't believe with all the flyers you passed out that no more than 150 people turned out.
Chad Merritt: Oh..
Stephen Thomas: What?!
Chad Merritt: Those were for me to pass out?
(Thomas snaps and tackles Merritt)
Stephen Thomas: How could you be so dumb!!!
(Chad reaches up with his left hand and pushes Stephen's face away....flipping the two, now Chad is on top of Thomas.)
Stephen Thomas: Get off of me!!!
Chad Merritt: YOU'RE A STUPID MAN, A STUPID LITTLE MAN!
(A man in his late forties, in dirty clothes, and who appears to be stone cold drunk, breaks up the fight)
DRUNK: Break it up you two! I thought the wrestling tonight was suppose to be inside!
Chad Merritt: Who are you!?
DRUNK: The name is Marvin. I was hired to work the camera tonight. Now, I just need to find the two fools who hired me.
(Thomas slaps Marvin in the face.)
Stephen Thomas: You're late!
Marvin: Do you usually make a point of hitting your help?
(Thomas slaps Marvin again)
Stephen Thomas: No, but I can start now! Get inside... we're already late.
(A beat-up pick-up truck comes to a screeching halt in front of the gates. Two men, who look like they're from the hills of West Virginia, step out. )
Chad Merritt: $40 a piece.
ED: Pay the man, Bill.
BILL: (searching his wallet) I'm out...
Marvin: Come on in, I'll comp ya.
Stephen Thomas: Oh sure, we can afford to do that!
(Marvin, Bill, and Ed walk in)
Chad Merritt: You ready?
Stephen Thomas: (smiles) No.
Chad Merritt: It's you and me. Sink Or Swim. Let's give it everything we've got.
(5 MINUTES LATER - CUTTO: Basement of the warehouse. Chad and Stephen are talking with two very large men. Both weigh nearly 500 lbs. In the back there's a well-built, handsome man in his late 20's. His long, blonde hair pulled back in a pony tail. His conversation on a pay phone seemingly upsets him more and more with each passing second.)
Stephen Thomas: Wesley, what do you mean you can't go tonight?
BIG WESLEY SLACK: I injured my foot last night at Ryan's Steak House.
Chad Merritt: What, racing to the buffet line?!
DARK KNIGHT: You promised me refreshments! I can't go out there on an empty stomach.
Chad Merritt: Please, you haven't done anything in your life on an empty stomach. Wesley's out. Could things get any better?
(Cutto Joey Melton on the phone with his agent)
JOEY MELTON: Give me a reason why I shouldn't fire you, Ray. JUST ONE! It's early, but I don't think this is the WCW house show where my tryout was supposed to take place! How could you screw up the biggest night of my life?! (Joey looks around) I'm not even sure what the hell this place is....
(Wesley walks over to Joey)
WESLEY: (goes through Joey's bag looking for a candy bar or any sort of food he can grab) Mind if I...
JOEY MELTON: I don't care if is illegal to hunt your kind, if you touch my bag again I'll have your skin turned into candle wax. (Wesley backs away)
(back on phone)
JOEY MELTON: You're gonna die.
(Mark Windham, a lanky 6'5 Texan, walks through the door with a friend. A man of equal height, but with an alarmingly toned body)
Stephen Thomas: Mark! You made it!
MARK WINDHAM: So who's my competition....
(Mark looks around the room)
MARK WINDHAM: Tell me this is a joke. (laughs) Well, bud....this could my first step to the big time!
(Joey has thrown his bag over his shoulder and looks ready to leave)
Chad Merritt: Mr. Melton, where are you going?!
JOEY MELTON: To Atlanta...I have some explaining to do. What, you didn't think I'd stick around here, did you?
Stephen Thomas: We'll double your fee.
(Chad gives Stephen a bewildered look)
JOEY MELTON: (pauses) You better. The four of us?
Stephen Thomas: No, Wesley's backing out.
JOEY MELTON: Like I was saying, I have some explaining to do.
Chad Merritt: We'll find a fourth!
Stephen Thomas: Where?
MARK WINDHAM: Here. (Mark points to his best friend.)
WINDHAM'S FRIEND: No way.
MARK WINDHAM: You've wrestled at UNC before...
WINDHAM'S FRIEND: That was different.
Chad Merritt: Who are you?
(The friend gets ready to speak, but Chad cuts him off)
Chad Merritt: You say he's wrestled before?
MARK WINDHAM: In college. He can do it.
Chad Merritt: I'm sorry your name?
(The friend gets ready to answer, but again he's cut off...this time by Joey)
JOEY MELTON: What kind of Mickey Mouse operation is this? Why not find a coupla drunks upstairs and we can have an 8-man field?
MARK WINDHAM: Afraid he'll kick your a**?
JOEY MELTON: Highly doubtful, cowboy.
Chad Merritt: Yeah, but who is he?!
(The friend again is ready to answer with his name, but he's cut off by Stephen)
Stephen Thomas: This might work. He'll take Wesley's spot and wrestle the Dark Knight in the first round.
WINDHAM'S FRIEND: That guy is a wrestler??
DARK KNIGHT: The best in this room, stud.
JOEY MELTON: Check the door, fats. These guys aren't hosting a pie-eating contest tonight.
Chad Merritt: It's settled. But WHO ARE YOU?
WINDHAM'S FRIEND: The name is...
Chad Merritt: That's a good point. What's his show name?
(Everyone thinks for a few seconds)
MARK WINDHAM: (joking) Kato.
WINDHAM'S FRIEND: (smiles) Yeah, yeah...if either of us has to be the Green Hornet, it's me.
Chad Merritt: Mark, you and Joey are up first. The Dark Knight and.......HORNET will follow.
(Mark Windham has since changed into his wrestling attire: black tights and black cowboy boots. He heads out the door.)
MARK WINDHAM: Let's do it.
JOEY MELTON: I might get a workout tonight after all.
(CUT-TO: The 'auditorium' portion of the warehouse. Five hundred folding chairs have been placed throughout the room; only 150 are filled. To one side of the ring, backed up against the security railing, a table is set up. Its occupants are a small monitor, two microphones, and two men. One appears nervous and oddly out of place. The other is pudgy and beyond doubt slightly drunk. He reaches for a six-pack of beer that lays next to his chair.)
BILL BUCKLEY: Do you really think it's professional to drink on the job?
SAMMY BENSON: Look around, do you really think this is a profession?
BILL BUCKLEY: (to himself) Calm down Bill, you'll do fine.
(Sammy laughs and hands Bill a beer)
SAMMY BENSON: Here, it'll settle your nerves.
BILL BUCKLEY: My nerves don't need settling! Where did they find you anyway?
SAMMY BENSON: Had a friend who use to own this place. Oh the stories I could tell. The women, the beer, the beer.. Did I mention...
BILL BUCKLEY: Yes you did. (extends hand) Bill Buckley.
SAMMY BENSON: Sammy. What do you say, Buckley. Any chance they'll pull this off tonight?
BILL BUCKLEY: I hope so. I was fired today as the weatherman for FOX-45.
SAMMY BENSON: (laughing) You still live with your mother, too don't you?
BILL BUCKLEY: I hate my life.
(CUT-TO: Back of auditorium. Chad and Stephen are about to walk down the aisle to address the crowd.)
Stephen Thomas: Cue Marvin to dim lights, and to tell Craig it's time for the fireworks.
(Chad signals with his hand to Marvin, who's positioned behind a cheap camera.)
(The lights dim, and the crowd goes quiet. Quieter than they already were, rather.)
(CUT-TO RINGSIDE: Craig Merritt, brother of Co-owner Chad Merritt, struggles to light a couple of illegal fireworks. The first, is a dud... drawing boos from the crowd.)
Chad Merritt: Off to a good start.
(BACK TO CRAIG: Once more the firework goes out with a whimper. The boos get louder, as Craig gets frustrated. He lights a series of Black Cats -- canisters with rounds of 50 to each barrel. Nothing seems to happen. Craig steps in front of the fireworks and throws his arms up in the air, and starts screaming.)
Chad Merritt: Let's head down to the ring, and kick this sucker off. It would have nice to at least had one thing work right.
(Craig goes silent for a brief second, then his screams pick up in volume. Because he's under fire. A canister has fallen to the floor, shooting Craig with nonstop shots. Smoke fills the warehouse, and the crowd comes to its feet with wild cheers.)
(Chad and Stephen enter the ring...saluting the crowd!)
Chad Merritt: (To Stephen) Didn't I say Trust me?!
(Five minutes later the fireworks have ended. The place is filled with smoke, but Merritt and Thomas ask for the house mic to address the crowd anyway)
Chad Merritt: (on house mic) Thank you all for coming out tonight! I know I've said it a million times before, but you all are the greatest wrestling fans in the world!
(Fans cheer, obviously still for the fireworks, but Merritt presses on.)
Chad Merritt: Welcome to the CSWA! The home of the greatest stars in wrestling today! After tonight we will have our first CSWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Mark Windham vs. Joey Melton will kick things off, with the winner to take on either Dark Knight or HORNET!
Stephen Thomas: (grabs mic) Also, if either team scores 120 points...free pizzas for everyone!
Stephen Thomas: Future of promotions.
Chad Merritt: Right. Without further delay, Rhubarb Jones.... tonight, tonight, oh yeah..tonight is the night, ohhh yeah...
(Cut-to: Rhubarb Jones cleaning up nicely in a tux. Jones reaches over and hits 'play' on a 'Boom Box'.)
("Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin plays)
RHUBARB JONES: Ladies and Gentlemen, our first match of the evening is a one fall, 30 minute time limit bout. First, from Sweetwater, Texas...coming in at 6'5, 238... Mark Windham!
(Rhubarb stops the CD, takes it out...puts in a new one.)
("2001 Space Odyssey" plays)
RHUBARB JONES: His opponent from New York, New York...entering at 6'0, 210, Joey Melton!!!
(The crowd cheers, but they obviously have no idea who either man is.)
(Melton makes his way in the ring, with a Flair-like robe resting on his shoulders)
::side note: It was '88, and we were WCW fans. Sue us :) ::
BILL BUCKLEY: The inaugural match in CSWA history is about to start! Joey Melton, a man who's made quite a name for himself on the independent circuit already, faces a young man by the name of Mark Windham!
SAMMY BENSON: Question Buckley. Do we view this as the first round of the tournament, or the semi-finals?
BILL BUCKLEY: It's my first night, Sammy. Don't make things harder than they already have to be.
BILL BUCKLEY: Fans....this one is underway...the first match of the CSWA World Heavyweight Championship Tournament...right here in Greensboro, North Carolina. Mark Windham and Joey Melton are vying to become the first World Champ here in the CSWA as they lock up in the middle of the ring with a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Pushoff by Melton sends Windham into the ropes. Windham ducks the clothesline and catches the smaller man with an elbow! Melton hits the mat and quickly takes a powder outside the ring!
SAMMY BENSON: Smart move by Joey Melton...he knows better than to get in front of a Texan when he thinks he on a roll.
BILL BUCKLEY: For those of you who may not know, Mark Windham is the younger cousin of Barry Windham. He's made a name for himself in some regional promotions throughout Texas as well in the Southeast. Referee Carl Young is up to five on his count, and Melton seems to be making his way back into the ring after his self-imposed time out. Joey Melton has been in this sport for over six years now, I believe, Sammy. Most of those were spent traveling the circuit in such places as Florida Championship Wrestling and even a short stint in the AWA.
SAMMY BENSON: I'm sure his mother's very proud....
BILL BUCKLEY: Windham charges into Melton on the apron...but Melton gets the shoulder down, knocking the wind out of the youngster from Sweetwater, Texas. Joey Melton is showing that he's got the experience factor...and he may just be the man to beat.
SAMMY BENSON: I tell ya the man to beat is the idiot behind me. A ticket doesn't give you the right to prove your stupidity.
BILL BUCKLEY: No, you have to have your job for that.
SAMMY BENSON: Easy there, weather man.
BILL BUCKLEY: Melton suplexes Windham up and over the ropes! Man oh man he took a spill there. Carl Young will check to see if he's alive before continuing the match.
SAMMY BENSON: That really is the proper thing to do...
BILL BUCKLEY: Melton off the apron, checks Windham himself....another suplex on to the floor! This is brutal! Joey....belly to back suplex! He's working over the young pup from Sweetwater, Texas.
SAMMY BENSON: I see his game plan here. Kill Windham and take his share of prize money as well. The man is brilliant.
BILL BUCKLEY: Melton grabs a chair from a fan, and cracks it over Windham's head as Mark drops to his knees. He is breathing, Sammy...the first bit of good news for him tonight.
SAMMY BENSON: No, the first bit of good news was the gas in the car that will take him out of this hick town. (to man behind him) Hey shut up fats!
BILL BUCKLEY: Sammy, I think that's a woman.
SAMMY BENSON: Oh dear goodness, no.
BILL BUCKLEY: The New Yorker Joey Melton, he's going to bulldog Windham on the outside....No! Mark scoops him up and plants him on the security railing! I hope he didn't have any plans to work on that family-to- be tonight. Windham now has a chair, and he breaks it in over Melton's head!
SAMMY BENSON: If there's one thing a Texan can do is fight when he's piss drunk.
BILL BUCKLEY: Oh stop it. You have no idea whether or not the man is drunk!
SAMMY BENSON: You're right, but here's hoping I am at about a quarter to 12.
BILL BUCKLEY: Windham rolls Melton back in the right. Smart move by the kid, you can advance to the Finals out there! Windham with a right hook that backs Melton into the corner. Mark whips Joey to the opposite corner and charges after him....Joey moves out of the way, and Windham hits hard against the turnbuckle!
SAMMY BENSON: What time is it Buckley?
BILL BUCKLEY: Stop. Melton tries for a piledriver!! That move that has been outlawed most states and even some communist countries!
SAMMY BENSON: What?
BILL BUCKLEY: Windham powers up and flips Joey up and over the top rope! No DQ there...but nevertheless it was painful.
SAMMY BENSON: No, no....watching the dawn of your career is painful.
BILL BUCKLEY: Windham on the outside, he's setting up for the Lariat! If he hits it here, all he'll have to do is roll Melton in and let Young count to 3.
SAMMY BENSON: Just a little tidbit here, this is the move that all Texans are taught at birth! That, and the "Nother drink barkeep" hand motion.
BILL BUCKLEY: Oh please. Windham takes off for the lariat....no!! Melton ducked and Windham hit the ring stairs! I think he hit his right knee, Sammy.
(Sammy isn't looking; he's searching for the concession kid.)
BILL BUCKLEY: Hey, Otis...
SAMMY BENSON: WHAT A MOVE!!
BILL BUCKLEY: Save it. Melton rolls Windham in.....and the veteran, at least by Windham's standards, knows that Mark is heavily favoring his knee. Joseph Melton has had to battle for this one....coming in, I'm sure he thought it'd be easy pay day and a spot on the resume for the big leagues, but young Windham has battled his heart out tonight!
SAMMY BENSON: Imagine what he could do if he was sober! That's the key story here.
BILL BUCKLEY: Melton in the ring, tells off a loud fan...oh wait....no that's just Craig Merritt... Sammy did he just call him "Stink Boy?".
SAMMY BENSON: I know I have several times tonight... honestly the man smells.
BILL BUCKLEY: Joey seeks to put this one away right here, FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK! Windham is in serious trouble!
SAMMY BENSON: That's the move that Joey has ended many a man's career with..... I'm just foreshadowing here Buckley, okay.
BILL BUCKLEY: Windham fighting; waiting as long as he can...but the ropes just aren't moving any closer to him... that's it, he tapped! He tapped! Joey Melton has won this match and moves on to the Finals to face the winner of Hornet vs. Dark Knight!
SAMMY BENSON: Intermission, thank the good man above!
BILL BUCKLEY: Not quite! Melton gives Windham a shot to the head before leaving the ring! What was that all about? It looks like the New York native didn't appreciate the fight the young man put up tonight....uncalled for if you ask me!
SAMMY BENSON: Please let me be the first to tell you, NOBODY HAS!
BILL BUCKLEY: The crowd gives Mark Windham a hand as he's being helped to the back. I'm not going to sit here and make any predictions about the man's career...but he made a fine showing for himself tonight!
SAMMY BENSON: You know, Buckley...if you won't, I will. I think Windham will be a multi-time US Heavyweight champion, but will always be haunted that he couldn't hold the World title, and then towards the end....he'll have several mental breakdowns, and in general, simply disgrace the family name...how's that?
BILL BUCKLEY: You've been drinking already haven't you.
SAMMY BENSON: If that's true, is it wrong?
BILL BUCKLEY: Fans, we have to take a break and pay Sammy's tab....but when we return...the second match of the semi-finals!
BILL BUCKLEY: We hope you enjoyed those words from Sico's Pizza and Subs!
SAMMY BENSON: They didn't even have to pay for the ad space did they?
BILL BUCKLEY: Are you kidding?
SAMMY BENSON: That's what I thought.
(The lights go off; Craig Merritt stands in the middle of the ring with two flashlights in hand. In obvious pain, he stands waving the lights back and forth. A small "Stinkboy" chant begins by a 'hardcore' group of fans.)
SAMMY BENSON: Either the idiot is signaling in the 9:00 from Philly, or that's a light show. Remind me why I took this job?
(Dark Night, 560 lbs, and wearing a white body suit and mask...heads to the ring)
BILL BUCKLEY: It's time for our second semi-final! And listen to this sold out crowd...they are loving every minute of it!
SAMMY BENSON: Good sell, Buckley.
(Rhubarb puts in another CD in the stereo; Final Countdown by Europe plays) (crowd pop)
BILL BUCKLEY: You gotta love Europe Sammy!
(Hornet walks to the ring. He's wearing long blue tights and face paint, and has buzzed black hair. He enthusiastically greets fans as he makes his way down.)
SAMMY BENSON: Oui. The booze, the women, the drunk old men who don't know they're getting cheated..
BILL BUCKLEY: The band..
SAMMY BENSON: I'm trying to make light of a very bad situation here. Can my life get any worse than it is at this point in time?
BILL BUCKLEY: A better question would be what was your life worth before tonight?
SAMMY BENSON: That hurts.
BILL BUCKLEY: Hornet a local boy could seriously excite this crowd by winning here and moving on!
SAMMY BENSON: Something needs to excite these idiots out here. The last time I saw a crowd like this was at a funeral home!
BILL BUCKLEY: Folks, if any of you are watching at home we promise that if this company somehow survives and lives to tape again....Sammy's humor will improve accordingly.
SAMMY BENSON: I've quit better jobs that this.
BILL BUCKLEY: There's the bell, and Hornet and the Dark Night lock up! Hornet a semi-professional body builder, and his opponent...well he's fit in his own way. Dark Night scoops up Hornet and slams him to the mat! Oh man! He just dropped an Elbow on Hornet.
SAMMY BENSON: I can see it now, "Local hero killed in ring".
BILL BUCKLEY: Night pulls Hornet to his feet and backs him into a corner. He knocks the wind out of Hornet by driving his shoulder through the the kid. Again for good measure. He's been flattened from all angles in the waning seconds of this match up.
SAMMY BENSON: Aside from being a body builder, is this kid a wrestler as well?
BILL BUCKLEY: We might soon find out. Night slings Hornet across the ring and into the opposite corner, charges after him but Hornet gets both knees up! Hornet hops to the middle rope and flies off with a bulldog! He covers, 1.....2...Dark Night kicks out!
SAMMY BENSON: Kicked out? The man rolled over....simple as that.
BILL BUCKLEY: Hornet stomps away at Night...trying to keep the mountain off his feet. He's going for a Scorpion Deathlock! Sammy, it looks like he does know a wrestling hold or two! A submission move at that! No! Dark Night reaches the ropes and Young has to call for the break.
SAMMY BENSON: Fat and smart....you can't beat that.
BILL BUCKLEY: I know you've tried.
SAMMY BENSON: What?
BILL BUCKLEY: Back to the match at hand, Night finds his way to his feet as Hornet tries to rip off the mask!
SAMMY BENSON: Please no! I've seen this hideous beast unmasked....
BILL BUCKLEY: Sammy! Hornet kicks Night in the gut, he's trying for a scoop slam!! HE'S GOT HIM! He just body slammed a half ton!
SAMMY BENSON: Amazingly enough you just hit on the man's childhood nickname...half ton.
BILL BUCKLEY: Hornet goes to the top rope, at the weight it takes a while for the man to work his way to his feet...Hornet has his hometown crowd on it's feet...top rope flying body press, but he's caught by half ton, I mean Dark Night! Sammy!
SAMMY BENSON: What?!
BILL BUCKLEY: Night gets a few steps of steam and then drops Hornet with a power slam! Man alive, forget about the match... the CSWA might have murdered someone tonight! The cover, however academic, goes on, 1.....2.....3. Dark Night moves on to the finals, as the sellout crowd here tonight stands stunned!
SAMMY BENSON: I saw Hornet's chest move....put that down under the positives.
BILL BUCKLEY: How in the world will Joey Melton beat the Dark Night?
SAMMY BENSON: How in the world does Dark Kinght roll out of bed every morning, or for that matter get his fat *** out the door?
BILL BUCKLEY: Thanks Sammy, we've been censored on our first show.
SAMMY BENSON: Hey you never know, it could start a trend in the business.
BILL BUCKLEY: Once again we have to pay the bills, but when we return...we crown our first ever CSWA World Heavyweight Champion! Joey Melton and Dark Night next!
BILL BUCKLEY: Dark Night is already in the ring, as we await the arrival of Joey Melton!
SAMMY BENSON: Can we postpone the final for a day, to allow me the chance to sober up?
BILL BUCKLEY: A day?
SAMMY BENSON: Good point.
(The lights dim, and Craig starts the 'light' show again. Unfortunately...one of his flashlights goes dead.)
("2001 Space Odyssey" plays on the stereo.)
BILL BUCKLEY: Here comes Melton, one of the hottest names on the indy circuit! Merritt and Thomas ponied up some cash to get him to show tonight...Sammy, he's made no bones about the fact that tonight was just a stop over in hell for him. I had a brief conversation with him earlier tonight and he went on and on about only lowering himself because of the cash. He'll end up in the majors anytime now...but I pose this question to you. If he wins tonight, if he takes the CSWA belt home, does it change anything?
SAMMY BENSON: It might if he makes a quick stop to the pawn shop afterwards. I'm embarrassed I lowered myself to this, how do you think he feels?
BILL BUCKLEY: I think he's made it perfectly clear. The fans are here tonight, no official attendance numbers yet, are ready to crown a champion!
SAMMY BENSON: They're ready to get the hell out of here, and wash the stench off. No official numbers? I've counted them four times since we started...we're not talking quadratic equations here!
BILL BUCKLEY: Thank you. Melton attacks Dark Night before the bell rings...hard blows to the back of the neck. He's got half ton, er...Dark Night staggered! Melton kicks in the right knee of Night. Already we see his focus, the legs...soften him up for the Figure Four.
SAMMY BENSON: He's too good for this place. Take me away, Joey..please!
BILL BUCKLEY: Self control, now. Melton bends the leg back and tries and atomic drop on the knee, but Night is too heavy. Thumb the eye, by the big man... bench press slam! Night off the ropes, elbow drop...but Melton moves out of the way!
SAMMY BENSON: Near death experience.
BILL BUCKLEY: Melton drops an elbow on Night! Not quite the same effect, but it does damage. Joey measures...and then delivers a knee drop across the forehead! At least from here it looked like his forehead.
SAMMY BENSON: Buckley, it's all fat...call it like you see it.
BILL BUCKLEY: Joey shoots a look at the crowd, no doubt about it, he's disgusted. Melton backs Night into the ropes, then whips him across the ring, clothesline...but Night hardly budged. Melton a shot to Dark Night's groin..
SAMMY BENSON: Trick elbow flares up again.
BILL BUCKLEY: I think Night's hurt...I'm afraid to go back to your point about it's all fat....but... Melton did at the least put half ton in some discomfort. Joey...DDT! A cover, for our fir st WORLD CHAMPION... 1...2....no!! Half ton with the kick out!
SAMMY BENSON: A word of advice, you're the straight man...if this partnership lasts past tonight...try not insulting the wresters.
BILL BUCKLEY: We'll see. Joey calls for the figure four... whether that means he wants the title now, or he wants out of this hick place.... I can't answer. Melton has it hooked in, in the middle of the ring... the fans can smell it, so can we...we're seconds away from crowning our first World Heavyweight Champion!!
SAMMY BENSON: Hmm...that means a celebration follows, right?
BILL BUCKLEY: Dark Night can't fight any longer... he tapped! He tapped!! Joey Melton is our first World Heavyweight Champion! Oh Good Grief!
(The fans go wild. Chad and Steve rush to the ring to strap the belt around Melton's waist. Craig rolls Dark Night out of the ring with a broom.)
RHUBARB JONES: Winner of the match, and THE CSWA'S FIRST WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, JOEY MELTON!
(crowd pop) (Merritt takes the mic, Thomas straps the belt around Melton's waist)
Chad Merritt: Fans, thank you so much for being a witness to this great night...the first night of the CSWA's sure- to- be storied history.
(to Steve) Too much?
Steve: (to Chad) Go with it, they love ya.
Chad Merritt: We're gonna be back here next weekend... we hope you all come on back...and now, I give to you...your first World Champion...
(Joey grabs mic from Chad's hand)
JOEY MELTON: First things first, son...I've beat my girlfriends with a belt bigger than this, understand that right now. (to fan in front row) Yeah, Mush Mouth...keep your freakin mouth shut while Joey......while the CSWA World Heavyweight Champion has the floor. Believe you me, I didn't want to be here tonight....hell, to be honest I wouldn't even piss in this place...but here I am....a champion...standing in front of you. My life can't get any worse than it is now, so yes, Merritt...Thomas...I'll be back next weekend to kick the livin' fire out of whoever you can coax to get into the ring....let's be honest it might even be one of you out in the audience... they're looking for part- time help, you know. There's nothing part-time about Joey Melton...being me is a day's work, 24/7......I'm the CSWA World Champion...so that means I'm stuck here longer than I would have liked.. Next week I'll be here... in reality, I'll be here until someone can knock the title off my waist, or I just get damn well bored of the place.
(Melton throws mic down and leaves to a chorus of boos.)
Stephen to Chad: Well... that went about as well as could be expected.
Chad: I thought so. When do we tell him we can't pay him all the money?
Stephen: Let Stinkboy...I mean, Craig.
Chad: What are the chances of this working...
Stephen: (singing) We've only just begun....
Chad: (disgusted) Right. I'm leaving before you start on the "Silver Spoons" theme.
(CUT TO - Parking lot - Hornet's car - an hour later.)
Hornet and Mark Windham, casually dressed stand next to Hornet's Camaro.
HORNET: I should have won tonight.
WINDHAM: It was your first match, relax. The man was a beast, what can you do.
HORNET: Next time...
WINDHAM: I beat Melton's New York butt. One day....he's mine.
HORNET: Let's go, I'll buy ya dinner.
WINDHAM: Greensboro tonight, America tomorrow.
(Mark smiles, the two slide in through the windows like the Dukes of Hazzard.)
HORNET: We're a team, don't ever forget that. America's Team.
(Fade to Black as Hornet's car speeds off.)
(roll credits, fade to black)
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